


Asinine

by hfullsun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, this is going to be such a long fic oh my gof
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2019-06-06 10:56:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 43,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15193268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hfullsun/pseuds/hfullsun
Summary: Jaemin is stupid.Donghyuck is drunk and not feeling like himself and Jaemin is stupid and that’s all he knows.He’s not even the party type. The only reason Donghyuck is at this stupid party is because it’s the beginning of summer and his senior year is about to start and he figured (with a little convincing from Jaemin) now would be the time to start letting loose.Except now he's super drunk.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Before reading this fic I would like to give you a MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING! 
> 
> This fic has many things in it such as graphic rape, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. If any of these things trigger you or make you uncomfortable please do not read!!

Jaemin is stupid. 

 

Donghyuck is drunk and not feeling like himself and Jaemin is _stupid_ and that’s all he knows. 

 

He’s not even the party type. The only reason Donghyuck is at this _stupid_ party is because it’s the beginning of summer and his senior year is about to start and he figured (with a little convincing from Jaemin) now would be the time to start letting loose.

 

Except now he's super drunk.

 

It’s not like Donghyuck hasn’t been drunk before. There were many times when Jeno’s parents would go out of town and all four of them would raid his parent’s alcohol cabinet. Donghyuck has experience in the drunk department. Just not at a party with _millions of people_ he doesn’t know. 

 

(There aren’t millions of people here, but to a drunk Donghyuck every other face looks like someone new, and he can’t seem to recognize anyone except Renjun making out with some guy in the corner and _ohmygod I did not need to see him grab that guy’s ass._ )

 

Currently, Donghyuck is being forced to “mingle” with this group of older guys because Jaemin said it would be _fun_ and _they’re nice, Hyuck, Jaehyun hyung hung out with them a couple times when he was a senior and they were juniors, that means they have to be cool!_ His foggy brain didn’t know how to get out the words _but Nana, if they’re so cool, why are sophomores in college at a senior high school party?_

 

When Jaemin looks at him expectantly, he knows he just missed something someone said.

 

“Wait, what? Sorry, I must have zoned out…” He finishes with an awkward chuckle, aware he’s probably way more drunk than anyone else in the circle. Loud music thumps in the background. Jaemin just laughs and claps his hand on Donghyuck’s back.

 

“I was telling them all about how you want to major in music. Minjun said that’s what he majors in!”

 

Oh right. College. Majors. The future. Everything Donghyuck didn’t want to think about, let alone discuss at a party. 

 

“Yeah, it’s actually pretty cool! I could probably offer you some advice or answer some questions if you wanted?” A guy with dark stringy hair said that, directed at Donghyuck, so he assumes that has to be Minjun. He would have been attractive if it wasn’t for the god awful snapback he was wearing. Tragic. 

 

“Minjun, that's so great! Hyuck has so many questions about majoring in music he never shuts up! Jeno, Renjun, and I have to constantly tell him to just turn to Naver or find another major.” Jaemin laughs as he says this, and takes another sip of his drink while turning to Donghyuck. “Why don’t you guys exchange numbers so you can actually get some answers for once?”

 

_That’s so stupid,_ Donghyuck thinks, _why on earth would I want to give some rando my phone number. Is Jaemin trying to set me up? I told him I’m not looking for a boyf-_

 

His internal monologue gets cut off when Minjun slides over to him and puts his phone in Donghyuck’s hand with the “New Contact” screen open and ready. 

 

For a second, Donghyuck debates putting in a fake number, but quickly decides against it. It’s not like this guy gave him any reason to dislike him so far, right? He’s a senior now. _You need to be more open to things and have new adventures!_ For some reason the voice in his head telling him that sounded a lot like Jaemin. 

 

Jaemin is stupid.

 

Donghyuck puts in his real number.

 

The night goes on and Donghyuck drinks more, dances more, and loses himself more. One moment he’s sitting around talking to Minjun and his friends, and the next moment he’s sandwiched between Jeno and Jaemin on the dance floor singing some kpop song he honestly couldn’t remember the name of if he tried. 

 

Somewhere along the way, the three of them make their way to the back of the house. _My feet hurt,_ Jeno had said, to which Jaemin replied with _jesus fucking christ Jeno I told you not to wear your new Balenciaga’s. They’re not even cute and now they’re hurting your feet. Why don’t you ever listen to me_ and Donghyuck had wanted to throw up at how married they sounded.

 

Donghyuck collapses on a couch and glances at his phone for the first time of the night. “Holy shit it’s already 2am, what the fuck?” He says it to no one, but Jeno responds.

 

“What do you mean 'already'? The night’s literally just beginning. I heard a couple of Minjun’s friends talking about smoking after this. We should totally try to get in on that.”

 

Jaemin eagerly cuts in, “Oh my god yes! Do you think they’ll make us pay? Maybe they’re too drunk and they’ll smoke us up for free?”

 

“Does it matter? Do you know anywhere else we’d even get weed from? We have to at least try.”

 

“I mean I guess I wouldn’t mind paying but I still haven’t gotten a job y-“

 

“Hold on, guys,” Donghyuck stops them right there, “I really don’t think we should be out this late. I say we just go back to Jeno’s and worry about weed another time. We literally have the whole summer ahead of us.”

 

Jaemin and Jeno share a look. The look tells Donghyuck that they probably won’t agree with him. They never do. 

 

“I’m gonna go take another shot and then flirt with Joowon to see what they’re doing. Wish me luck!” As Jaemin gets up to find more alcohol, Donghyuck feels his phone vibrate. He looks down and sees a text from an unsaved number. He must have made a face that showed how confused he felt because Jeno was now elbowing him. 

 

“Who texted you?”

 

Donghyuck has to think for a moment. Make that two moments. “I really have no idea. I never get texts from unsaved numbers…” He trails off as he opens the text.

 

_hey its minjun, u ever smoked before?_

 

“Jeno, Minjun just texted me about smoking.”

 

“OH MY GOD oh my god okay Donghyuck,” Jeno dramatically puts his hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder, “this is all on you now. You have to get us in on this! I’m gonna go find Jaemin and Renjun and then we’re gonna get high as fuck, thank god.”

 

Donghyuck watches Jeno practically run through the house and then looks back down at his phone. Now that he’s stationary and trying to focus on one thing, he’s realizing just how drunk he is. 

 

_Fuck,_ Donghyuck thinks, _I’m totally not in the mood for this._ He decides to just suck it up and respond. This isn’t just Donghyuck’s summer, it’s Jeno, Renjun, and Jaemin’s summer as well. He shouldn't ruin the night for everyone just because he’s “not in the mood”.

 

_hey minjun!! i’ve smoked a couple of times before and i really enjoyed it haha why are u asking??_

 

It only took a minute to get a response.

 

_my friends and i are heading back to my apartment to smoke, wanna come with?_

 

Donghyuck sat there for a moment, realizing it was a personal invite. If he couldn’t get his own friends to come he was absolutely not doing this.

 

_i sort of promised my friends i wouldn't leave them… is it cool if they come?_

 

Instant response again.

 

_of course! the more the merrier as they say lol_

 

Donghyuck sighed. Hard. As he got up to look for his friends, he noticed a half finished beer sitting on the table in front of him. Looking around, he downed the rest of the beer and set off to find his friends.

 

Spotting his friends was a lot easier than he thought. Scratch that— it was just as easy as he thought. Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin were all in the kitchen leaning on each other for support as they laughed. If Donghyuck could, he’d bet all $63.72 in his savings account that Renjun said some dumb drunk shit and Jeno and Jaemin couldn’t contain their laughter, which lead to them all cackling like idiots. Donghyuck smiled. They’re his idiots.

 

“Wow guys, high already?”

 

“Donghyuck, Renjun is literally the biggest fucking idiot on the planet,” Jaemin says through his laughter, to which Donghyuck had to chuckle at. Of course.

 

“We literally been knew,” Donghyuck says with a fake roll of his eyes. God he loves his friends.

 

“Wait hyuck what did you mean when you said high already? Does that mean we’re smoking?!” Jeno looked like he genuinely couldn’t hold back his excitement. That made Donghyuck smile even more. He was about to bring so much joy to his friends.

 

“Yeah guys, Minjun invited us back to his apartment to smoke with his frien-“

 

“FUCK YES oh my god Renjun I can’t wait to get you high again that was literally the funniest experience of my life,” Jaemin cut Donghyuck off. Donghyuck was used to it.

 

“Hyuck can you text him for the address? Guys let’s all do two more shots and then we’ll go.” Jeno said as he pulled some sterile looking vodka off the kitchen table.

 

“You guys can take the shots. I’m not gonna drink any more tonight. I’ll just text Minjun.” Donghyuck pulled out his phone with the intention of sending a new message, but he saw an unread text already sitting in his inbox.

 

_yo my apartment is literally three blocks away so we’re just gonna walk there. u guys wanna meet us in the driveway?_

 

Donghyuck responded immediately with a _yup we’ll be out soon!_ and turned back to his friends who had just finished their second round. As tough as Renjun thought he was, he always had the worst reaction to alcohol. Donghyuck laughed at their faces. 

 

“That shit literally gets more gross as the night goes on, doesn’t it. Jesus fucking christ.” Jaemingrimaced as he scanned the kitchen to see if he could find anything to chase it with, frowning when he didn’t find anything. 

 

“Alright,” Donghyuck started, “Minjun’s apartment is like three blocks from here, so we’re just gonna walk with them. Is that cool?” He knew the answer would be yes.

 

“Donghyuck you know my fucking feet hurt,” Jeno whined, and Donghyuck was about to genuinely apologize until he saw that signature Jeno smile, “Good thing I just took two shots! Lmao guys I can’t feel my feet anymore.” And with that, he leaned against Renjun (and smiled even bigger which Donghyuck didn’t think was possible). “Onwards!”

 

They make it out the front door and are easily able to spot the group of Minjun and his friends. 

 

The walk made Donghyuck wish he drank a lot less than he did. It’s not that it was hard for him to walk, unlike Jeno who was literally leaning all of his weight on Renjun, Donghyuck just knew he wasn’t able to think correctly anymore. His mind was saying everything and nothing all at once. He had about four Seventeen songs suck in his head at the same time. He also couldn’t stop checking his phone because once he’d see the time, he’d forget it a minute later and have to recheck. 

 

“Waiting for a text from your boyfriend?” The voice came from his left, and it took him a solid second to realize someone was talking to him. He looks over and sees Minjun.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You keep checking your phone. I thought maybe your boyfriend was supposed to text you.”

 

“I actually don’t have a boyfriend right now?” Donghyuck responded confusedly. This is so random. _Why is Minjun so random._

 

“Sorry for assuming, you’re just so cute it’s hard to believe you’re single.” And with that, Donghyuck finally realized Minjun is hitting on him. Apparently so did Jaemin.

 

“Our little hyuck here has had many guys hit on him but never wanted to actually date anyone. Isn’t he weird?”

 

“Jaemin stop calling me little I’m literally older than you.”

 

“Only by two months! I’m taller than you so you’re my Little Donghyuck and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

 

_Jaemin is stupid_. 

 

Donghyuck could only blush at the name Jaemin just called him, and he thought he heard a small “cute” come from his left. When he looked over, he saw Minjun smiling at him. Donghyuck smiled back. The alcohol was making him feel great. 

 

The way their house looked should have been the first reason to turn around and leave. It was dark and messy, with obviously no care at all. Dirty dishes were stacked in the sink and literal trash was everywhere, but for some reason Donghyuck had thought it was _cool._

 

Or perhaps he had heard Jaemin say it was cool. Does it make a difference? 

 

They all sit down in the living room and pass small introductions. Apparently Minjun’s friends were named Joowon, Seojun, Cheolsu, and Jongseok. As if Donghyuck would even try to remember those names. 

 

Jaemin was seated next to Joowon, Donghyuck next to Minjun, Renjun next to Jeno, and the other three were together. The guy who Donghyuck thinks is probably Cheolsu pulls out a bong from seemingly nowhere, and begins to pack the bowl. 

 

Somehow Jaemin mentions his older brother Jaehyun, which sparks conversation because _oh yeah,_ Donghyuck remembers, _this weird group of people used to hang out with Jaehyun hyung. Why are we with them again?_

 

Time does that weird thing again where it doesn’t make sense, and suddenly Donghyuck has a bong in his lap and Minjun is looking at him expectantly for the second time that night. 

 

“Do you want me to light it for you?” Minjun asks, and Donghyuck can only nod.

 

He lightly presses his lips to the mouthpiece and waits for Minjun to spark the lighter. It ignites with a small _click._

 

As he’s breathing in the smoke he sees Jeno recording on his phone, probably for snapchat, and he tries his best to look cool when he blows it out. Sadly, his throat closes up and he ends up coughing a lot harder than he wanted to. This seems to make all of Minjun’s friends laugh, and Donghyuck shyly hands the bong to Minjun.

 

“I’ve never taken a hit that big before…” Donghyuck tries to defend himself, but belatedly realizes it probably made him sound lame and unexperienced. _Fuck, maybe I’m the stupid one._

 

The high hits Donghyuck almost instantly. In his already drunken state, he becomes more dizzy, lighter than before, and almost laughs at the way it makes him feel. He has absolutely no idea what’s going on around him anymore because he’s so lost in his crossed haze. 

 

There’s no way to tell how much time has passed, but he’s starting to hear a lot of keywords floating around. One of them being _threesome_.

 

His first thought is Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin are doing something. In a group of four gays, of course there’s gonna be hookups, but Donghyuck had always felt like he was missing some sort of connection the other three had. 

 

As he comes to his senses, he sees his friends going into a bedroom. Minjun asks Donghyuck if he wants to go too. Donghyuck nods his head. 

 

Suddenly everyone is in the bedroom, and Donghyuck sees Renjun undressing Jeno. This throws up a huge flag in Donghyuck’s mind, and he opens his mouth to say something, but then Jaemin is walking up to him with the most handsome smile in the world and all Donghyuck can do is stare. 

 

Jaemin undresses himself first, and then works on getting Donghyuck’s clothes off. When he gets to his underwear, he sees Donghyuck hesitate for a second, and Jaemin leans into Donghyuck.

 

“Relax.” He whispers, and suddenly Donghyuck’s boxers are off and Jaemin is kissing his neck.

 

He hears the other boys in the room make some comments, but all he can focus on his Jaemin leading him backwards to the bed while still working on his neck. Donghyuck can’t lie, his weakness is neck kisses, and he’s pretty sure Jaemin knows this too. 

 

_Jaemin is stupid._

 

With Jaemin fully on top of him, Donghyuck looks to his left and sees Renjun on top of Jeno in basically the same position. Apparently Jaemin likes what he sees too, because with one swift movement he’s off Donghyuck and on top of Jeno as well. 

 

Minjun appears out of nowhere. Donghyuck guesses the sight of four naked guys on a bed was enough to make the whole crowd want a piece, because the other guys started undressing and talking about taking turns. Donghyuck was forced to tune out their words because he was now dealing with Minjun running his hands all over his body and pressing him down into the bed.

 

At this point, Donghyuck’s mind was so foggy he couldn’t even tell you what happened next. 

 

He remembers a dick sliding into his hole. No preparation at all. Donghyuck opens his mouth to scream but no sound comes out. A little alarm went off in his head saying _this guy’s dick is literally in your asshole and it’s not covered. Your 6th grade health teacher would be ASHAMED!_

 

He tries to get the words out, but it didn't even matter because there was only one condom floating around, and suddenly Cheolsu is asking if he could have a turn.

 

Donghyuck starts to become a bit more self aware. 

 

Cheolsu was a very rough person and Donghyuck was not enjoying it at all, but he was still drunk and high and Jaemin was next to him making these obscene noises and for some reason he thought _if I were to get up and leave at this moment, everyone would hate me._ Ridiculous, right? But he kept going with it. _That’s what I’m good at; going with the flow._

 

Donghyuck was now getting beard burn on his face and was choking on Cheolsu’s tongue while his fingers moved into his hole, and at that moment, Donghyuck felt suffocated. 

 

He doesn't know what triggered it, but he pushes Cheolsu off. It’s a pathetic excuse of a push as he only manages to disconnect their mouths while everything else stays in tact, but Donghyuck could now _breathe_ and he was thankful for it.

 

Cheolsu must have thought he meant something else because he moves down to kissing Donghyuck’s chest and literally biting his nipples. Donghyuck cries out.

 

It hurts so bad, Donghyuck pushes him again, this time a bit harder. “Don’t do that.”

 

All Cheolsu does is smile at Donghyuck and push his member inside of him. It hurt _so fucking much_ because he’s a considerable amount bigger than Minjun, and Donghyuck isn’t even turned on, so the pain is just not welcomed nor wanted.

 

Donghyuck pushes him _again._ “No.”

 

Cheolsu doesn’t stop. Donghyuck gives up. 

 

These guys obviously don’t understand anything because when Cheolsu rolls off of Donghyuck, Seojun thinks it’s his turn. It gives Donghyuck a second to collect his thoughts and he looks over to see Jaemin being penetrated by two guys at the same time. 

 

Donghyuck looks back up to the ceiling. 

 

_What the actual fuck is happening this is not what I wanted I need to get out now now now—_ but his thoughts are interrupted by Seojun touching him.

 

Donghyuck zones out. 

 

He vaguely remember hands all over his body, touching him so hard he starts worrying about bruises. The next coherent memory was Jaemin saying something about how him and Donghyuck have made out before, and the guys suddenly want them to kiss again. 

 

He sits up with Jaemin and kisses him.

 

He’s always had a little crush on Jaemin. He’s extremely attractive and has a pretty good personality and can make you feel like the most important person in the world. Of course he was going to kiss him again. 

 

Things actually feel normal for a moment, like it’s just Donghyuck and Jaemin in the room. Until he realizes the person who is now fingering him is _not Jaemin_ and is actually one of the fuck boys. Reality comes crashing down around him as he sees the guys pull Jaemin back down and proceed to “Eiffel Tower” him. 

 

Donghyuck can’t breathe.

 

Minjun is on top of him again, and Donghyuck does NOT want any part in this anymore.

 

“No!” Donghyuck all but yells as he pushes Minjun as hard as he can, “get off of me right now!”

 

“Calm down,” Minjun laughs. It makes Donghyuck feel stupid. 

 

The fact that he’s laughing and acting like this is no big deal. The fact that he’s talking to Donghyuck as if he’s upset about spilling water instead of being upset over having sex. The way he makes Donghyuck feel is so _worthless_ and _dumb_ that he ends up laughing and kissing Minjun as if he wants it.

 

Donghyuck goes along with it thinking it would make him feel better about the situation. 

 

It does not.

 

He has no idea who the fuck barges into the room, but he’s so thankful he doesn't even question it. 

 

The mystery man starts yelling at everyone to _get the fuck out_ , and Donghyuck doesn’t need to be told twice. 

 

Everyone immediately jumps out of bed and starts putting on their clothes. Donghyuck’s legs are so numb it takes him several tries to get his pants on, but once they’re on, he blindly runs out of the house.

 

He waits on the driveway for Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun. He doesn’t recognize where he is and the night would only get worse if he decided to wander around by himself.

 

Donghyuck _breathes_ for the first time in a while, and his mind goes blank. 

 

Jaemin and Renjun are non stop talking about what just happened while Jeno leads the way. Donghyuck’s behind them trying to think. Trying to find a single coherent thought in his mind. He finds nothing.

 

When they make it to Jeno’s house, Donghyuck realizes how much he wishes he could be at his own house. But he’s smarter than that.

 

He’s not smart enough to stop four guys from raping him, but he’s smart enough to make it seem like he wasn’t effected. 

 

As they walk into the empty house, Donghyuck calls out, “I got dibs on shower! Someone spilled alcohol down my back at the party and I’ve been wanting to get it off all night,” and practically sprints up the stairs to Jeno’s shower. He vaguely hears Renjun and Jaemin laughing as he closes the door. 

 

Donghyuck makes the mistake of looking in the mirror. 

 

He has blooming hickeys everywhere. Pulling off his shirt to get a better look, his throat clenches. 

 

There are pink and purple marks starting to form all along his neck and collarbones, leading down to his chest and hips. He runs his hand over one of them and immediately flinches at the pain it brings. 

 

His eyes water. 

 

He realizes he’s bleeding when he takes his pants off. He doesn’t acknowledge it.

 

Turning on the shower to the hottest setting, he gets in. 

 

Donghyuck tries to pretend like it’s a normal shower. He starts shampooing his hair, closing his eyes to prevent shampoo from burning them (not because he saw the light red water swirling around the drain).

 

When he’s reaching for the body wash, he stops. There’s a mark on his forearm that looks a lot like a handprint. 

 

He breaks. 

 

Donghyuck slides to the floor of the shower, muffling his sobs in his hands as he cries. Cries for himself. Cries for what he just want through. 

 

He lets the misery, fear, and pain overcome him as his body racks with his silent sobs. 

 

He realizes he can’t breathe a bit too late, and starts choking on his own throat. He blindly reaches out for the knob and shakily turns the water to freezing. 

 

Donghyuck’s numb now. 

 

When he finds his bearings again, he realizes he’s probably been in the shower for a bit too long. He turns the water off and reluctantly steps out of the shower. Avoiding the mirror completely, he wraps a towel around his waist and walks to Jeno’s room.

 

The boys are thankfully still downstairs, so Donghyuck is easily able locate the bag he brought over with clothes to sleep in. He pulls out the soft material of sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

 

He winces as he’s pulling on his sweatshirt, realizing his whole body aches. He's ready for the pain that comes when he pulls on his sweatpants. He wishes he was still numb. 

 

Donghyuck stuffs his bloody clothes in his bag and pretends everything is fine.

 

Everything is fine.

 

He goes downstairs to see his friends have set up the living room in their usual sleepover style: the tables and chairs are moved to the side with blankets and pillows all over the floor for four boys to sleep on. 

 

A movie is playing on the TV and the lights are off. Donghyuck lays down. 

 

He hears Renjun and Jaemin whispering over the low volume of the movie, and he also hears Jeno snore a little. Donghyuck figures he can just go to sleep and when he wakes up it’ll be like this night had never happened. 

 

Jeno nudges Donghyuck in his sleep a little. Donghyuck flinches. 

 

He ends up spending the whole night staring at the ceiling. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To put it lightly, Donghyuck was a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I don't know if I'll keep saying this at the beginning of every chapter but major trigger warning!!! Please don't continue reading if you can't handle it. I love you all.

To put it lightly, Donghyuck was a mess.

 

The morning after that night had been pathetic as fuck. Donghyuck had gotten no sleep and his mind was still going 100mph and 0mph at the same time. Jeno was the first to wake up, immediately dragging his hungover self upstairs to shower. Donghyuck had pretended to sleep, but after Jeno went upstairs he found himself walking into his kitchen for a glass of water. 

 

As he’s leaning against Jeno’s kitchen counter, glass of water in hand, he finds himself zoning out again. Thinking about everything and nothing all at once. 

 

A hand touches his shoulder. Donghyuck flinches. _Hard._

 

The glass of water slips out of his hand and breaks loudly on the hardwood floor. Donghyuck doesn’t notice. All he can think about is the fact that someone just touched him and he doesn’t want to be touched anymore and suddenly he can’t breathe and he’s hearing a voice but it’s not making sense and _ohmygod I’m finally gonna die I knew it wasn’t over it’ll never be over please leave me alone pleasepleasepelase._

 

As his heartbeat starts to slow, he realizes he’s now on the ground and there’s a face in front of him. He flinches again as he feels another hand on him, but something in his mind is telling him to not be afraid of this hand. That’s when he notices the face in front of him belongs to Renjun. He’s in Jeno’s kitchen. Right. 

 

Renjun looks worried as fuck. Donghyuck finds that funny. 

 

“Donghyuck, man come on you need to breathe slower. What the fuck is happening.” At that, Donghyuck starts laughing. 

 

Of course Renjun has no idea what’s happening. Of course his friends wouldn't understand what’s happening inside his mind. Of course Donghyuck is reacting the wrong way, and it’s funny as hell to his sleep deprived mind that no one has noticed yet. 

 

Donghyuck feels wetness on his face, and he realizes his laughing had turned to sobbing. 

 

He feels Renjun move to sit down next to him, and he tries not to flinch again as Renjun gathers Donghyuck into his arms and lets him cry. Donghyuck grabs a fistful of Renjun’s hoodie and clenches it tightly, hoping Renjun’s arms can keep his mind from falling apart. 

 

He doesn’t know how long they sit there. Renjun keeps running his hand up and down Donghyuck’s back and at first he hadn’t welcomed the feeling, but it slowly began to relax him. His breathing starts to even out and he sniffles. His eyes are closed. He doesn’t want to see Renjun’s reaction right now. 

 

“Hyuck… are you okay?” 

 

The question is so deep. It’s _so deep_ Donghyuck almost laughs again, but he doesn’t have the energy. He can barely even muster enough strength to pathetically nod because yes, Donghyuck is okay. Donghyuck is okay if it means he won’t have to talk about what the fuck just happened. 

 

He hears footsteps and a gasp and he doesn’t need to open his eyes to know it’s Jaemin who just walked in on this mess. 

 

“Jesus christ what the fuck why is there glass on the floor? Hyuck are you crying? Are you hurt? Oh my god, Renjun what’s happening?” 

 

In Jaemin’s defense, he does sound genuinely worried. But Donghyuck’s in no state of mind to empathize with his friend right now. He gathers his thoughts for a moment. _I’m not the weak friend. They can’t know what’s going on in my mind right now. I can act this out, I didn’t have that theater phase in middle school for nothing._

 

Donghyuck sniffles again and stands up. “Yeah,” He clears his throat when he hears how scratchy it sounds, “I’m good. Just dropped a cup of water and felt bad for the glass. I hope I didn’t dent the hardwood. Jeno’s mom would be pissed.” He laughs as normally as he can, and steps around Jaemin to find a broom, purposely not looking anyone in the eye. 

 

The silence that follows tells Donghyuck that Renjun and Jaemin are probably silently communicating through eye contact like they always do. 

 

Donghyuck grabs the broom and the dustpan and starts cleaning up. Well, he tries to clean up. His hands are shaking too hard for him to actually get any pieces of glass into the pan. He doesn’t give up until he feels Jaemin put his hands on top of Donghyuck’s, stopping his movements. 

 

“Let me do it.” Jaemin says, in the softest tone Donghyuck had ever heard from him. It makes another tear escape his left eye, but he’s quick to wipe it away. He steps back and lets Jaemin clean up his mess. 

 

Donghyuck feels eyes on him as he looks to Renjun, and sees him looking at his neck.

 

_The hickeys._

 

Instinctively, Donghyuck shrinks into his hoodie, trying to hide as much skin as possible. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do, because Donghyuck can see the gears working behind Renjun’s eyes.

 

“Donghyuck,” Renjun starts, and Donghyuck knows he’s going to hate what’s about to come out of his mouth, “is this about last night?” He looks so concerned. “What did those guys do to you?”

 

Donghyuck shudders. He tries to breathe evenly but can’t help when an inhale or two gets caught and comes out shakily. A picture of Minjun on top of him flashes through his mind, and he shakes his head a little as if to knock it out of his thoughts. “What do you mean, Injunnie?”

 

The nickname was supposed to make it sound normal, but his panicked tone gave him away. At the sound of his voice, Jaemin’s head snaps up to look at Donghyuck too. 

 

Donghyuck feels trapped. 

 

“Last night I was so drunk and high,” Renjun continues, “I don’t even remember it clearly, but I was so focused on what I was doing that I have no idea what you were doing.” He pauses a little and looks as if he’s trying really hard to recall his memories. “Did you have sex with anyone?” 

 

Donghyuck’s eyes meet Jaemin’s. They both know he did. Donghyuck wants to deny it so badly but he would literally be lying in front of a witness. Now that he thinks about it, Donghyuck has no idea where Jeno and Renjun went. All he remembers being in the room is Jaemin and the five guys that were supposed to be cool. When did they leave? Why did they leave? _Why didn’t they take me with them?_

 

Donghyuck takes a deep breath. His mind and heart are both racing, almost as if they’re in a competition to see which one can run faster. His stomach churns and his throat clenches. When did he start sweating?

 

“I,” He starts shakily, “I did. H-have sex. With Minjun. And Cheolsu. And Seojun.” He looks down, not believing he just said that out loud. He sounds like such a fucking _slut_ , losing his virginity to three guys at once. Tears start prickling in his eyes and he bites his lip. 

 

“What?!” Renjun exclaims in disbelief. “All three of them?”

 

Donghyuck knew how it sounded. _He must think I’m the biggest whore on the planet right now jesus christ._

 

“Yeah, actually,” Jaemin speaks up, “I had sex with them too… as well as Jongseok.” He smiles like he’s proud of it. Like it’s an accomplishment. Donghyuck’s stomach churns some more.

 

Renjun’s jaw literally drops. “So there was, like, a whole six-some happening? An orgy? You guys had an orgy?!” 

 

Jeno chooses this moment to walk into the kitchen, hair dripping from the shower he just took. “Yo what? Who had an orgy? That’s awesome!” 

 

Jaemin’s smile turns into a full on grin as he turns to face Jeno. “Yeah last night at Minjun’s, Hyuck and I took part in a six-some. It was honestly the best thing I’ve ever done, I don’t think I’ve ever had that many orgasms in the span of 45 minutes.” 

 

“That’s because the only action you ever get is your hand.”

 

“Not anymore!”

 

Renjun’s eyes are still on Donghyuck. Donghyuck’s eyes are still on the floor. A text tone goes off in the living room. Donghyuck flinches. Renjun sees. 

 

“Hyuck-ah, that sounded like your phone.” Jeno says as he turns to face Donghyuck for the first time this morning. His face morphs from his classic bright smile into a look of confusion. “Woah, Donghyuck, are you alright?”

 

Donghyuck’s already tired of that question. He clears his throat, “Super hungover. I’m gonna go check my phone,” and with that, Donghyuck walks out of the kitchen and into the living room. 

 

His hands are still shaking as he picks up his phone and he forces himself to breathe. He unlocks his phone and opens the message when he sees it’s from his mom. 

 

_I know it’s summer, but you promised me that you’d start looking for a job this week. Please come home soon._

 

Fuck. Donghyuck almost forgot he’s a real person with real responsibilities.

 

He considers for a second, what it would be like if he went to his mother and told her he was raped. Not only would he have to come out to her, he’d also have to explain why he was high and drunk. It takes no longer for him to decide not to tell her. 

 

_don't worry i’ll be home soon!_

 

He checks the time and realizes they almost slept until noon. Deciding to just leave, Donghyuck quickly runs upstairs to Jeno’s room to grab his bag. He almost avoids all mirrors until deciding to check his appearance, just to see what his friends saw.

 

Dark bruised bags under his eyes. Disheveled hair sticking up in all the wrong places. Hickeys so vibrant they almost look painted on. _Holy fuck how am I going to hide those from my mom._

 

Pulling his sweatshirt up higher, he discovers he can hide his whole neck if he stands a certain way. Not having enough energy to find a better solution, he grabs his bag and heads downstairs. 

 

As he’s walking to the kitchen, he hears soft conversation, but as soon as he steps into the room the talking stops and all eyes are on him. Donghyuck swallows and tightens his hold on his bag. 

 

“Hey guys my mom needs me to come home now so I’m gonna get going…” He doesn’t really know what else to say. 

 

“Bye Hyuck-ah! Text me later, okay?” Renjun says this with a look in his eyes Donghyuck’s never seen before. Jeno’s looking down at his hands while Jaemin’s eyes are on the floor. _What the fuck_. 

 

“Of course Injunnie,” Donghyuck turns around, “Bye guys.”

 

He walks out Jeno’s front door into the sweltering heat of summer. It should be uncomfortable with the heavy clothing he has on, but it doesn’t even phase him. Grabbing his keys from inside his bag, he unlocks his car and gets in. 

 

Donghyuck sits there for a moment. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath like he’s already done so many times today.  

 

He drives home in silence. Something he’s never done before, always having some type of music playing. Sitting is becoming uncomfortable, with his whole body aching and his asshole sore as hell. The discomfort is starting to make him angry. In fact, Donghyuck is pissed as fuck.

 

He pulls up to his apartment complex and slams his car door closed. All he can think about is how unfair his life just became. _I don’t deserve this, I’m a good kid! I’ve never done anything bad in my life ever and the one night I step out of my comfort zone I get fucking gang banged without my consent and now I have to hide everything from everyone and I really don’t fucking deserve this._

 

Donghyuck makes his way into the complex and almost breaks the elevator button with how hard he presses it. He shakes his leg as he waits for the doors to open, impatient with rage. When they finally open, he marches in and hits the small _8,_ watching it light up as he falls against the wall. 

 

The higher the elevator gets, the angrier Donghyuck becomes. By the time the doors open on floor eight, he’s literally shaking with anger. Pulling up his hoodie because he knows he’s about to face his mom, he walks down the hallway and unlocks their door. 

 

“Mom, I’m home!” He says loudly, not having to raise his voice that high to reach all corners of their small apartment. 

 

“Hey honey, how was Jeno’s?” His mom responds, walking out of her room. She barely even looks at him as she walks into the kitchen and starts opening their mail. It’s just a normal day for her. _I wonder when my next normal day will be._  

 

He tries to keep the venom out of his voice when he replies, “Jeno’s was fun, same as always. It’s pretty hot outside so I’m gonna shower before I start job hunting.” He doesn’t even wait for a response before he’s out of her sight and into his room. 

 

He throws his bag at the foot of his bed and collapses onto his comforter. He lays there for a while, staring at his ceiling, letting it all sink in. He’s ready for a stronger wave of anger to hit him, but nothing comes. It actually fades away. He’s back to feeling nothing.

 

Donghyuck checks his phone and sees he has a snapchat from Jaemin (probably their daily streak), a text from Renjun, and a new follower request on instagram. Not wanting to respond to anyone, he opens the instagram notification. 

 

Minjun’s face appears. 

 

It seems Minjun somehow found Donghyuck’s account and requested to follow him. His mind goes blank at the sight of Minjun. He taps the delete option next to his name and tries to ignore the fact that he suddenly feels dirty. 

 

He can’t ignore it. 

 

Donghyuck quickly hops in the shower, turning the knob all the way to hot like he had done the night before, and scrubs his entire body. 

 

It’s not helping. He scrubs harder. 

 

Suddenly all of his anger comes back full force and Donghyuck almost rips his flesh off as he rubs and rubs and rubs and _why isn’t this helping maybe I need new soap maybe I need new friends_ and he audibly cries out as his arms start to burn. 

 

He stands there under the spray. He knows it’s hot but he still feels cold. His legs are shaking. 

 

When he gets out of the shower the mirror is thankfully fogged up so he doesn’t have to pretend like he’s avoiding it. He throws on baggy jeans and a long sleeved shirt. He can’t show the bruises. 

 

Thankfully, Donghyuck has long since mastered the art of color correcting. He takes one look at his hickeys and curses the fact that he’ll probably need to buy more after this. 

 

He’s numb as he paints his neck, trying not to flinch at the pain that feels so much deeper than just his skin. He pretends like his neck is a canvas not on himself. He’s just covering some spots. Has nothing to do with him. 

 

As he’s fixing his hair, he thinks about what jobs to apply for. There are a few places within walking distance, one of them being Starbucks. Donghyuck’s always loved the atmosphere of the Starbucks café, but has never had enough money to actually spend on one of their over priced drinks. Maybe if he works there he can get an employee discount. 

 

So he applies, first online because he knows that’s how it works these days. He also knows that if you want your online application to actually be reviewed, you need to go in person. He grabs his phone and keys and slides his shoes on without even telling his mom where he’s going. It’s right down the street and around the corner. He’ll probably be back before she even notices he’s gone. 

 

As he's walking there he tries to compartmentalize. Yes, he’s currently a wreck emotionally and lowkey physically, but he needs to act somewhat professional to score this job. _Hi, I’m Donghyuck and I applied online and I was wondering what the status of my application is?_ Perfect. 

 

He walks through the door and is immediately hit with the smell of freshly ground coffee. It’s pretty busy, considering it’s around 2pm on a summer day, so Donghyuck gets in line for the cash register. When he makes it up front, he’s greeted with a huge smile and a loud “Good afternoon, what can we get for you?” from a guy who's name tag says _Xuxi_. 

 

“Hi, u-um I was actually wondering if I could speak to the manager? I applied online and w-“ He’s cut off with Xuxi holding up his hand.

 

“Our manager isn’t in today, he only works weekdays.” _Oh shit is today Saturday?_ “If you’d like, I can take down your name and number and make sure he contacts you?” Xuxi then grabs a sharpie and a pastry bag and slides them to Donghyuck. “Just write anywhere.”

 

Donghyuck’s hands shake a little as he starts writing his information, aware that there’s a line behind him and he’s holding things up. He triple checks to make sure he wrote his number correctly and then gives the sharpie and pastry bag back to Xuxi, who smiles at him like he just handed him a million dollars in cash. 

 

“Thanks! I’ll be sure to leave this in a place where he’ll see it, and I’ll even text him about it to make sure he knows it’s there.” Xuxi says with such genuine kindness and happiness in his voice it actually hurts Donghyuck just a little bit. 

 

“Ah, thank you so much, X-xuxi. That’s really nice of you.” Donghyuck says, bowing a little to show his gratitude. 

 

“No problem, Donghyuck! I hope we’ll be working together soon. Have a nice day!” With one last blinding smile from Xuxi, Donghyuck moves on and the next customer steps up. 

 

As he's walking home he thinks about how easy that just was. He also thinks about how he hasn’t eaten anything in almost 24 hours and it’s no wonder he’s starting to feel really weak and tired. 

 

After walking through his door, he makes a beeline for his room but is stopped by his mother. 

 

“Did you get a job that fast?”

 

“Sort of, the manager needs to contact me about setting up an interview.” It’s a small lie, but he’s too exhausted and wants to keep this conversation as short as possible.

 

“Oh, sweetie, that’s great! Where will you be working?”

 

“The Starbucks around the corner.”

 

“Ah! That sounds like such a perfect job for you now that I think about it. I hope things go smoothly from here on out.” God he loves his mother. 

 

“Thanks mom. I’ll be in my room.”

 

He quickly changes into sweatpants and hops into bed. Out of habit, he checks his phone and realizes he never responded to Jaemin or Renjun. 

 

He doesn’t want to respond. He just wants to sleep. 

 

As soon as he closes his eyes, he’s out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive criticism please!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life goes on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! No major warnings for this chapter, just the usual rape mention and anxiety. Poor Hyuck.

Life goes on.

 

Donghyuck gets the job at Starbucks. Right off the bat he starts working 40 hours a week, deciding a distraction is what he needs. He wakes up every morning at 4am to open at 5am, and works until 1:30pm. Then he goes home and sleeps, just to wake up around 10pm. He showers and does his chores, and tries to eat something. That’s one thing he doesn’t really do much of these days. Eat.

 

Falling into this schedule is kind of easy for him. Working eight and a half hours every day makes him tired enough to be able to sleep long hours. He also sleeps through the days he has off. He’s always either working or sleeping, and that’s the perfect routine for Donghyuck because there’s no time for thinking. Or at least there _wasn’t_.

 

It’s a month after _that night_ when he experiences his first nightmare.

 

He goes to sleep a bit later than usual that day because he’d offered to pick up groceries from the store for his mother. When he does get home, it’s a bit past 5pm, which is a lot past Donghyuck’s usual 3pm bedtime.

 

Falling into a deep sleep is no trouble for him. He doesn’t usually dream about anything important, rarely ever remembering anything other than a flash of a childhood memory.

 

His nightmare starts off like this.

 

_He’s in a room with Jaemin. The walls and the ceiling are painted a blinding white. They’re facing each other, conversing about god knows what. It’s comfortable, familiar, but then Jaemin’s eyes suddenly move to something behind Donghyuck and his face morphs to fear. It’s an expression he's only seen on Jaemin’s face about once or twice in his life. It freaks Donghyuck the fuck out._

 

_Before he even has a chance to turn around, a hand clutches onto his waist with an iron grip, pulling him backwards. He tries to scream for Jaemin for help, but Jaemin is only concerned about saving himself._

 

_The grip on him is getting tighter and Donghyuck starts to panic. Suddenly, the room turns to black as if a lightswitch had been turned off. The vision is bathed in darkness and now he can’t see a thing. The only sense he’s relying on is touch, but all he feels is pain radiating from the bruising grip the hand has on him._

 

_His back thumps against what feels like someone’s chest. There’s shallow breathing on his neck. It makes him sweat and shiver at the same time._

 

_“Miss me?”_

 

Donghyuck’s never woken up so fast in his life. He opens his eyes but all he’s greeted with is darkness and he’s not even sure if he’s away from that man. _His voice sounded just like Minjun’s._

 

Donghyuck is full on hyperventilating now, trying to make sense of the jumbled mess in his brain. _It was just a dream_ he tries to tell himself, but it doesn’t help when he’s reminded that it actually wasn’t a dream, and he actually was raped. By multiple people.

 

That night is the first night Donghyuck cries since the day after the incident.

 

It’s around 2am when he finally settles down and is able to think properly. He knows going back to sleep now would just be redundant, so he opts for killing time to distract himself before his 5am shift.

 

He throws on a funny western show called _Scrubs_ that he hardly understands, but it always makes him laugh anyway.

 

During a lull in the show, he opens his phone, something he doesn’t really make much use of these days. His inbox is full of messages from Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun.

 

He hasn’t talked to them in a month.

 

He’s not mad at them or anything, he just didn’t know how to face them again. He knows it’s pathetic but he’s hoping they’ll buy the _I started a new job and I just didn’t have any time_ excuse. He’s surprised they haven’t figured out he’s working at the Starbucks around the corner from his house. Maybe they didn’t even try to look for him.

 

Their group chat is barely active, which leads him to believe that they’ve created a different one without him. _Of course they did._

 

Deciding it’s about time to get ready for work, he slides under the hot spray of the shower, mind occupied with thoughts on the shift to come.

 

Normally only two or three people open, unless it’s a Friday, like today. For some reason, Fridays are their busiest days. They get the biggest morning rush between 6:30 and 9:30, which still surprises Donghyuck because why are so many people awake so early during summer? At least he’s getting paid.

 

Everyone works Fridays, that’s just how it is. So he knows he’ll be seeing everyone today. It’s nice because since he only works mornings, he never sees the closing shifts. But his favorite closing shift, Yuta, always opens Fridays.

 

(He doesn’t know how Yuta does it after closing a Thursday night, but he’s learned not to question Yuta and his many abilities).

 

As he’s getting ready he tries his best to look at least presentable. It isn't like he’s trying to impress anyone, god knows he’s _not_ looking for a relationship. He just likes to look his best on the days when he sees the most people.

 

He wears dark tightly fitting jeans, the ones that _don’t_ have holes in the knees because that’s against dress code. His manager, Taeyong, had thrown a fit the first week that Donghyuck had forgotten. He opts for simplicity, a white polo with a black and blue flannel over it. He spends longer than he had intended on his less than noticeable makeup, blending just the barest tint of blush over his cheeks and a few swipes of mascara.

 

He leaves around 4:50am because it’s about a ten minute walk and no one is ever there before the required 5am. The morning walk is what he enjoys the most. There’s usually no one on the streets at all, and the sun is just barely kissing the skyline, bleeding a warm orange over the sky. It’s comfortable, creating a sweet quiescent atmosphere Donghyuck has come to find himself basking in.

  


“Good morning, welcome to Starbucks, what can we get for you today?”

 

It’s around 10am now, and Donghyuck has just been moved from the front register to drive thru, which isn’t very different except for the fact that he has to wear a headset and talk to people through a speaker. He honestly prefers it.

 

“I need a quad grande iced americano. Black.” The customer says, voice flat and void of any semblance of human emotion.

 

One thing Donghyuck has grown to hate is the way customers always treat barista’s like they’re robots made specifically for fetching their coffee.

 

“Anything else today, sir?” Donghyuck politely asks, but his words go ignored as the Costumer pulls away from the menu.

 

“ _Jesus, these people are ruthless today.”_ Yuta says over the headset. His position is currently drive thru bar, so he needs to wear a headset to hear the incoming orders.

 

Donghyuck loves being able to talk to him over the headset. Even though they’re only a few feet away, they’re always busy working and can’t actually converse face to face. The headset is such a blessing.

 

“I never knew how much I hated the general public until I started working here, honestly.” Donghyuck whines into the mic.

 

He hears Yuta’s bright laugh and it tugs a small satisfied smile over Donghyuck’s lips. The most enjoyable part of this job is his coworkers.

 

He opens the window and greets the rude customer.  “Morning, your total is $4.75.”

 

He tries to sound as polite and respectful as he can, knowing customer service is a big reason why people tolerate their overpriced coffee.

 

The customer pays with a card. No tip. Typical.

 

His day continues like this. One lady demands that her drink be made at 183 degrees fahrenheit, but nothing particularly eventful happens after that though.

 

Later, Donghyuck wonders how she’d know if they had made it at 182 degrees.

 

When he finally clocks out, the time reads 1:35pm. He had to wait for Xuxi to arrive and takeover the shift Donghyuck was working. Xuxi ended up arriving a couple minutes late anyways, which is no big deal to Donghyuck. He finds he actually enjoys spending more time with his coworkers. Listening to Sicheng and Yuta bicker over the headsets has to be his highlight of the day.

 

He says his goodbyes to his new friends and heads out the front door, apron and hat in hand. He feels a lot more exhausted than usual, probably because of the rough night he had.

 

As he’s opening the door, it comes in contact with something that sounds pretty solid, and it takes Donghyuck a whole second to realize he just hit someone with the door.

 

Holy shit. He just hit someone with the door. _Hard_.

 

He takes one look at the victim and immediately starts saying his prayers because the person is _on the ground,_ and he doesn’t need a national scandal where Starbucks gets sued because a barista assaulted a customer with a door.

 

“Oh my god, sir, I am so sorry! Are you okay?” He crouches down next to the person, looking for any signs of injury or dropped items.

 

The poor guy is holding his head with, face contorted in pain. _Fuck he’s kinda cute FUCK now is not the time Donghyuck help him you literal idiot!!_

 

The guy hasn’t responded to Donghyuck, so he puts his hand on the guy’s shoulder and tries to help him sit upright. It works, and the guy is able to shake his head a bit and open his eyes.

 

Now that Donghyuck can see him up close he realizes that the boy _is_ cute. Like shockingly cute. Maybe even _hot._ His eyes are impossibly big, framed by curving eyelashes and sharp cheekbones.

 

The guy’s lips pop open in an audible gasp.  

 

“Angel.” The boy breathes out, eyes wide, and Donghyuck is taken aback.

 

Did this guy just call him an angel? Does he have a concussion? What the fuck?

 

“Um,” Donghyuck cleverly replies, not knowing how to proceed, “Is your head okay, sir? Do you need me to take you to the emergency room? The hospital is a couple blocks that way-”

 

“Holy shit, no, sorry, I’m alright,” The guy stammers out, blinking about twenty times. “That _reallyfuckinghurt_ but I’m okay now. I guess I was just disoriented for a sec...”

 

Donghyuck thinks he sees a blush appearing on the guys cheeks. The word cute passes through his mind again. He realizes they’re still on the ground.

 

“Here, let me help you up.” He stands and reaches his hand out, which the stranger takes without hesitation, letting Donghyuck pull him to his feet.

 

“Thank you.” The boy tells him, nervously biting at his lip.

 

“Why are you thanking me? I literally just hit you with a door, I should be thanking you for not going to my manager and getting me fired.”

 

The guy’s eyes flit down to his apron in Donghyuck’s hand, and then back up to his eyes. “You work here? Is that why you were calling me sir?”

 

“Yeah, force of habit I guess. Sorry about that…”

 

“No, it’s cool, don’t worry about it.” The cute boy sucks in a breath and looks sheepishly at the ground. “It’s not as bad as calling the cute guy who just hit you with a door an angel.”

 

That’s when he laughs and Donghyuck notes that it’s a beautiful sound. Bubbly and sweet. His blush is back, and it’s Donghyuck’s turn to blush as well after realizing the guy just called him cute.

 

“Are you sure your head is okay?” Donghyuck asks again, belatedly realizing how rude it may have sounded.

 

He opens his mouth to clarify but the stranger just laughs even harder, and he gets distracted by the sweet hiccupy sound and how cute the guy’s full body laugh is. _His eyes are so cute like that what the hell._

 

The boy has the good grace to look embarrassed now.

 

“This is so humiliating. I promise I’m fine. I should probably uh… go though. My boss is going to kill me if I'm late so...”

 

At the stranger’s words Donghyuck realizes he’s sort of standing in the doorway, blocking the entrance.

 

“Oh yeah!” Donghyuck coughs out and he’s almost worried that his face is going to literally catch on fire at this point.

 

Donghyuck then steps to the side awkwardly and lets the boy brush past him with a heart stopping smile.

 

“Have a nice day!” He squeaks out, his customer service skills kicking in. After that he winces and internally curses himself for probably sounding like a whole idiot.

 

Donghyuck keeps replaying that interaction on his way home. He thinks about the guy’s smile and his laugh and the way his eyes seemed so bright despite being knocked to the ground by a stranger.

 

For some reason, thinking about him makes Donghyuck happy. Maybe the situation is just really funny. Or maybe that guy is just really cute.

 

Part of Donghyuck wishes he knew the guy’s name, but he decides it’s better if he doesn’t make any sort of relationship with anyone. Even his coworkers have his number for shift covering purposes only. Sure, the guy was cute and all, but life goes on. He’ll always just be a cute stranger.

 

When he gets home, he immediately showers, washing off the smell of coffee that has no doubt accumulated throughout the day.

 

He tucks himself into bed, just like any other day, and expects to fall asleep with ease. Only sleep doesn’t come.

 

The nightmares continue to haunt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A HUGE THANKS to my new beta Cel! This chapter would be nothing without her, and I'm so grateful to have her onboard for the rest of this fic. I hope you all continue to enjoy this :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's his first day of senior year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This took longer than usual because I'm in training all summer but it's okay because I'm here now to bring you chapter 4!

_Neoreul saranghaneun jjijiri jjijiri, geurae naneun meojeori meojeori, nan neohanteneun geomeori-_

 

Donghyuck rolls over with an annoyed groan, almost breaking his phone in his haste to shut his alarm off. It feels as if he had fallen asleep mere moments before it woke him up. Just his luck.

 

He sits up lazily, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. He’s confused for a second as to why he’s being woken up at 7am instead of his usual 4am for work, when dread fills his stomach.

 

It’s his first day of senior year.

 

He groans again, this time with a renewed passion. Everything he’s been ignoring this summer is about to come to head. He knows continuing to ignore Jeno, Renjun, and Jaemin would be virtually impossible since they intentionally signed up for the same classes as each other at the end of junior year. _What the fuck am I gonna say to them?_

 

He gets ready for school the way one would get ready for war, quiet and solemn. He experiences that numb feeling he’s grown used to ever since that night. Pulling out his outfit for the day, he finally comes to terms with the fact that yes, he’s going to do this. He’s determined to get through this one day.

 

As he walks into the kitchen, he notices his mom hasn’t gotten up for work yet. He hasn’t really seen a lot of her lately. Even though they both live together, their work schedules all summer were basically polar opposites. There were times when they were able to share the occasional meal with each other, catching up hastily, but it was nothing like life before Donghyuck started working.

 

He wonders if she noticed him change. Even he can definitely pinpoint the differences in his personality since that night. These days, it’s rare if he experiences any emotion other than the numbness that’s constantly drowning him. Never has he kept to himself more than now. Does she notice? Can she tell her son is slowly fading away? (He can hardly tell himself).

 

He opens the fridge and grabs a water bottle, taking a swig of it before looking at the time. It’s 7:30 now. He needs to be in homeroom by 8am sharp. One thing his school is big on is attendance, only allowing students to be late a few times before handing out detentions. Needless to say, every year Donghyuck has taken arriving on time very seriously.

 

He considers being late today.

 

For some reason, the very thought of seeing his three friends(?) again is making his heart race and his hands shake. Would they be mad at him for ignoring them? Would they demand an explanation? Would they act like everything is normal? All these possibilities have his head spinning.

 

Donghyuck sighs and drags his feet as he makes his way to his room to get his school bag, something he hasn’t touched in months. It’s a 20 minute walk to school, so if he doesn’t leave now he definitely won’t get there in time.

 

He puts in his earphones and drowning out the walk to school with some EXO playlist on shuffle.

 

The atmosphere of his school has always been really calming to Donghyuck. Walking through the front doors almost brings a smile to his face. Of course he’s keeping an eye out for his friends, but he continues listening to music while walking through the hallways. He doesn’t stop by his locker, not needing to put anything in it or get anything for the first day, so he makes his way to his homeroom. The homeroom he shares with his friends. His hands are shaking again, but he ignores it, swallowing down the nausea.

 

He keeps his head down and beelines straight to his usual seat. Trying not to make it obvious, he looks around for his friends, and can’t help the sigh of relief that escapes him when he notices none of them are there yet. Turning his music louder, he folds his arms onto his desk and puts his head down. Anyone who looked at him would say his position screams _don’t talk to me_.

 

Renjun, Jaemin, and Jeno don’t get the hint.

 

Donghyuck knew they’d arrive together. From the tiniest bit of social media he’d seen that summer, he noticed they had become a lot closer. A part of Donghyuck is bitter at how easily they left him behind, but he can’t deny how happy they seemed. The decision to keep his distance was proved a good one in his mind.

 

He’s listening to the blessed vocals in _El Dorado_ when he feels a hand on his back. He flinches, of course. He fucking hates how easy it is for him to flinch these days.

 

Pulling out one of his earphones, he finds himself looking up into the eyes of Jeno, who still has his hand on Donghyuck’s back. He doesn’t appear much different since the last time they saw each other. Maybe Jeno’s a little more tan, but his hair looks freshly cut and he’s wearing that classic eye smile.

 

“Hey, Hyuck!” Jeno says, but it’s not the usual tone they’d use with each other. It’s too polite. _Huh,_ Donghyuck thinks, _so they have noticed I was ignoring them._

 

“Hey, Jeno!” Donghyuck replies, with a soft smile that’s meant to convey _I’m not mad at you please don’t think I’m mad at you_. Movement behind Jeno catches Donghyuck’s eye and he sees Jaemin and Renjun standing there as well, quietly talking to each other.

 

“Hey guys, how’ve you been?” He directs the question towards the two, hoping they can all have a normal conversation and Donghyuck can finally stop stressing over this. As long as no one brings up _that night_ he’ll be fine.

 

“How’ve we _been_?!” Renjun starts, and it makes Donghyuck’s heart race for a second, knowing he’s about to get called out.

 

“We literally haven’t talked in months and the first thing you ask is ‘how’ve you been’ like we’re your weird Aunts that you only see during the holidays? I wanna know what the fuck you’ve been up to that’s made texting us back so impossible!” Renjun says this with a hint of a smile on his face, so at least he’s not _actually_ mad at Donghyuck, but everything he said made a really good point.

 

Donghyuck pauses his music and takes his other earphone out, turning in his seat to face all three of them. They’re all looking at him so expectantly it’s making him feel like he’s center stage of a one man show. He takes a deep breath.

 

“I got a job! I was working at Starbucks literally full time, I barely had enough time to do chores for my mom.” At the mention of his mom, he watches sympathy flash in Jeno and Renun’s eyes. He recalls sharing the hardships of living with his single mom to those two a couple years ago when the divorce was still fresh. Jaemin wasn’t really their friend back then.

 

“So you couldn’t take one second to respond? You broke our snapchat streak!” Jaemin nearly shouts. “I literally thought you died at one point until I saw you liking idols’ pictures on instagram.” His voice gets softer as he frowns. “We made so many summer plans together, Hyuck. If you didn’t want to hang out with us you could have just told us.”

 

Jaemin sounded genuinely hurt, and that’s when Donghyuck realized how badly he fucked up.

 

“It’s not that I didn’t want to hang out with you guys, I really was busy! I’m sorry it seemed that way. I- I honestly didn’t think you guys would miss me that much.”

 

Donghyuck bows his head slightly, trying to show how sorry he actually is. He feels like he’s being scolded by an adult rather than his best friend.

 

“Why wouldn’t we miss you?” Jaemin asks, a confused look on his face. “We’re friends, Hyuck. The friend group isn’t the same when it’s just us three. There’s no one to balance out how lame they are.” He says with a fond smile directed at Jeno and Renjun.

 

Jeno rolls his eyes while Renjun pushes Jaemin’s shoulder with a soft _shut up, dick_ and maybe things haven’t really changed all that much.

 

“Do you wanna come over after school?” Jeno asks. ”We’re all gonna hang out, and you should join us this time.” It almost sounds like he’s trying to coax an animal out of its cage. Donghyuck wonders just how much Jeno knows.

 

Their homeroom teacher starts getting the students’ attention, so he nods at Jeno with another small smile and turns to face the front. _Everything’s cool between us now._ He feels a weight lifted off his shoulders and his hands are steady for the first time that day.

 

Renjun sits beside him while Jeno sits behind Donghyuck, next to Jaemin. Just like they do every year.

 

He catches Renjun giving Jeno a look. It’s a look that makes Donghyuck feel like he missed something. Something important. No one says anything though, so he goes back to pretending like everything’s cool.

 

Donghyuck’s schedule for senior year goes like this:

 

He has math first period, _gross_ , which he shares with Jeno so he supposes it’ll be okay.

 

Second period is Photography III while Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun all go to Public Speaking. He definitely didn’t draw the short stick there.

 

His third period is AP Gov because history has always been Donghyuck’s strongest subject, as well as Renjun’s, so they gladly get to share that class together.

 

Their fourth period is Physics, which leads right into lunch, which then leads into Gym.

 

SIxth period they all part ways to go to separate Language Arts classes.

 

Their last and final period of the day is a study hall, which means they can just leave because they’re seniors. It’s probably the best class schedule Donghyuck has ever gotten in his whole high school career.

 

The bell rings to signal the end of homeroom, and everyone shuffles out into the hallway. Donghyuck and Jeno head to their first period after parting from Jaemin and Renjun. He notices Jeno looks a little sad from leaving their two friends and feels the tiniest bit offended.

 

_Of course he doesn’t want to be alone with just me. I’m not nearly as fun as those two._

 

They get assigned seats which puts Donghyuck and Jeno next to each other, probably because of their last names. Jeno high fives him with a _thank god she didn’t use a random generator, remind me to buy her an apple or something_ and Donghyuck genuinely laughs for the first time that day.

 

After getting their syllabi and listening to the teacher drone on about how many tests they’ll be given this year, first period ends and Donghyuck find himself walking to his photography class alone.

 

Photography has always been a main hobby for Donghyuck. Ever since he was little and first discovered what a camera was, he’d been taking pictures.

 

At first, he was just fascinated with the idea of capturing a moment in time permanently. He would take pictures of anything and everything. There was something special about immortalizing the ambience of a moment.

 

It made him happy. Genuinely happy.

 

After taking the first two levels of photography his school had to offer (which is a joke, by the way, because the teacher has probably never taken a picture in her life and all the students take the course just to get easy credits) he feels he has somewhat of a unique approach to photography.

 

He goes into his Photography III class with the lowest of expectations. Bullshit teacher, bullshit classmates, and bullshit assignments. At least he’ll be doing something he enjoys.

 

Walking in, he recognizes no one. There are maybe a couple students he’s met before in passing, but no one worth sitting next to, so he takes the back corner and plays a game on his phone until the class begins.

 

He’s about to break his record in _Rider_ when someone sits down next to him and kills him instantly.

 

Letting out a soft “Fuck.” he drops his phone on the desk and puts his head in his hands. _Really, universe? You couldn’t even let me win a fucking game? Are you trying to take away_ all _of my hopes and dreams?_

 

He hears the guy next to him snicker, which isn’t unexpected. Donghyuck knows how dramatic he gets and how funny it probably looks to outsiders. He lifts his head to give the guy who _fucking killed him, god damnit_ a piece of his mind when seagull shaped eyebrows leave his breath caught in his throat.

 

Holy shit. “Holy shit.”

 

Donghyuck doesn’t even care that he just said that out loud. He honestly never thought he’d see The Cute Guy He Hit With A Door That One Time ever again.

 

He watches the recognition make its way into Cute Guy’s eyes and they widen, becoming impossibly big on his face. It’s cute.  

 

“Aren’t you the guy who knocked me onto my ass outside a Starbucks once?” Cute Guy asks with a disbelieving pitch in his voice.

 

“Aren’t you the guy who called me an angel outside a Starbucks once?” Donghyuck fires back, suddenly feeling defensive. He already apologized to the guy after the incident, he has no right to make Donghyuck feel guilty again.

 

Cute Guy seems to be rendered speechless, he obviously was not expecting Donghyuck to say _that_ if the blush rising on his cheeks means anything.

 

 _Fuck I forgot how cute he actually was_. Donghyuck makes it his personal goal to keep seeing that blush.

 

“I- I tried to go back. Like, once a week I would stop by that Starbucks looking for you but I never saw you. Didn’t you say you worked there?” Cute Guy says this while looking at his hands, his desk, literally anywhere other than Donghyuck’s eyes. His lips are curved into a subtle pout. _So fucking cute._

 

“I only work mornings. Well, I only _worked_ mornings. Obviously my schedule changed with school and all, but yeah. Unless you were there between 5am and 1:30pm that’s probably why you never saw me.” Donghyuck tells him slowly, trying to process the fact that Cute Guy was looking for him.

 

A billion questions of _what how why_ are flying through his mind.

 

Cute Guy makes a small noise of understanding, a little frown on his face.

 

Donghyuck continues, “Did you ever try to ask for me? I’m sure one of my coworkers could have told you that and saved your wallet some trouble.”

 

“No, actually.” Cute Guy brings his hand to rub sheepishly at his neck. Donghyuck’s eyes follow the movement and it’s just _so endearing._

 

“I don’t know your name and was too embarrassed to try to describe you.” He laughs in an almost self deprecating way.

 

“Well, I’m sure if you just asked for the angel everyone would have known who you were talking about.” Donghyuck says teasingly, and mentally cheers when Cute Guy’s face flares up with another blush.

 

“Ugh, will you please drop that? This is so embarrassing!” Cute Guy brings his hands up to cover his face as if Donghyuck hadn’t already been aware of the blushing. Donghyuck can’t help the laughter that bubbles out of him. This is too easy.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I really am! For hitting you with a door and for teasing you. I’m sure there’s only so much you can take. Here,” He holds out his hand, “My name is Donghyuck. Nice to meet you.”

 

Cute Guy just laughs it off and shakes Donghyuck’s hand. “Hi, my name is Mark. Nice to meet you, Donghyuck.”

 

Mark. _Mark._ Why does that name seem to fit him perfectly? Why does Donghyuck’s name sound so perfect in Mark’s mouth? Donghyuck can’t help his own blush from appearing after their handshake.

 

The bullshit teacher arrives and starts “teaching”, but Donghyuck couldn’t pay attention if he tried. What are the odds of him and Mark being in the same class? He didn’t even know they went to the same school. He can’t help the no less than obvious glances towards Mark all throughout the period, but he loves the fact that he notices Mark doing the same thing.

 

They have a little bit of free time at the end of the class and end up talking a lot more. Donghyuck learns that Mark is actually a year older than him, but had to retake his senior year because he moved from Canada _how fucking cool_ and his credits didn’t transfer over properly. He also learns that Mark is super interested in music. Like super interested. He’s in the middle of telling Donghyuck his dream of making it as a rapper when the bell rings.

 

Mark asks Donghyuck for his phone number.

 

Donghyuck puts in his number under _Angel._

 

The rest of the day goes by pretty smoothly. Donghyuck, Renjun, Jaemin, and Jeno are successfully able to claim their lunch table for the fourth consecutive year.

 

Usually, Donghyuck would pack a lunch, because their cafeteria food went beyond the stereotype of gross. Renjun once dared Donghyuck to eat the _wednesday special_ in freshman year, and Donghyuck literally had to be sent home from projectile vomiting all over the hallway. Never again.

 

Donghyuck guesses the reason he forgot to pack a lunch today was because of how jumbled his mind was this morning. He doesn’t really care though. Hunger isn’t really something he feels anymore.

 

He makes it halfway through lunch before someone notices. Renjun, observant as ever, calls him out, which makes Jaemin and Jeno pause their argument over what topics to do for their public speaking assignment.

 

“Hyuck-ah, where’s your food?” Renjun asks with a bit curiosity on his face.

 

“Oh, I forgot to pack something this morning, but it’s okay because I had a big breakfast.” The lie slips out so fast, he didn’t even realize he said it until Renjun just nods his head and turns back to watch the argument. _What the fuck where did that lie come from why did I even lie there was no point_ is all that’s going through Donghyuck’s head for the rest of lunch. He’s reminded of how much he’s changed.

 

They all walk to their gym class, thankfully not having to get changed because it’s the first day. The four of them are among the first to arrive, so they take a seat at the top of the bleachers and fuck around until class starts.

 

“Alright,” Coach says, standing at the bottom of the bleachers, “everyone listen up. N-”

 

Their gym coach gets cut off as the gym doors open, loudly echoing throughout the walls of the gymnasium, and in walks a student.

 

Not just any student, Donghyuck realizes after a moment. It’s Mark.

 

“Uh, I’m so sorry for being late. I uh- got lost.. I’m kinda new…” Mark trails off, looking embarrassed. A look Donghyuck has seen on him too many times already.

 

“Yo, who’s the new kid? He’s kinda hot.” Renjun whispers from next to him, and he hears Jeno make a noise of agreement.

 

“Lee Minhyung?” Coach asks Mark. Even though he’s still standing at the doors, Donghyuck can make out a micro expression of disgust pass over Mark’s face at the name.

 

“I would, uh, prefer if you’d call me Mark.”

 

Coach makes a face of disapproval but nods anyway. “Sure, Mark. Go take a seat on the bleachers so we can finally get this started.”

 

As Mark walks up the bleachers, his eyes meet Donghyuck’s and immediately light up. He makes his way to sit next to Donghyuck and plops down with a whispered “Fucking hell that was pretty embarrassing.”

 

“More embarrassing than being knocked on your ass at Starbucks?” Donghyuck can’t help himself.

 

“I literally told you to stop!” Mark softly laughs as he playfully shoves Donghyuck.

 

“Um.” They hear from their right, and Donghyuck looks over to see his three friends watching them with confusion written all over their faces.

 

“Oh, right. Mark, this is Jeno, Renjun, and Jaemin. They’re my best friends. Guys, this is Mark. He thinks I’m an angel.” Donghyuck can’t contain the smile that breaks out after he finishes introducing them.

 

Mark whines and hides his blushed face in his hands again and Donghyuck has honestly never loved seeing anything more.

 

After gym, the five of them go their separate ways. Renjun, Jaemin, Jeno, and Donghyuck part with the promise to meet up at Jeno’s car after the next period. An hour later, they pile into his car and head to Jeno’s house.

 

Hanging out with his friends again is nice, but there are little awkward pauses that remind everyone of how long Donghyuck ghosted them. After what seems like the longest car ride of his life, they finally arrive at Jeno’s house.

 

“B- Dude, do you still have that Cookies ‘N Cream ice cream that we had a couple days ago? That shit was bomb!” Renjun says as he’s getting out of the car. When Jeno affirms, he yells a “Sweet!” and runs into the house.

 

Donghyuck watches as Jaemin’s eyes follow Renjun with the most disgustingly fond look. _Nothing’s changed._

 

Donghyuck finds himself on the couch, with Renjun beside him eating straight out of the ice cream tub.

 

The four of them talk. They talk about everything and nothing. They talk about school and their childhoods and crazy memories together. By the time they’re done talking, it feels like that summer never happened.

 

Donghyuck’s smiling and laughing again. He’s genuinely enjoying himself. As he looks around to his three friends, he thinks _I never want to leave them again._

 

As long as they don’t leave him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are good days and there are bad days.

There are good days and there are bad days.

 

There are days when Donghyuck can make it most of the day without being reminded of what happened to him, things as close to normal as they can get. He counts those as good.

 

Then there are bad days. The days when he wakes up numbed and desolate. The days when he’s always gravitating just outside his body, never quite there, flinching at everything, wishing he could just lay in bed and not exist.

 

Today is a bad day.

 

It’s not like he can control them. If it were up to him, everyday would be a good day.

 

(If it were up to him, that summer never would have happened).

 

“Hey, Hyuck, you there? I literally just told you the most important thing ever and you’re not even listening to me. The audacity!” Donghyuck is snapped back into reality as Renjun’s dramatics draw his attention. They’re sitting in homeroom waiting for school to start. Jeno and Jaemin have yet to arrive.

 

He had three nightmares last night, because obviously one isn’t enough. Exhaustion gnawed at his body as soon as his alarm went off. He’s not usually the type of person to hit snooze, but he snoozed all the way up until he had literally two minutes to get out the door.

 

Needless to say, he’s still not exactly awake yet.

 

“I’m sorry Injunnie, what were you saying?” Donghyuck asks, blinking a few times as if to clear his head.

 

Renjun makes a face that says _are you kidding me_ and then throws his hands up. “I’m fucking lactose intolerant! When did that happen?”

 

Donghyuck blinks some more, unsure if he’s hearing this correctly.

 

“You think discovering that you’re lactose intolerant is the most important thing ever and needed my attention before eight a.m. on a _Monday_?”

 

A noise comes out of Renun’s mouth that sounds something close to _duh_ and Donghyuck rolls his eyes.

 

“That’s what you get for eating all of Jeno’s ice cream last week. Talk about audacity.”

 

“He actually bought that ice cream just for me, so you can kindly fuck off.”

 

“Why would Jeno spend his own money to buy you ice cream and keep it in his freezer?” He knows his friends are weird, but that’s, like, extra weird.

 

Renjun starts fiddling with the sleeve of his flannel and mumbles something in chinese, which is something he likes to do around his friends because they never know what he’s saying. For all Donghyuck knows, Renjun could have just put a curse on him. He honestly wouldn’t doubt it.

 

Donghyuck yawns and considers the conversation over, so he puts his head down and tries to think of good things. _The playground of my childhood. My mother’s cooking. Sunset orange. The smell of a bookstore. Mark’s smile. Mark’s laugh. Mark’s face when he blushes. Mark._

 

Donghyuck opens his eyes. _Wow I really got carried away there._  

 

Sure, Mark is cute and all, but they’re just getting to know each other. There’s no reason he should already be this infatuated by him. He’s just a cute boy.

 

Donghyuck didn’t want to admit this to himself, but he knows relationships are basically off the table for now. He can’t even think about dating someone until he gets himself under control. The thought of someone wanting to touch Donghyuck like that again makes his palms sweat and his head dizzy. He shivers, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down to make sweater paws.

 

A particularly loud laugh makes Donghyuck raise his head once again to see that Jeno and Jaemin showed up a whole five minutes before homeroom starts. They’re early today, usually coming in 30 seconds before the bell rings.

 

He wouldn’t say things between him and Jaemin are awkward, but there’s definitely some tension between them. He’s pretty sure it’s because they’re both dancing around discussing what happened that night. Jeno and Renjun usually pick up on it and are able to lighten the mood, but it’s exhausting for Donghyuck to deal with. He wishes they could just talk about it once and be done with it.

 

“Oh my god, you look like a whole zombie.” Jeno says, laughing at Donghyuck’s state. “Jaeminnie, when did we enter the world of the walking dead?”

 

Donghyuck just rolls his eyes and puts his head back down. He couldn’t give two fucks about his appearance right now. It was hard enough for him to even come to school today.

 

The bell rings, signalling the beginning of homeroom, but Donghyuck doesn’t care. He keeps his head down, not wanting to watch the stupid announcements made by amature students.

 

By the time homeroom is over, Donghyuck is in a light sleep. The bell doesn’t stir him, so Renjun takes it upon himself to wake him up.

 

Renjun pulls Donghyuck’s arm out from supporting his head and tugs it towards him, thinking he could just drag him out of the chair. It doesn’t work like that. Not for Donghyuck.

 

Immediately, Donghyuck’s body reacts for him, pulling his arm back and scooting his chair backwards with a small yelp. All he can think is _minjunminjunminjun_ and his breathing quickens. Completely terrified, he curls in on himself, eyes wide and fearful, searching for his attacker.

 

Not his attacker. Renjun.

 

Renjun, who is standing there in shock, not expecting his friend to react that way.

 

Jeno and Jaemin are right behind him, mirroring his reaction.

 

They all stare at each other for a long 10 seconds while Donghyuck processes where he is.

 

“Donghyuck,” Jeno starts, and it makes tears spring up in Donghyuck’s eyes, “are you okay?”

 

That’s the million dollar question.

 

Donghyuck looks down and takes a deep breath. He’s so tired of this bullshit. He misses the way life used to be.

 

“No.”

 

All three of them look like they’re about to start pressing for more answers, but Donghyuck isn’t in the mood. He wordlessly gets up and walks out of the room.

 

As soon as he’s out of their presence, he feels himself tearing up again. His face is contorting into that ugly crying face he has and he keeps his eyes locked on the ground to avoid eye contact with his peers.

 

With blurry vision, he stumbles out to the courtyard and onto a bench facing the garden.

 

The garden is teeming with flowers, tall and short, a smear of multicolored petals. They’re all in full bloom even though it’s the beginning of fall.

 

Donghyuck doesn’t know much about nature, but in that moment he wonders if these flowers enjoy their lives here in this courtyard of a high school.

 

The bell rings from inside the school signaling the beginning of first period. He assumes his friends just went to class in fear of being marked absent. Why risk detention for Donghyuck?

 

Sighing, he relaxes into the bench a little bit and tries to get himself together. The sunlight feels amazing on his skin. He hadn't realized how much time he’s spent indoors until this moment. The fresh air flowing through his lungs does wonders to clear his mind.

 

It’s pretty fucking simple, isn’t it?

 

He needs help.

 

He needs help in the form of friends, family, people who are willing to be there for Donghyuck when he gets like this.

 

 _I don’t want to do this alone anymore._  

 

A new wave of hot salty tears fall from his eyes, and his chest cracks open as the damn breaks. He needs to tell Jaemin how he feels about that night. He needs to look Renjun in the eyes and ask for help. He needs Jeno to tell him everything will be alright. He needs his mom to hug him, to promise she’ll be there for him. He needs _love_.

 

He can’t control the sob that rips from deep in his chest. Admitting all of this to himself is making him realize how dumb he’s been. He spent the whole summer suffering in silence when he could have just been honest with his friends. _Maybe I’d be in a better place right now if I would have just fucking said something, anything._ He cries harder at the thought.

 

The loud clanking sound of the courtyard door falling shut interrupts his sobs. Donghyuck jumps at the noise and whips around to see who the hell just walked in on him during this super inconvenient moment. His eyesight is still blurry with tears but there’s a familiar figure walking towards him that’s a little too tall and lanky to be one of his friends.

 

“Donghyuck?”

 

 _Oh. Oh no._ Donghyuck sniffles and immediately ducks his head to wipe his face clean of wetness.

 

_Mark fucking Lee just found me while I’m having a mental breakdown._

 

This is the most embarrassing day of his life.

 

Donghyuck doesn’t respond to him, just continues looking down at his hands while sniffling. Maybe Mark will go away if he doesn’t say anything. Maybe it’ll be no big deal. Maybe the men in black will stop him and erase his memory.

 

“Donghyuck.”

 

The fact that it wasn’t a question makes him look up. When Donghyuck meets Mark’s eyes, Mark sees everything. The vulnerability, the pain, the loneliness, all of it is visible through that one look. Donghyuck watches Mark’s expression turn to one of sympathy, and before he knows it Mark is sitting down next to him and hugging him.

 

Naturally, Donghyuck freezes. He doesn’t know what to do in this situation. Why is Mark hugging him? Why isn’t he pressing for answers? Why didn’t he leave?

 

Mark squeezes him a bit tighter after realizing Donghyuck isn’t relaxing his stiff posture. That small squeeze is enough to knock Donghyuck out of his small shock and fully accept the hug. He grabs him back, harder, and stuffs his face into the nape of Mark’s neck. More tears fall and he’s sure Mark can feel them, but it’s been so long since someone has hugged him that he can’t bring himself to care.

 

A gentle hand runs up and down his back while the other softly scratches the back of his head. It’s just so _nice_ and _caring_ that Donghyuck can’t help but tighten his hold and wish it would never end. It was warm and secure, and so so _needed_. This feeling of safety is one he hasn’t felt in what seems like forever.

 

They pull apart after a while, but keep their close distance. Donghyuck, who can’t meet Mark’s eye again, keeps his eyes down on his lap. Mark on the other hand is scanning Donghyuck’s face, trying to figure out what’s wrong.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Donghyuck shakes his head, still not looking up. He can't tell Mark about this. Not right now.

 

“Do you want to go somewhere?”

 

This has Donghyuck lifting his head with questioning eyes. Mark takes that as a yes.

 

He stands and reaches out a hand, hoping Donghyuck will get the message. Donghyuck stares at his hand for a moment, wondering what he’s about to get himself into, but decides anything would be okay as long as it’s with Mark. He takes his hand and lets himself be led.

  
  


“Do you like coffee?”

 

They’re in Mark’s car now. The thrill of leaving school grounds during class has played a role in snapping Donghyuck out of his post-breakdown haze, though he still hasn’t said anything. When Mark looks over, Donghyuck nods in answer of his question.

 

He’s curled up in the passenger seat with his head resting against the window for support. He was already tired to begin with. Crying seems to have drained whatever energy he had left. He feels utterly defeated.

 

They drive in silence. When Mark had started his car the radio was already switched on, but he immediately turned it off without question. It’s quiet but comfortable as they drive down different back roads. Donghyuck has no idea where they’re going but he doesn’t mind. The scenery is nice to look at. The farther they get from the school the simpler his problems feel.

 

After about ten minutes, Mark swiftly pulls over and parks in front of what appears to be a small coffee shop. That explains his question earlier. Donghyuck slowly gets out of the car, waiting for Mark to walk around before following him inside the shop.

 

The café is empty and there’s only one middle aged woman behind the counter who greets them with a smile. Donghyuck tries to smile back but he’s willing to bet it came across as more of a grimace. Mark leads him over to a table in the front corner of the café, right next to the window. The sunlight filters through the blinds, making the seats warms and comforting.

 

“I’ll go order for us.” Mark doesn’t even wait for Donghyuck to respond before he’s on his way to the register. Donghyuck’s eyes follow him before sighing and relaxing into the seat. There’s some indie song playing softly throughout the shop and he recognizes the voice but can’t think of the name. Movement out the window catches his attention and he watches as people pass by on the street. He suddenly wishes he had his camera on him.

 

An iced americano is placed in front of him and he’s brought back to the present. Mark sits down across from him, sipping his own iced americano.

 

“You said you liked coffee, so I figured you wouldn’t mind black.”

 

Donghyuck tilts his head. “You seem to forget I work at Starbucks. Of course I like black.”

 

Mark doesn’t even attempt to hide his surprise after hearing Donghyuck speak for the first time today.  He opens his mouth like he wants to say something more, but Donghyuck is quick to look down, unable to shield his embarrassment. The more he thinks about it the more humiliating this situation gets.

 

“I wanna-”

 

“I’m sorry-”

 

They both try speak at the same time, stopping when they hear the other. Mark laughs a little and signals Donghyuck to talk first, but Donghyuck just shakes his head, wanting to hear what Mark has to say.

 

Mark clears his throat and tries again. “I wanted to ask you one more time if you would like to talk about what made you cry. I get we’re not that close, but maybe I could help? Or I could just listen, sometimes it’s nice to just talk and have someone listen. I could be good at that.”

 

Donghyuck inhales shakily, not fully believing Mark Lee is sitting here asking to help him. For a split second, he actually considers telling him everything. Telling him about that night, about how he feels, about what he’s done, but it’s too hard. He’s never talked about this with someone before. The first time he tries can’t be in public, and he’s not even sure he wants to tell Mark of all people. What would he think?

 

“I really don’t want to talk about it now. Maybe I’ll tell you another time. I’m sorry for all of this, I’m just having a really bad day, you didn’t need to leave school for me. I don’t want you getting a detention.” Donghyuck says, feeling guilty as _fuck_. He’s really not worth all of this.

 

Mark looks offended. “Are you kidding me? Of course I left school for you! You were crying alone in the courtyard. I couldn’t leave you alone, but I didn’t want a teacher to find us. Detention is the least of my worries. I just want you to be okay.” There’s so much sincerity in his eyes, Donghyuck has to look away once again.

 

“Thank you, Mark. It was _so_ nice of you to do this, I really feel like I owe you now.” He laughs, self deprecating. “I’m kinda going through something a little personal, but I think I’ll be alright soon. I would really just like to forget how you found me. That was highkey mortifying.” The condensation on the outside of his cup takes his attention, running his fingers through the water. He doesn’t know why it’s so hard to meet Mark’s eyes while talking about this. He just hopes he understands.

 

“Hey, have I ever told you about Canada?”

 

Mark then launches into a fully detailed story about life in a foreign country. Donghyuck’s thankful for the distraction and finds himself actually interested in what Mark is saying. They talk for hours, Mark mostly speaking about his friends, family, and cultural differences, while Donghyuck throws in his own comments and asks questions when appropriate.

 

It’s perfect, the way their conversation flows. At one point they pause to order sandwiches, but their caffeinated personalities are able to keep talking about anything. They both forget the real reason why they’re in a café and not at school. For a while it just feels like two people bonding and getting to know one another. It’s simple. Far away from the real world.

 

Empty plates and cups placed to the side, long forgotten, Mark checks the time and makes an alarmed sound. “Oh my god, it’s nearly three o’clock! Dude, I need to get home.” He stands and starts cleaning their table and Donghyuck looks around confused. Did they actually spend the whole day together?

 

Donghyuck helps clean up as well, waving bye to a now different lady behind the counter as they walk out. Getting into Mark’s car now has a completely different vibe than it had this morning. This time, Mark turns on the radio and cracks the windows, creating a casual atmosphere. “What’s your address? I’ll drop you off.”

 

Donghyuck’s about to respond before he stops. These past hours with Mark were exactly what he needed. It’s how life felt before that night. He knows if he doesn’t do something now, it might be awhile before he can feel that again. “Actually, do you mind dropping me off somewhere else?”

  
  


Getting out of the car, he bids farewell to Mark with the promise to text him later about a netflix show he recommended. He gets his backpack from the backseat and turns toward the house in front of him. Anxiety is starting to claw at his stomach but he can’t back down now.

 

Nervously, he walks up to the front door and knocks. It’s now or never.

 

Jeno answers the door. Jaemin and Renjun are behind him.

 

“Hey guys. Can I come in?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gasps


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn’t feel ready anymore. All of his confidence flew out the window as soon as he opened his mouth and nothing came out.
> 
>  
> 
> So now they’re sitting in silence. Looking at him. Waiting.
> 
>  
> 
> It’s comical.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This update came pretty fast since I already knew how I wanted this chapter to go. Hope you enjoy :)

Silence.

 

The four of them sit in silence.

 

It’s almost comical, actually. Renjun, Jaemin, and Jeno are sitting on the couch together facing a single chair. The chair Donghyuck is sitting in.

 

All three of them are looking at him. Waiting.

 

Donghyuck’s frozen.

 

It was easy in theory. Walk into Jeno’s house, sit them down, and just tell them everything that’s been happening. He thought he could do it. But, as soon as he sat down and looked them in the eyes, it’s like stage fright overtook him.

 

He knows they’re waiting for something. The way they’re looking at him confirms everything Donghyuck suspected. They know something’s been up with him, and they waited for him to come to them first.

 

He doesn’t feel ready anymore. All of his confidence flew out the window as soon as he opened his mouth and nothing came out.

 

So now they’re sitting in silence. Looking at him. Waiting.

 

It’s comical.

 

“Donghyuck.” _Oh god, why did Jeno just use my full name?_ “You don’t have to tell us if you’re not ready.” Wow, was he really that obvious?

 

Donghyuck squeezes his eyes closed. “No, guys, I need to tell you why I flaked all summer. I’m tired of beating around the bush. I miss the way our friendship used to be.” He opens his eyes and meets Jaemin’s. “I know you feel it too. We all do. It’s exhausting and not fair and,” he lets out a deep exhale, “I’m ready to talk.”

 

“Okay,” Renjun responds, a challenging look in his eyes, “then talk.”

 

Donghyuck audibly gulps.

 

He opens his mouth. _Here goes nothing_. “I need help.”

 

 _Fuck_ that was hard to say.

 

Jaemin and Jeno have the decency to look concerned, while Renjun just looks confused. “Help? With what?”

 

Jaemin hits Renjun’s chest with the back of his hand as if to shut him up. “Don’t be rude, I think he meant professional help.” He then looks to Donghyuck to see if he’s correct.

 

“I-I mean, no, not really, I wouldn’t say that just yet-”

 

“Wait stop.” Jeno interrupts him and the room falls silent once again. “Hyuck if you need help, we’re here for you. With anything. You can talk to us.” He says, with a warm, reassuring smile.

 

“I know. I mean, that’s what I thought. I don’t know why I didn’t come to you guys before, after everything happened. I guess I was just scared and shocked and probably didn’t process things correctly and it all snowballed out of control and-”

 

“Donghyuck what are you talking about?” He gets interrupted again, this time by Jaemin. Donghyuck didn’t even realize his nervous habit of rambling had taken over. He feels himself beginning to tremble.

 

“I’ve never said it out loud before.” Donghyuck whispers.

 

“Go on,” Jaemin says, “I promise we’ll still be here after you say it.”

 

_That was such a Jaemin thing to say._

 

“Okay, um, I,” He pauses, looking up when he feels wetness beginning to pool in his eyes, “I was, uh. I-” His nerves are starting to get the best of him. With shaking hands and an erratic heartbeat, he feels like he’s dying. He’s probably dying. “Oh my god, I’m sorry.” He says quickly, and puts his head in his hands while he tries to stabilize his breathing.

 

Donghyuck’s never felt more pathetic than in this moment. _It’s not even a big deal. After I tell them, they’re probably gonna think I’m overreacting._ _It’s not even a big deal._ It’s not even a big deal.

 

He quickly sits up and breathes in. “I was raped.”

 

It’s weird. He didn’t know how he would feel after he spoke it into existence. He always thought maybe if he ignored it, it would go away. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he always hoped history would change itself and he suddenly wouldn’t be a victim anymore. It’s the most irrational and unrealistic thing he’s ever hoped for, but it’s what kept him going. Now, that’s all changed, because he said it.

 

“Holy shit.” Donghyuck looks over to see Renjun looking at him with the saddest expression he’s ever seen on his face. “Is it what I think? Donghyuck, I am so sorry.”

 

Renjun looks like he’s close to tears, but Donghyuck’s a little confused. “Wait, what do you mean? Why are you apologizing?”

 

Jaemin speaks up, “Hyuck-ah, when did it happen?”

 

And here’s where he disappoints his friends. “You know that party we went to? In the very beginning of summer? And how afterwards… we went… to-”

 

“Fuck. I was right. I knew it.” Renjun almost sounds mad. “That morning after, when you cried in my arms, it was because of that night, right? Fuck.”

 

Jaemin catches on. “Oh, I remember that now. It was kind of scary seeing you like that, Hyuck.”

 

Donghyuck laughs bitterly. “Yeah, it was kind of scary going through that, Jaemin.” He doesn’t know why, but it comes out accusatory.

 

Jaemin stills. “Are you mad at me? Because of that night?” He asks, sounding confused and offended. Donghyuck stays silent. “Is that why you ignored us all summer? Do you blame _me_ for what happened to you?!” The volume of his voice rises as he speaks. This is what Donghyuck was afraid of.

 

“N-No. Of course I don’t blame you. I just-”

 

“You just need it to be someone else’s fault other than your own.” Jaemin’s words hit him like ice.

 

Ouch.

 

Donghyuck looks down, not knowing how to handle the pain that just shot through his body after hearing his best friend say that.

 

“Jaemin, I can’t believe you. How dare you make him feel like it was his fault!” Renjun stands up as he yells at the boy next to him. “That night was a weird night for everyone.” His eyes flit to Jeno for a split second before they’re back on Jaemin. “We were all under the influence of weed _and_ alcohol. I wasn’t in that room, but I know for a fact if Donghyuck says he didn’t want it, then he didn’t want it.”

 

“Exactly! You weren’t in the room, I was. He was right next to me the whole time! Not once did he say he didn’t want it.”

 

Donghyuck furrows his eyebrows as he thinks about what Jaemin just said. _I did say no to those guys, didn’t I?_ _I tried to push them off, right?_ Doubt starts swirling through his mind. That night seems so long ago now, he can’t remember everything clearly. He’s shaking again at the thought of being wrong about these important aspects of that night.

 

Jeno finally says something for the first time since Donghyuck told them. “Jaeminnie, Injunnie, stop. Donghyuck needs us to be there for him and you guys are fighting like children. Renjun, sit down. Jaemin, stop being inconsiderate. Can we continue talking about this like adults, please?”

 

The room falls silent once more. Renjun sits down with a small huff and a red face. He’s a couple inches farther from where he was next to Jaemin before. Jaemin looks just as mad, but chooses to keep his mouth shut.

 

It’s getting harder for Donghyuck to breathe. His mind is moving too fast now. His friends are mad, possibly at him, and it’s his fault for coming to them. _I knew this was gonna be a mess._

 

Donghyuck stands. “You know what, I’m actually gonna go. We can just forget this happened.” He hastily makes his way to the door, keeping his head down and avoiding eye contact with the other three in the room. A hand on his wrist stops him. He flinches as he turns around.

 

He sees understanding pass through Jeno’s eyes before he speaks. “Hyuck-ah, stop running. Talk to us.”

 

The words echo through his mind. _Stop running. Talk to us._ It hits him harder than it should.

 

That’s the last straw. Emotion explodes from Donghyuck’s body with a sob. He’s so exhausted of running, of not being understood, of holding everything in. He’s aware of how pathetic he probably looks, but he’ll worry about that later. For now, he finds comfort in the arms of Jeno as he holds him and lets him cry.

 

It’s the second time today he’s crying in someone’s arms. He hopes this doesn’t become a thing.

 

Jeno leads him back over to the couch as he continues to sob, seating Donghyuck down next to him. He keeps his eyes clenched shut, not wanting to see how Jaemin is probably looking at him with disgust.

 

The sheer embarrassment that washes over him makes him sniffle as he tries to get himself under control again. He’s wiping his face, but the tears keep falling. It’s no use.

 

Jaemin’s not going to understand him. It’s no use.

 

Donghyuck’s sitting on the edge of the couch, hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He presses the palms of his hands against his eyes, hoping to stop the flow of tears. He can feel them looking at him.

 

“I have nightmares.” Donghyuck hears someone inhale sharply. He thinks it’s Renjun. “I have nightmares about it almost every night. Sometimes, I’ll have more than one.” He feels a hand lay gently on his back. It’s Jeno’s way of offering support, but it just makes more tears come. “I’m scared to sleep, these days. I’m scared of so many things that I used to consider normal parts of my life.” He sniffles again. “I don’t want to be like this, guys. I _hate_ being like this.” There’s a hint of venom in his voice as he feels anger for what happened to him surge through him. _I don’t deserve this._

 

“I’m sorry.” Donghyuck’s head whips to look at Jaemin at the sounds of his voice, hopeful. “I’m sorry, but I don’t get it.” His heart drops.

 

“Jaemin, come on-” Renjun tries.

 

“No! He doesn’t talk to us for months and this is what he comes to us with? It literally doesn’t make sense.” Jaemin throws his hands up and looks at Donghyuck. “Why didn’t you tell us right after it happened?”

 

Donghyuck feels like a spotlight was just shone on him. “I-I already said, I was scared and in shock a-and-”

 

“And what? You realized being with all those guys in one night would make you sound like a slut, so you decided to call it rape?”

 

If Donghyuck thought he couldn’t breathe before, he’s definitely having trouble now.

 

“Jaemin stop!” This time it’s Jeno who stands to yell. “What the fuck is wrong with you! Are you even hearing yourself? You’re being so fucking ignorant!”

 

Jaemin rises as well to shout back. “I’m not being ignorant! I was just asking a question!”

 

“You accused him of lying! I think we can all tell by the way he’s reacting right now that he’s telling the truth.” Donghyuck bitterly laughs to himself when he hears Jeno say that. This is becoming too much. “Why is that so hard for you to comprehend, Jaemin? Why can’t your tiny, little brai-”

 

“Jeno!” Renjun stands too, getting into the argument and positioning himself between Jeno and Jaemin. “Don’t speak to Jaeminnie that way. We may not agree with what he’s saying but you don’t need to insult him. He’s our fucking boyfriend, treat him with respect.”

 

Wait, what?

 

“Injunnie, thanks for defending me, but you don’t need to. We all know that he favors you over me, anyway.” Jaemin says it to Renjun, but is directing all of his attitude towards Jeno.

 

Donghyuck’s lost. Since when were they dating?

 

“Jaemin, don’t bring that up.” Renjun warns.

 

“Oh wow! You really want to have that fight again?” Jeno’s looking pissed as hell. “How many times do I need to tell you? _I don’t favor any one of you over the other_.” He emphasizes every syllable, as if saying it to a child.

 

“Really? It’s pretty clear to me that you do!”

 

“Guys…” Donghyuck tires, but they keep yelling over him.

 

“Just because you were the last one in the relationship doesn’t mean we like you less!” Jeno yells.

 

Jaemin scoffs. “Yeah right. If it wasn’t for me forcing myself to be included, you would be dating without me!”

 

“GUYS!” Donghyuck yells, and everyone stops to look at him. Realization floods Renjun’s face, but the other two are too mad to stop glaring at each other. “I get that you’re having a lover’s spout, thanks for telling me by the way, but this is too much.” He stands and makes sure he has everything.

 

“Hyuck.” Jeno says, softly.

 

“I’m going to leave now. Don’t bother trying to talk to me anymore. I came here looking for support, but instead I got accused of lying and then found out you’re all dating.” Donghyuck shakes his head as if he’s trying to clear it. “Thanks for being my friends.” He says, sarcastically, and then walks towards the door.

 

“Hyuck, wait!” Renjun tries, but Donghyuck doesn’t turn around.

 

It’s raining outside, but that doesn’t stop Donghyuck. He shoves his hands in his pockets and keeps his head down as he begins his trek home.

 

He might be crying again, but it could also just be the rain on his cheeks. He’ll never know.

 

All he knows is that he just lost his three best friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol pls dnt h8 me


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He tries, he really does, but he can’t find a good enough reason to get out of bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is shorter than usual. I won't even explain the week I've had, but I also didn't want to add unnecessary fillers because I hate when people do that lolz.

Donghyuck doesn’t go to school the next day.

 

He tries, he really does, but he can’t find a good enough reason to get out of bed.

 

Hearing his mother get up and go to work stirs a longing feeling in his chest. They’ve been through so much together, and he loves her to death, but he can’t help but feel like he’d be a burden if she knew everything he’s been going through. Donghyuck knows she kept things from him during the divorce, things that would only hurt him if he knew. Now, the roles are reversed. He’s doing her a favor.

 

When she leaves the apartment, he lets out a sigh. There’s nothing for him to do today, other than wallow in his own self-pity. His life has gone so far downhill he didn’t really remember how to do anything else.

 

As a last resort to up his mood, he decides to watch netflix. Remembering Mark’s recommendation from yesterday, he throws on _The Office_ , hoping it’ll be as funny as he promised.

 

About three episodes later, it’s not as funny as he promised. Donghyuck’s getting sick of the bad acting and the american jokes he hardly finds funny.

 

A vibrating sound pulls his attention from his computer to his nightstand. Someone texted him.

 

A million different possibilities of who it could be runs through his mind in a second. _Renjun? Jeno? Jaemin?! It better not be fucking Jaemin._

 

Hesitantly, he checks his lockscreen. It’s from Mark. He unlocks his phone, suddenly feeling more alert.

 

_you’re not here today?_

 

Donghyuck guesses he’s in photography class right now. Mark probably noticed he wasn’t there. He smiles a bit at the thought of Mark looking for him.

 

_yeah i’m not feeling well so i stayed home haha_

 

Haha? Throwing his phone in embarrassment, Donghyuck rolls over in bed and stuffs his face into his pillow, letting out a high-pitched groan. He sounds like such a loser. Mark’s probably never going to talk to him ever again just because he added _haha_ at the end of his text. Fuck his life.

 

Not even a minute later, his phone vibrates again, from the end of his bed where he’d thrown it. Sitting up in disbelief, Donghyuck races to open the new text.

 

_oh no :( are you okay?_

 

Donghyuck’s heart skips a beat. Mark Lee uses emoticons? In this day and age? He can just imagine Mark actually pouting while saying those words. This is too much for his heart to handle.

 

_i’m good don’t worry :) thanks for asking!_

 

He regrets the text as soon as he sends it. _God, why do I sound like such a fucking idiot!_ He throws his phone again, this time harder, and it bounces off his bed and onto the floor. _Good. Stay there._

 

Feeling flustered, he tries to focus his attention back on netflix, but he can’t stop his mind from wandering. Mark was such a good friend to him yesterday, probably a better friend than Jaemin has ever been in his life. He wishes they met under normal circumstances, circumstances where Donghyuck wasn’t so fucked up. He probably would’ve asked him out by now.

 

A thought passes through his mind. He could totally date Mark. All he needs to do is get over _it_. But how?

 

Pausing netflix, he opens a new tab on his browser. He thinks for a second, before he types.

 

_Rape recovery_

 

He hits enter, and millions of results pop up. He sees a lot of hotlines and help centers, but that’s not what he wants. After scrolling a little more, he comes across a wikihow article. It makes him laugh. Could he really fix himself by reading a fucking wikihow article? He clicks.

 

_Method 1. Step 1: Take care of yourself._

 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. _Yeah, no shit I need to take care of myself. A bit easier said than done._ He scans the description, and it talks about getting enough sleep, food, and exercise. He hates to admit this, but he definitely could improve in those areas.

 

_Step 2: Re-establish a daily routine_

 

What the fuck? Donghyuck’s pretty sure whoever wrote this is bullshitting him. He scrolls through the other steps, barely glancing over them, and decides this is crap. _Return to things you love. Treat yourself. Practice mindful living. Be patient._ It almost makes him angry at how they seem to be disregarding how hard dealing with this actually is.

 

When he gets to _Method 2_ , he stops.

 

_Method 2. Step 1: Look for signs of PTSD._

 

PTSD? He reads the blurb, and apparently it stands for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Isn’t that the thing people who fight in wars get?

 

_After experiencing sexual violence, you are likely to feel anxiety, fear, or stress. However, if you are having severe episodes of these feelings, if these feelings interfere with your normal life, or if you experience them for more than a few weeks after the incident, you may be experiencing the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. There are three common symptoms to look out for:_

 

  * _Re-experiencing: If you feel like you are re-living the event, whether through unwanted thoughts, flashbacks, or dreams, you may have PTSD._


  * _Avoidance: If you keep away from things you used to enjoy, or if you alter your behavior or routine to avoid things you associate with the traumatic event, you may have PTSD._


  * _Hyper-arousal: If you feel edgy, nervous, easy to startle, prone to outbursts, or are having trouble sleeping or relaxing, you may have PTSD._



 

 

Donghyuck can’t breathe. Could he have PTSD? That sounds like a really fucking big deal.

 

  * _PTSD requires professional treatment. See a doctor or therapist as soon as you can._



 

 

A therapist? That would mean he’d have to tell his mom. No. He won’t. He can’t. The fear of being judged is far too strong. Who would believe him if his own friend didn’t? There’s no way of predicting anyone’s reaction.

 

Professional treatment? Maybe he could treat himself. He opens another tab.

 

_PTSD treatment_

 

Again, millions of results pop up, but the third link catches his attention. It’s a link to webmd with the title _6 common Treatments for PTSD._ This is crazy, Donghyuck thinks. Webmd? Doesn’t that website diagnose illnesses? Is PTSD an illness? He clicks.

 

 _People with PTSD can have_ _insomnia_ _, flashbacks, low self-esteem, and a lot of painful or unpleasant emotions. You might constantly relive the event -- or lose your memory of it altogether._

 

Low self-esteem? Is today Attack Donghyuck Day?

 

 _When you have PTSD, it might feel like you'll never get your life back. But it can be treated. Short- and long-term_ _psychotherapy_ _and_ _medications_ _can work very well. Often, the two kinds of treatment are more effective together._

 

Oh. Maybe Donghyuck should see a doctor.

 

_PTSD therapy has three main goals:_

  * _Improve your symptoms_


  * _Teach you skills to deal with it_


  * _Restore your self-esteem_



 

 

He can’t lie. Therapy sounds like his best option. The only thing stopping him is the fact that he’d have to tell his mom.

 

He knows this would crush his mother. She’s been so happy lately, for the first time since before the divorce. Who wants to hear their kid got raped by a bunch of guys while drunk and high?

 

Donghyuck takes a deep breath. There’s too much information bouncing around his head right now. Words like _trauma_ and _flashbacks_ and _nightmares_ are making his hands shake, and he decides that’s enough for today. He’ll just go back to ignoring it.

  


Somehow, he falls asleep with netflix still playing, and when he wakes up the sun is down. Confused and disoriented, Donghyuck looks around for his phone to check what time it is, only to remember he threw it on the ground earlier. _Good move._

 

Literally rolling out of bed, Donghyuck finds himself face-down next to his phone. Wincing at the brightness of his screen, he reads a large 8:42pm. _Holy shit I literally slept all day_. He has no idea how he managed to do that.

 

The mental exhaustion that’s been these past couple of days must have finally caught up to him, letting him sleep uninterrupted for hours on end. Some higher power seems to have cut him a break today. He’s not complaining at all.

 

Putting a hand on his knee, he lifts himself up to stretch out his stiff muscles from napping, only to dizzily fall back onto his bed. A head rush hit him out of nowhere, making it impossible for him to tell which way is up and which way is down. He lays there, letting the roaring in his ears fade until he’s finally back to his senses. _That’s new._

 

There’s a lingering tingling sensation in his limbs, but other than that he feels recovered. _I must be dehydrated from all that sleeping._ He warily stands back up and carefully makes his way into the kitchen to get some water.

 

His heartbeat feels really fast but his breathing is really shallow. _Is this another panic attack?_ It doesn’t feel like his usual symptoms. Hurrying his movements, he gets himself a glass of ice water and begins to drink it.

 

The cool, refreshing feeling helps him wake up a lot more, and he puts two and two together. He needs to eat something.

 

He’d wonder why his mom didn’t wake him for dinner, but he knows there’s some unspoken agreement that they both do their own thing these days. It started when Donghyuck began working that summer. Or, maybe it started when Donghyuck began avoiding her gaze. They both happened at the same time.

 

Donghyuck doesn’t _feel_ hungry, but he knows he needs to eat something with substance so he doesn’t actually keel over and die. _Would that be such a bad thing?_ He quickly shakes his head of his thoughts. Looking around, he spots a bowl of apples on the counter. Perfect. He grabs one and walks back into his room, glass in hand.

 

As he’s eating his apple, he checks online to see if he missed any homework assignments that are due tomorrow. All he finds is a Physics worksheet that he needs to complete.

 

Physics. A class he shares with Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin. The thought of going back to school tomorrow and having to be around them makes his stomach churn a little, and he briefly pauses chewing his apple to let it settle. _I’m literally sick at the thought of seeing them._

 

He tries his best to complete the worksheet, but they must have learned the material that day in class, so Donghyuck gives up.

 

He’s never skipped a day of school. He’s never missed a homework assignment. There’s a first time for everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up soon!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s (not so) easy to avoid them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again :) told you guys this chapter would be up soon. I wonder how many of you doubted me. Enjoy!

It’s easy to avoid them.

 

He was honestly surprised when he walked into homeroom and found his three (used to be) friends sitting nowhere near their usual seats. They actually listened when Donghyuck told them to leave him alone. Good.

 

He makes it through homeroom without so much as even feeling a set of eyes on him. It almost makes him sad, actually. Didn’t they care about him at least a little bit? He tries not to think too much about it. He should just be happy they’re not bothering him.

 

Sitting next to Jeno in math is… awkward, to say the least. They don’t talk or make eye contact, but they’re _right_ next to each other. It’s basically a whole hour of an awkward silence. Exhausting.

 

Walking into the photography room is like a breath of fresh air. For this hour, he doesn’t have to worry about anything, just his bullshit photography assignment.

 

Mark’s already there when he walks over to his seat. He has his earphones in and he’s staring at his phone with a determined facial expression. _He’s so fucking cute._

 

When Donghyuck sits down, Mark immediately pulls out an earphone and turns toward him with a bright face. “Hey, you’re here! How are you feeling?”

 

Donghyuck almost blushes at the sudden undivided attention. How can Mark make him feel like the most important person in the world so easily? He probably has powers. “I’m feeling much better, thank you for asking.” He clears his throat, still fighting the blush. “Did I miss anything yesterday?”

 

Mark shakes his head. “No, we just worked on the assignment. For the whole period.” He says, with a blank face. “I wanted to die it was so boring.”

 

Donghyuck laughs, feeling it bubble out of his chest. “Well, today we can suffer together.”

 

“Yeah, together.” Mark smiles. Donghyuck loses the battle with his blush.

 

Their assignment is pretty simple. Over the weekend they were supposed to take pictures of things that are “important” to them. If there was a level below basic, this would be it.

 

In class, the teacher wants them to be editing the pictures and finding a “creative” way to display them. Basically, they can do whatever the fuck they want as long as they have something to present at the end of the week. Any other senior would probably love to have a class like this, but Donghyuck enjoys the feeling of being challenged with new ways to approach his hobbies. He hates that this assignment is making him look at photography like a chore, which is why he decided to be extra.

 

That weekend he had taken many different pictures. First, he took some rather stunning shots of the park in his city. Nature is something Donghyuck has always appreciated, and he was able to portray that through his unique angles of trees during sunset. Basic white instagrammers would be shaking if they saw them.

 

Second, he was able to bring his camera with him to work that Saturday. He didn’t even have to give it a second thought, of course Starbucks is important to him – the coffee, the atmosphere, his coworkers – it’s probably his favorite place in the world at this moment. His most proud shot was of his manager Taeyong, laughing next to Yuta, while Yuta is pouring a latte into a mug trying to create latte art. He has some other nice pictures as well, but he wants that one to be the center of his whole project. Just looking at it makes him happy.

 

Third, he took pictures of music. It was a bit of a challenge to portray how important music actually is to him through photography, but he creatively found a way by taking the same picture in several different locations. It’s from his point of view, holding his phone with earphones plugged into it. The phone is displaying a song that’s playing, and the background clearly shows him in various places. They’re supposed to show how no matter where he is or what he’s doing, he’ll always be listening to music.

 

Not to toot his own horn, but he’s pretty proud of the way his assignment seems to be turning out. He knows the teacher probably couldn’t give any less of a shit, but at least he’ll be satisfied with himself.

 

There isn’t really much for him to do in class. He wants the focus to be on his pictures, not the display, so he took a traditional approach and just framed them all. It’s simple, the way he likes it.

 

Mark, on the other hand, could use some dire help.

 

His photography is amazing, that’s not the problem. The problem is that he seems to be trying to create some sort of mobile by using wood, strings, and hot glue. It shouldn’t be that difficult, but Mark Lee defies all logic.

 

Donghyuck is busy piecing together one of his frames when he hears a frustrated groan from his left. Trying not to be obvious, he peeks over and finds Mark glaring at a ball of string and glue. He fights down a smile. “Hey Mark, what are you trying to do?”

 

“I’m trying to glue this _stupid_ string to these _stupid_ pieces of wood but the _stupid_ glue won’t fucking dry fast enough and I keep accidentally moving it and making a huge sticky stringy mess!” He yells with anger evident in his voice, throwing his hands in the air as if surrendering. Thankfully, the rest of the class is loudly talking, drowning his outburst.

 

Even though Mark is clearly upset, Donghyuck can’t help but laugh at him. He may be angry but he still managed to be cute. As Donghyuck said before, Mark must have some type of power.

 

Mark looks over at Donghyuck when he hears him laugh. He pouts more, which does nothing to wipe the smile off Donghyuck’s face. “Stop laughing at me, Hyuck-ah! If I could kill these inanimate objects they’d be long dead.”

 

Donghyuck tries to ignore the funny feeling he gets in his stomach when he hears Mark call him _Hyuck-ah._ It’s like music to his ears, but it also reminds him of feelings he can’t really act on. He swallows, trying to act normal. “Maybe if you call it stupid one more time, it’ll work with you instead of against you.”

 

 

Donghyuck successfully ignores Renjun in AP Gov. Being an AP course, the classes are always information filled, with not much time to socialize. He happily accepts this advantage and doesn’t even look Renjun’s way once. On the way to Physics, he lets Renjun walk ahead of him, and watches him reunite with his _boyfriends_ before going into the classroom together. He’s happy they made up. He’s happy they forgave Jaemin. He’s happy for them. _But they can honestly go fuck themselves._

 

The disappointment from the teacher when he doesn’t hand in his homework is something Donghyuck’s never dealt with before. After he explains that he was sick (in front of the whole class, which is embarrassing within itself) the teacher disapprovingly gives him another day to complete it.

 

Right after, he gets the feeling someone’s watching him and looks around, only to make eye contact with _Jeno_. Donghyuck quickly looks away, but was able to read some type of concern in his eyes. _Honestly, fuck him_.

 

He stops at his locker to kill a little time before heading to lunch. As he’s switching out his textbooks, he realizes there’s probably no place for him to sit in the cafeteria. He literally doesn’t have any other friends than the ones he’s currently arguing with. What a fucking loser.

 

He decides to just spend lunch in the library, doing homework and catching up on what he missed yesterday.

 

Finding an empty table is easy, and he contently sits down and spreads out all of his work. AP Gov and Physics are his top priorities. Math can wait.

 

As he’s trying to understand all of the unnecessarily big words in his AP Gov book, he feels a hand on his shoulder, causing him to flinch.

 

Thankfully, it doesn’t trigger him into a panic attack like it had earlier that week, but he still whips his head around faster than normal, and he’s willing to bet his eyes look fearful.

 

Mark’s standing there, mouth partially open in what’s probably small shock.

 

“Oh, Mark! You scared me.” Donghyuck laughs, trying to diffuse the tension. “I was so focused on my reading.”

 

Mark seems to accept. “Sorry about that. You don’t usually come here for lunch, do you? I’m here everyday and never see you.”

 

Donghyuck tries not to think about how it sounds like Mark is always looking for him. “No, I just decided to spend today’s lunch working on things I missed yesterday.”

 

Mark nods, and then glances around a little awkwardly. Donghyuck would almost guess he’s… nervous? “D- W-,” Mark stutters. “Can I sit with you? You know, to like, keep you company or something? If you wanna work alone that’s fine too, I can-”

 

“Sit down, Mark.” Donghyuck says with a knowing smile. He can’t believe he can reduce Mark to a stuttering, rambling mess. Maybe Donghyuck’s the powerful one here.

 

Mark eagerly sits down across from Donghyuck, and begins taking out his own work. Donghyuck watches him fondly, unable to believe someone so cute wants to willingly spend time with him.

 

They work mainly in silence, throwing out a few comments here and there. It’s strangely comfortable, like they were made to be in each other’s presence. Donghyuck’s never felt so at ease with someone before.

 

 

Remembering they have gym next, they walk to the locker rooms together, making easy conversation. Donghyuck’s in the middle of making fun of the way Mark pronounces _coyote_ when they enter the locker room and come face to face with his three ex friends. His laughter stops immediately, and after an awkward couple seconds of eye contact, he’s quick to make his way to the complete opposite side of the room, Mark following in suit.

 

Mark looks a little confused, but Donghyuck gives him props for not questioning him right there in the room.

 

Donghyuck goes into a bathroom stall to change, not quite comfortable with getting undressed in front of other people. Mark also doesn’t comment on that. He can’t even begin to explain how thankful he is for Mark Lee.

 

Throughout gym class, they’re practically attached by the hip. Coach just told them to “shoot some hoops”, and then proceeded to lock himself in his office. Mark takes this opportunity to flex. _Hard_.

 

He still makes conversation with Donghyuck, but he’s making every shot while talking. It doesn’t even look hard. It’s just basket after basket after basket, yet he still has the audacity to act humble, as if he’s not aware of what he’s doing.

 

One thing Donghyuck notices is how _hot_ Mark looks while shooting hoops. This is the first time Donghyuck is actually noticing Mark as something other than cute, and it’s kind of fucking him up. His tongue peaking out ever so slightly as he’s aiming the ball. The way his muscles move as he’s throwing the ball. The quick look of smug satisfaction on his face after he makes the shot. It’s like a whole new person is on the court.

 

Donghyuck’s designated job is to stand right behind the hoop and bounce back the basketballs to Mark after they’ve gone through. There are several times he misses the ball completely, feigning distraction from the conversation instead of the boy himself.

 

It stirs up those crazy feelings inside of him again. He really shouldn’t be thinking about Mark this way, it’s not fair to either of them. Mark probably just thinks of Donghyuck as a friend, and Donghyuck really isn’t in the place to be thinking of anyone as more than a friend, _especially after what I read yesterday_. It’s a confusing conflict of emotions which leaves his stomach feeling queasy.

 

“Hyuck-ah,” Mark says, with a tone different than the one they were just using. “What are you doing today after school?” He’s standing at the three-point line, aiming.

 

Donghyuck thinks for a second, before responding. “I don’t have any plans.” He doesn’t mention how he doesn’t really have friends anymore to make plans with. “Why?”

 

Mark shrugs. “Wanna do something?” He shoots the ball.

 

Donghyuck’s heart races. The feeling of your crush asking you to hang out is something he’s never really felt before. “Sure!” The ball makes it through the hoop. Nothing but net. “What do you wanna do?”

 

“Well my parents are out of the country – they went back to Canada to finish up some business or something – so my house is free.” Mark watches as Donghyuck saves the ball from bouncing into the bleachers. “We could, like, watch movies at my place?”

 

Donghyuck’s beginning to worry his heart is actually palpitating. He tosses the basketball from hand to hand, pretending to consider the offer. “Hmm, I’ll have to check my schedule.”

 

Mark rolls his eyes. “You literally just said you were free.”

 

“Oh, did I? I guess that means we’re watching movies at your place.”

 

 

Mark reminds Donghyuck of where his car is parked, and they agree to meet there for their free period. They actually end up running into each other right before leaving the school, and Donghyuck had said ‘ _fancy seeing you here’_ to which Mark had responded ‘ _you’re not funny’._

 

As they’re walking to his car, Donghyuck spots a familiar trio. The amount of times he’s seen them throughout the day is actually starting to annoy him. He knew he’d have to see their faces at some point, but every time he sees even just one of them, he’s reminded of how he got called a _slut_ and a _liar_ and was told it was _all_ _his fault_. It’s getting on his nerves.

 

Donghyuck swallows and clenches his fists by his sides, trying not to show his anger. Today is a good day. He’s about to go watch movies with Mark.

 

Mark. His new friend, his crush, the guy who called him an angel. The guy who is currently rambing about Drake’s new album, and Donghyuck is just nodding along, because the only time he listens to Drake is when Xuxi takes over the music at work.

 

They arrive at Mark’s car and throw their bags in the backseat before getting in. Just as Donghyuck’s about to sit down, his gaze accidentally locks with Renjun’s. He sees Renjun’s eyes scan over the car and land on Mark, before looking back to Donghyuck with a curious expression.

 

Donghyuck shakes his head and scoffs, loudly, before getting into the car and forcefully slamming the door closed.

 

“Woah, easy there! What did my car ever do to you? Jeez.” Mark’s complaining snaps Donghyuck out of his angry haze.

 

“Sorry.” Donghyuck says sheepishly, embarrassed for letting his emotions get the best of him.

 

Mark looks over questioningly, then his eyes move to something behind Donghyuck. He makes a little _ah_ sound, before putting the car in reverse and backing out. “You wanna talk about what happened with your friends?” He keeps his eyes on the road, not looking at Donghyuck. It’s a casual question, as if he’s asking about the weather.

 

Donghyuck sighs defeatedly. “No, I’d really rather forget they exist.”

 

Mark turns up the radio, and they drive the rest of the way while singing along to whatever song decides to come on next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How long do you think it'll take for 00 line to be friends again? I wanna hear your opinions :)
> 
> (also, feel free to yell at me on twitter, or just follow me and I'll probably follow you back @fullsunists)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regression to the mean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. First of all, this was the worst writers block I've ever had to overcome. Literally get this chapter out of my face right now.
> 
> Second of all, I used a different application to write this chapter so I apologize if there's any noticeable differences in the formatting. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

 

 

“Hi, welcome to Starbucks, what can we get for you today?”

 

The lady in front of him taps her finger on her lips, as if thinking really hard about something.

 

“Is a ‘grande’ a large?”

 

Donghyuck tries to keep the polite smile on his face. “No miss, grande is our medium. Venti is our large.”

 

The lady huffs. “That’s really misleading, you know.”

 

_Believe me, I know._

 

Sunday mornings are the absolute worst. The only customers who come in, from the time they open until about noon, are a bunch of old people. It sounds nice in theory, but he’d rather have a bunch of know-it-all teenagers giving him attitude than rude old people who are too closed minded to even understand their sizing.

 

The lady gives him her order; a _venti_ cappuccino made with coconut milk and extra foam. Donghyuck doesn’t have the patience to tell her that foam from coconut milk is practically impossible to make, so he gets to work, knowing it’ll take a lot of extra effort.

 

It’s been about two months since his fight with norenmin, which means it’s been about two months since Mark officially became his best friend. Honestly, things are good. Of course he’s still dealing with nightmares, flashbacks, and the occasional panic attack, but other than that he’s actually been pretty happy. 

 

Mark still has no idea about anything, and that’s how Donghyuck wants to keep it.

 

Avoiding his three ex friends gets easier with every passing day. There was one horrible incident where Jeno and Donghyuck had to work on a math sheet together in class. Their teacher had forced them to pair up, and even yelled at Donghyuck for not participating when he wasn’t talking to Jeno. That really ticked him off, and he ended up giving Jeno more attitude than necessary for a math assignment. He didn’t feel bad, though.

 

It’s far into autumn now, warm weather long behind them. Donghyuck doesn’t like to brag, but his pumpkin spice latte skills are on point.

 

When Yuta first introduced him to the pumpkin spice sauce he almost threw up on the spot. The thickness of it alone was gross enough, but the ingredients on the side of the bottle actually made him worried for his customers’ health.  _It had salt written twice._ With enough coaxing from Yuta and the eventual threat of firing him from Taeyong, Donghyuck hesitantly put aside his morals and values to create the latte.

 

(The night Donghyuck learned was a slow friday night, and Mark was in the corner of the café trying to do his homework. Whenever Donghyuck had a shift, Mark liked to randomly show up and pretend to be productive, while he was actually just there to distract Donghyuck.

 

Mark kept hearing shrieks coming from behind the counter, but didn’t think anything of it. It was normal for Donghyuck to be dramatic at work. Five minutes later, Mark lifted his head to see the younger boy walking towards him with a mug in his hand and a smile on his face. Mark smiled back as he closed his textbook, making room on the table for the mug.

 

Donghyuck sat down without a word and placed the mug in front of Mark. He was still smiling, and Mark was getting a little confused. “Uh, Hyuck? What’s this?”

 

Donghyuck had done a horrible job trying to get rid of his smile and act. “What’s what?” He looked down. “Oh, you mean this?” He pointed to the mug. “That’s my first ever pumpkin spice latte, and I want you to be the one to try it.” Donghyuck full-on smiled, and Mark had to look down to avoid getting blinded by the sun.

 

“Is it safe to drink?”

 

Donghyuck thought back to the list of ingredients on the side of the bottle. “You tell me.”

 

Without hesitation, Mark had picked up the mug and taken a huge sip of the latte. Donghyuck had immediately winced, knowing how hot the drink was. 

 

It didn’t phase Mark at all. He had slammed down the mug and dramatically let out an ahh as he wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve. Donghyuck just kept looking at him, waiting for any reaction. “What’s the verdict?”

 

Mark had a glint in his eyes that Donghyuck hadn’t seen before. “Sweet. Like you.”)

 

When Donghyuck finally finishes making the old lady’s cappuccino with extra coconut milk foam, he carelessly calls it out before walking to the back room. There’s only half an hour left of his shift and he’s starting to get antsy. He honestly just wants to leave and get ready for his plans with Mark. 

 

Ever since that one day after school, watching movies with Mark has sort of become a tradition. Every weekend they would get together, usually at Mark’s place, and watch whatever movie they felt. They’d already gone through all the Marvel and Star Wars movies. Next on their list is classic comedies.

 

Thankfully, their school gave the students a three day weekend, so even though today is Sunday, they can stay up all night watching movies anyway. 

 

“Donghyuck why the fuck aren’t you at the register?” Sicheng is sitting on the break chair with his feet on the desk. Taeyong doesn’t work on weekends, so the employee with most seniority is left in charge, which happens to be Dong Si Cheng, 20 years old, employee of Starbucks since 16. What a career.

 

“Hyung, please, I’ve been working since 6am. Don’t I deserve a break?” Donghyuck pulls out his best pout. 

 

“Yeah, that’s why I’ve already given you three today.” Oh, right. “You have, like, twenty minutes left. Just clean the blenders or something.”

 

Donghyuck groans. “I’m just gonna pretend I never came back here.”

 

Walking back out to the front of the store, he notices that it’s gotten even more dead. Literally every customer had left the café. He groans again, this time in his head, and actually considers cleaning the blenders. It’s really not that bad. _I’m sure it would make the end of my shift go by a lot faster._

 

Just as he’s reaching for the chord to unplug a blender, the door opens and a customer walks in. Donghyuck sighs and makes it to the register just as the customer does. 

 

“Hi, what can I get for you today?” He pulls out his sharpie from his apron and gets ready to grab a cup. The customer looks a little bit older than Donghyuck, and he can’t deny that he’s super attractive. Old Donghyuck probably would have flirted with him. 

 

“I’ll take a grande green iced tea.” Even his voice is hot. Donghyuck grabs a grande iced cup and starts writing his order down.

 

“Would you like that sweetened?”

 

“No, thank you.” Manners too? Wow, Donghyuck is really missing his shot. 

 

“Anything else today?” Donghyuck looks up briefly and makes eye contact with the customer. He expected to fight a blush or something but his body isn’t even reacting. _Am I that whipped for Mark?_

 

“That’s all.”

 

“All right, can I have a name for the drink?”

 

“Minjun.”

 

The hand Donghyuck is writing with freezes, as does the rest of his body. A billion thoughts flow through his mind at once. He knows the man in front of him is not the person who raped him. They just share the same name. The name that Donghyuck can’t really handle hearing. His heart begins to race.

 

Taking a deep breath, he puts his sharpie back in his apron, not finding it in him to write that name on the cup. The customer, Minjun, is still looking at him, probably waiting for his total. Right. 

 

Donghyuck taps the screen a couple times, and comes up with the total. His hands are starting to shake. 

 

“Your total is $3.25.” His tone is flat and he doesn’t make eye contact with the customer. He’s probably coming off as rude but he can’t bring himself to care. He just wants to disappear. 

 

Thankfully, the customer hands him exact change and walks away before Donghyuck even finishes the transaction. Closing his eyes for a second, he wills himself to just get through this and go home. Fuck Sicheng, he’s going to leave right after this drink. 

 

Grabbing the cup, Donghyuck walks over to the iced teas and gets to work. This guy literally ordered the easiest drink on the planet. _It would probably be easier if my hands weren’t shaking so much._

 

He pours the tea, adds the water, scoops the ice, and has the lid on in twice the amount of time it should take. He stares down at the completed drink, hating its existence. The cup starts to move. Donghyuck belatedly realizes he’s getting dizzy. Carefully walking over to the counter, he sets down the iced tea, proud of himself for getting through this. Only, the customer doesn’t collect the drink. In fact, the customer is leaning against the wall, looking at something on his phone. He didn’t notice his drink is ready.

 

Donghyuck clears his throat. The customer still doesn’t look up. 

 

He closes his eyes and tries to push down every single feeling that’s fighting to come out of him. 

 

“M-Minjun.” Another flash of thoughts assault Donghyuck’s brain.

 

At the sound of his name, the customer looks up and smiles, walking over to grab his drink. He shoots out a thanks before walking out the door, and suddenly Donghyuck is alone. 

 

He’s still frozen in the spot he called out the name in. His hands are shaking, his heart is racing, and he’s extremely dizzy.  _Oh_ , Donghyuck thinks, _I’m forgetting to breathe._

 

He tries to inhale but it ends up being a lot harder than he thought, his throat closing in on itself and sounding more like a wheeze. Turning, he stumbles his way to the back room again, hoping to just _getoutgetoutgetout_. 

 

He pushes the door open as black spots begin to dance in his vision. 

 

“Donghyuck, I thought I told you t-Woah, are you okay?” Sicheng switches from pissed to concerned so fast that if Donghyuck wasn’t already dizzy, he would be just from that. 

 

Donghyuck doesn’t answer as he keeps walking (staggering) towards the door that leads out back. 

 

“Hyuck, man, are you okay? What’s wrong?” Sicheng is now up and following Donghyuck outside. 

 

One thing Donghyuck has never understood is why people think they can ask him questions when he’s like this. _If I can barely breathe, what makes you think I’m gonna answer you, dumbass, just give me a literal second!_

 

Donghyuck makes it outside just as he loses his balance, falling towards the wall, just managing to catch himself while scraping his hand against the rough bricks. Ignoring the pain, he lowers himself to a sitting position with his back flat against the wall. He tips his head back and tries to open his airway as much as possible. His trembling body welcomes the cold weather.

 

After discovering he could probably have PTSD, Donghyuck had decided to research ways to deal with the anxiety. His mind is currently jumbled from lack of oxygen, but Donghyuck thinks he remembers something called square breathing.

 

Inhale for four seconds. Hold for four seconds. Exhale for four seconds. Hold for four seconds. 

 

Attempting to hold an inhale while panicking is a lot harder than it sounds. He tries his best to hold it, but his lungs retract and force a horrible burst of coughing as they fight his method. At the sound Donghyuck struggling, Sicheng sits down next to Donghyuck and offers him his hand. 

 

Donghyuck’s never grabbed anything faster. 

 

With Sicheng’s hand to focus on, it’s a bit easier for Donghyuck to control his breathing. He succeeds in holding his breath, and after a measureless amount of time the pressure in his chest is released and Donghyuck can finally breathe normally. The world continues spinning around him as he closes his eyes and rests his head on his knees. 

 

_How did I just survive that._

 

Donghyuck can feel Sicheng’s eyes on him. “Sorry, that happens sometimes.” 

 

He hears Sicheng chuckle at his bluntness. “What, do you crush a person’s hand every time, too? Jesus, I’ll probably have to go to the ER. I bet every bone is broken.” 

 

Donghyuck mumbles an apology, not in the mood for joking around. 

 

How could a single name cause all of this? The pictures that flashed through his mind after both hearing and saying the name were completely unexpected. It was like he relived certain memories in mere seconds. His mind was just a mantra of  _whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck_. 

 

He felt attacked by his own brain. 

 

He wanted to place the blame all on the customer, but it’s not the guys fault he’s named after some horrible person Donghyuck just happened to meet first. _It’s my fault for overreacting_ , Donghyuck thinks. _Normal people wouldn’t have a whole anxiety attack over a name. I must be broken._

 

Throbbing in his left hand brings him out of his thoughts and he looks down to review the damage. Theres a pretty deep scrape going from the knuckle of his little finger down to his wrist. It’s only about two inches long, but it stings like hell. Donghyuck  grimaces, imagining sitting in this germ infested alley way probably isn’t helping. 

 

Slowly, Donghyuck manages to stand up, feeling a head rush that makes his whole world spin again. Sicheng stands as well, immediately going to his side to help with anything. He doesn’t want help.

 

“Sicheng, I’m fine now.” It comes out as frustrated as he feels. 

 

Sicheng awkwardly steps away. “Right. Sorry.” Donghyuck’s heart breaks a little at the dejected sound of his coworker. He’s just trying to help and Donghyuck’s being an asshole.

 

“No, I’m sorry. Thank you for helping me.” He offers a small smile. “Your hand did wonders.”

 

 

 

When Donghyuck arrives at Mark’s house, the sun has already set. He’s had a couple hours to recoup and get his energy back, as well as bandage his hand up after disinfecting it. The gauze is wrapped securely around his left hand, but hardly noticeable with the sweater paws of his nice big sweatshirt. 

 

Mark and Donghyuck are already in that stage of friendship where they don’t need to knock on each other’s doors. Donghyuck walks right in.

 

“Mark! Royalty has arrived!” Donghyuck yells as he’s taking off his adidas by the front door. He immediately hears shuffling around upstairs and knows Mark heard him, so he walks over to the couch, deciding to already make himself comfortable in preparation for movie night. 

 

Mark’s house is considerably larger than Donghyuck’s tiny apartment, and for some reason Mark’s parents are never home.  Having just the two of them makes the house feel huge. It was weird at first, accepting the fact that Mark is much more rich than Donghyuck probably ever will be. But now, it’s just another thing about Mark. He likes basketball, he hates candy, and he’s rich. 

 

Mark finally comes running down the stairs, dressed in a crewneck and joggers, plopping himself down right next to Donghyuck on the couch. “Hey, Hyuck.” They smile at one another, happy to finally be in each other’s presence again. "How was work today?”

 

That’s a normal question. They always ask each other about their days, and they always give the other a detailed answer. But today was something Donghyuck did not want to talk about. “Same old, same old.” He coughs. "How was your day? Did you get out of bed at all?”

 

Mark laughs. “Of course. I had to answer the door when my amazon prime order came.” 

 

Donghyuck shoves Mark as his laughter continues. “You’re such a loser.” The fondness was evident in his voice.

 

They eventually settle down and put on a movie. The Sandlot. According to Mark, it’s one of the greatest movies ever. Donghyuck honestly didn’t care about the movie, he was more interested in the joy in Mark’s eyes when he said yes to watching it. 

 

Following tradition, they make popcorn. While they were in the kitchen, Mark’s eyes caught Donghyuck’s bandage and immediately questioned it. Donghyuck told him he burned himself on the steam wand at work. Mark told him to be more careful. 

 

Throwing a piece of popcorn in his mouth, Donghyuck settles down into the couch and sips his coca cola while staring at Mark’s huge flatscreen. It’s basically a home theater. Mark quickly throws in the DVD and sits back down right next to Donghyuck. The couch is long but their sides are touching. Donghyuck smiles. 

 

Every time the one kid says you’re killing me, smalls Mark just about loses it. Donghyuck doesn’t really find it funny, but he laughs along anyway, finding it easy to join Mark. 

 

At one point, Mark had laughed so hard that he had to shove his face into Donghyuck’s shoulder. Somehow, they end up closer after that. 

 

By the time the movie ends, Mark’s practically in tears after going through a rollercoaster of emotions. Donghyuck’s secretly happy it’s over. _Greatest movie ever? What’s Mark smoking?_

 

“So, what did you think of the movie?” Mark asks him while the end credits are still rolling, turning his body to face Donghyuck while putting his elbow on the top of the couch, resting his hand against his head. 

 

Donghyuck tilts his head. “It was okay.” Honestly, that was sugarcoating it. 

 

“What!” Mark almost throws the popcorn bowl that had been resting on their thighs from how fast he sits up. “What do you mean okay!? It’s okay!? Just okay!?”

 

“I said what I said.” Donghyuck states proudly, and grabs another handful of popcorn from Mark’s lap. 

 

“I can’t believe this.” Mark almost sounds sad. “That was such a good movie. How could you not like that?” 

 

“Everything is subjective, Mark.”

 

Mark throws popcorn in his face. “Everything is subjective, Mark.” He mimics, in an offensively high tone that’s supposed to sound like Donghyuck. “Honestly, what does that even mean?”

 

“It means not everyone has to like the same shit as you, dumbass!” Donghyuck throws the popcorn back at Mark. “Also, I don’t sound like that!”

 

Mark throws the popcorn again, which leads to a popcorn fight. Popcorn is getting all over the couch and the living room floor, but they don’t care. Their main goal is to defeat the other. 

 

“Say the sandlot is a good movie!” Mark yells, finally just picking up the whole bowl and dumping it on Donghyuck.

 

“Never!” Donghyuck shouts back, as he throws the now empty (plastic) bowl at Marks head. Mark quickly dodges it, but the look on his face is telling Donghyuck to run. 

 

“Oh my god, you could have just killed me! Come here!” Mark lunges after Donghyuck, probably trying to commit murder. So Donghyuck runs. 

 

He doesn’t get that far. His foot gets stuck on the carpet after his second step, and down he goes. Immediately, Mark seizes his chance and is on top of Donghyuck, pinning him down. 

 

“Say the sandlot is a good movie right now!” Mark sits on Donghyuck legs while pinning his arms to the floor. 

 

“No!” Donghyuck struggles to break Mark’s hold. A tiny alarm goes off in his mind. 

 

“Say it!”

 

Donghyuck stops struggling, trying to make sense of what’s happening, and the room falls silent. Mark is leaning over Donghyuck’s face, breathing heavily from all the physical exertion. 

 

It’s like time slows down. Donghyuck looks up into Mark’s eyes to see Mark is already staring at him. He goes to move, but Mark’s hold is still preventing him from any and all movement. 

 

“Mark.” Donghyuck says, softly. For some reason his body wants to panic. His heartbeat picks up, as does his breathing. 

 

Mark keeps staring at Donghyuck, seemingly lost in the moment. His gaze flicks down to Donghyuck’s lips as he begins to lean down, and that’s when it happens. 

 

Suddenly, Donghyuck is back on the bed with three guys trying to have sex with him. He sees Minjun on top of him, telling him to relax and enjoy it. He feels Seojun’s hands pinning his arms above his head, leaving bruises. He hears Cheolsu’s laugh as Donghyuck struggles. The overwhelming feeling of wanting to _getoutgetoutgetout_ takes over. Donghyuck thrashes his body. 

 

Immediately, Mark is thrown backwards off Donghyuck. He catches himself and manages to sit upright. Mark shakes his head, unsure of what just happened. He doesn’t understand why Donghyuck would throw him off like that. Did he read the signs wrong? 

 

Donghyuck is still laying on the floor, trying to get the images out of his head. He can feel hands on his body, smell the weed and alcohol that was in the air. Donghyuck honestly can’t tell if he’s back there or not. 

 

“Donghyuck.” Mark’s voice snaps him out of it, sounding crystal clear in contrast to the muffled sound of his memories. Donghyuck sits up quickly. Giving the room a quick survey, he realizes him and Mark are the only people in the room. As it should be. He lets out a deep sigh of relief, finally understanding what’s happening. Mark isn’t looking at him though. “Donghyuck, I’m sorry.”

 

What? Donghyuck’s thoughts are racing too much to understand that apology. His body is still on high alert, almost like it’s waiting for an attack. He can’t take it. _Getoutgetoutgetout._

 

Donghyuck doesn’t spare Mark another glance. He grabs his keys off the coffee table and runs out of the living room. It takes him several tries to actually get his shoes on, his body trembling too much to efficiently cooperate.  

 

“Hyuck, wait!” Mark rounds the corner just as Donghyuck opens the front door. "Let’s talk about this.” 

 

Donghyuck doesn’t look back.

 

Mark watches as Donghyuck runs out to his car and drives away, leaving him confused with a broken heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That had to be the worst Sunday in history. Two episodes in one day? After almost two months of ignoring his symptoms? Sounds like Donghyuck needs to face the music.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before he can psych himself out, he knocks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took nearly two weeks to update :) Hope you guys enjoy!

The moment you wake up from a nightmare is the most terrifying feeling there is. The split second between dream and reality may be small, but it bears so much. The confusion of not knowing exactly what’s happening (or the horror of knowing exactly what’s happening, depending on the scenario) can consume you. It’s ugly and hungry for control.

Nightmares are a full body experience as well as a full mind experience. Even though you’re sleeping the heart still races, muscles tightening as they get ready to fight or flight. In reality, it takes a second to wake up, but the adrenaline mixed with the horror, panic, and dread makes that second feel endless.

It’s always the same for some people. They either wake up in a convulsive, jerky type of movement, almost as if literally jumping out of the dream. Others wake up frozen in fear, laying completely still, wide-eyed, hoping for any visual clue that’ll lead them to discover that they are in fact awake.

Mark is no stranger to the latter.

Ever since he was a kid he would have all sorts of crazy fucked up dreams. There was never any reasoning behind it—doctors told him he had a _very active imagination._

As he grew older he learned how to deal with them more personally, usually depending on sleep aids. He prefers higher dosages.

Mark doesn’t talk about it because he simply never had anyone to tell. Since he could remember his parents were always working, almost never being around to raise him. He started staying home alone at the age of 8. He’s used to being in charge of himself.

When his alarm goes off on Tuesday morning, Mark’s already awake. _I must need to up my dosage._

Having that Monday off from school was _supposed_ to be a godsend. Mark and Donghyuck were _supposed_ to spend that whole day together. Only Mark had to fuck it up. _Murphy’s law always fucking gets me,_ Mark thinks. _Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Always always always._

Mark had tried contacting Donghyuck several different times. Calls, texts, and voicemails probably all went ignored in the storage of Donghyuck’s phone. He just wants him to know he’s sorry. He must have read the signs all wrong. Mark genuinely thought Donghyuck liked him, until Donghyuck flinched away in disgust and then literally ran out of his house. He’s never felt more mortified.

The mortification continues when Mark walks into photography on Tuesday morning only to see Donghyuck isn’t there. All energy drains out of his body at the sight of the abandoned seat. It feels wrong to see a space that usually holds the world look so _empty_.

Ten minutes after the bell rings, Mark gives up hope. Donghyuck didn’t come to school.

_Was it because of me?_

He can’t focus throughout the whole class. Everyone around him is talking and working on their new projects, but Mark can only stare at the blank space in front of him and around him. Maybe he’s being dramatic. Or maybe he really does feel incomplete without Donghyuck.

When the period ends, Mark doesn’t even think twice before opening a new text to Donghyuck.

_i see you’re not here today. hope all is well :)_

He reads it over, then rereads it again, and again, and then one more time, until he’s 100% sure that’s what he wants to say. Mark presses send as he’s stepping out into the hallway. He watches the _delivered_ pop up under the text and feels his anxiety spike in anticipation for a text back. Realistically, he knows he won’t get one.

Putting his phone away, Mark continues to his next class. But the moment he looks up, Mark comes face to face with another person. It’s too late to stop his momentum.

The force of the other body sends Mark tumbling to the ground. He braces for impact, only it never comes.

The other person _caught_ him.

It takes a second to fully comprehend the position he’s in, and when Mark looks up his gaze falls right into the eyes of none other than Huang Renjun. There’s another second of _holy shit_ before Mark is scrambling to stand on his own and get out of Renjun’s hold.

“Whoah, easy. Are you alright?” Renjun asks as he tries to help Mark find his balance.

“Y-yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Sorry.” Mark looks up and then away because _wow cheek bones hello_. He clears his throat as he steadies himself. “I guess texting while walking can be pretty hazardous.” He adds a laugh to break the tension. Renjun chuckles back but there’s some sort of tension gathering in the air.

“You gotta watch where you’re going.” Renjun says, and Mark blushes at the obvious instruction. Embarrassed, Mark’s about to just walk away when Renjun speaks up again. “Hey… it’s Mark, right?”

“Yeah, Mark. And you’re Renjun. Donghyuck introduced us once.” At the mention of Donghyuck, Mark notices Renjun’s interest peak.

“Speaking of Donghyuck, how is he doing?” That’s an awfully hard question to answer. Mark knows Donghyuck had some sort of falling out with his friends, but he's never said a word about it. Mark has no idea what lines he's crossing just by talking to Renjun.

“He’s okay, I guess.” Mark tries to respond confidently. A wave of protection surges over him, feeling like he’s somehow defending Donghyuck’s honor. “Why?” Mark watches for any clue on Renjun’s face. Something that looks like guilt flashes through his eyes.

“I’m just… worried, I guess.” Renjun coughs awkwardly. "He told you what happened, right?”

Mark narrows his eyes. “What would he have told me?” Donghyuck tells Mark lots of things, like how he has poor color vision and one day hopes to own five different breeds of dogs. At the same time. One thing Donghyuck has never told Mark about is his feelings. Mark suddenly feels so much more isolated from Donghyuck than ever before.

“Oh, so he hasn’t.” Renjun takes a step back. “I’m sorry, I should go. I’m glad he’s okay, though. I really am.”

Before Mark can question him further, Renjun’s gone. Mark instantly feels unsettled. Is Donghyuck actually okay? The day Mark found him crying in the courtyard clearly demonstrated that Donghyuck was dealing with things that he hasn’t expressed yet, but does it tie into the falling out with his friends? Could it possibly tie into why he left so abruptly on Sunday?

Mark’s head is spinning with all the _what if’_ s bouncing around his brain.

There’s only one thing he needs to make sure of; that Donghyuck’s okay.

 

Mark makes it to Donghyuck’s apartment in record time. He’s only been there two times before but it’s easy to remember. _Eighth floor, third door on the left._ He can still hear Donghyuck’s voice telling him for the first time.

He stops before he knocks on the door, realizing how impulsive this was. He didn’t plan anything to say. Donghyuck might not even be home.

Before he can psych himself out, he knocks.

Silence.

Mark waits about 30 seconds before knocking again, this time with more energy. Mark’s craving to see that Donghyuck’s okay.

He’s about to knock a third time when he hears the sounds of locks moving. The door suddenly opens and a red eyed, greasy haired Donghyuck is standing in front of him. _Beautiful_.

“Uh.” Donghyuck says, clearly not expecting to see Mark right now. Mark feels bad.

“Hey!” Mark starts off, way too cheery for the current vibe. “Could I come in?” He sounds hopeful.

Donghyuck stares at him for a while before finally stepping aside, allowing Mark access. He happily strides inside and takes a seat on a chair in the living room.

Mark observes as Donghyuck, dressed in an oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants, sits down on the couch and immediately curls in on himself, making him appear two times smaller. Mark frowns.

“Why are you here, Mark.” It doesn’t come out as a question. It comes out scratchy and tired, like the vocal manifestation of Donghyuck’s appearance. Mark’s frown deepens.

“You didn’t come to school today. I was worried-“

“I know. I got your text.” Donghyuck snaps, full of sharp attitude.

Mark’s taken aback. “You’re upset with me.” Donghyuck says nothing. "I’m sorry for coming onto you this weekend. I never should’ve tried to kiss you like that. I crossed a line in our friendship and I understand if you don’t want to forgive me.” Mark’s gaze falls to the floor, hoping to convey all of his regret and sorrow so Donghyuck will stop being so cold towards him.

It’s silent for a while. Mark’s thinking that Donghyuck is mulling over his apology, but a sniffle seizes his attention. He peers up to see Donghyuck close to tears, hiding his face in his sweater paws.

Mark subconsciously reaches out to the younger boy, making an aborted motion, not knowing if he’s allowed to go and comfort him. “Donghyuck.” Mark calls out. Donghyuck shakes his head, not moving his hands from his face. “Donghyuck, how can I fix this.” Mark’s voice breaks, echoing across the otherwise silent room.

“It’s all my fault, Mark.” Donghyuck says shakily, trying so, so hard to keep the tears from spilling over.

Hearing the pain in Donghyuck’s voice is what finally convinces Mark to cross the room and sit with the younger boy. He sits down right next to him, thighs touching as Mark puts his arm around Donghyuck’s back as a way to offer support. He can feel the younger boy trembling. “What’s all your fault, Hyuck-ah?”

Donghyuck then turns to Mark, looking right into his eyes with so much hurt and fear. “Can you promise that you won’t call me names? I think I can handle you walking out, but I don’t know if I’d bear hearing you say the things Jaemin said.”

Jaemin called Donghyuck names? So this is about his argument with his friends. Mark is finally going to know the whole story.

It’s funny that Donghyuck thinks Mark will walk out after telling him. Mark doesn’t think he could leave Donghyuck if he tried.

“I’m right here, Hyuck. You can tell me anything and I’ll still be right here. The only name I’ve ever called you is ‘angel’ and I’m gonna keep it that way, okay? Don’t worry about me.” Mark wanted Donghyuck to understand that he’s safe.

Donghyuck inhales shakily. He puts his head back in his hands as he starts to talk, not able to tell the story while looking at Mark. He starts from that summer night, explaining the events as unbiased as possible, and ends with a run-down of the way Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin had reacted.

It’s a long and hard story to tell. Donghyuck has to take several breaks to catch his breath and stop himself from crying too hard. He never once looks at Mark. The only clue that the older boy is still there is the constant pressure on his side where their bodies are touching. Mark says nothing as he listens, taking in every word Donghyuck is saying.

Mark didn’t expect this. He never would’ve guessed this in a million years.

First of all, he’s only ever heard of _girls_ getting raped. Not boys. It makes sense after hearing the story, but he’d never even thought of that possibility before.

Second of all, he can’t believe how strong the boy sitting next to him is. It’s surreal to hear those events, hear such terrible things that happened, but have the victim right next to you. It’s unbelievable that Donghyuck is the boy in that story. Mark really, really doesn’t want to believe it.

When Donghyuck finally explains the way his friends reacted, everything becomes clear.

As soon as Donghyuck finishes the story, he starts sobbing. His head is still in his hands and he’s curling in on himself in a way Mark’s only seen puppies do when they’re afraid. _He thinks I’m gonna react like Jaemin_ , Mark thinks. _Fuck Jaemin._

Mark embraces Donghyuck further, pulling the boy even closer than before and giving him a proper hug. It hurts Mark so bad to hear his cries now knowing everything he’s been through. Mark’s own tears are threatening to spill, but he needs to be here for Donghyuck right now.

“Shhh.” Mark soothes as he tries to get Donghyuck to calm his crying. “It’s okay. I’m here. It’s okay.” But that only makes Donghyuck cry harder, gripping onto Mark’s shirt aggressively.

Mark’s heart breaks. This must be the first time Donghyuck isn’t being turned away. This must be the first time someone is comforting him about the thing that ruined his life. Mark can’t stop his tears.

“I’m sorry, Donghyuck. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that. None of it. I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Mark says his words clearly, hoping Donghyuck can understand him through their tears. He runs a comforting hand along the back of Donghyuck’s head, carding his fingers through his hair.

Donghyuck eventually begins to calm down, but he doesn’t move. They stay there, Donghyuck in Mark’s arms as they listen to each other’s breathing. It’s reassuring to both of them.

Donghyuck’s eyes are closed when Mark looks down. For a second he’s worried that the younger boy fell asleep on him, but then he speaks. “Thank you, hyung.”

Mark inhales sharply. _Hyung_.

That’s a word he’s only been called once or twice. No one ever used it in Canada. Mark imagines this is Donghyuck’s way of conveying his respect, but he can’t handle it. Not after this.

“Please don’t call me that.” Mark says, tearing up again.

Donghyuck frowns and sits up. “Oh, I’m sorry-“

“No, _I’m_ sorry.” Mark looks right into Donghyuck’s eyes. “None of that was your fault. Please believe me. You did everything you could. You’re not at fault.” Mark’s practically pleading.

Donghyuck removes himself from Mark. “Do you really believe that?” He questions with doubt written all over his face. “Jaemin said-“

“Fuck Jaemin!” Mark yells, making Donghyuck jump at the sudden outburst. “What Jaemin said isn’t true, and you know it. He’s a piece of shit who doesn’t understand the concept of rape. _You didn’t want it,_ Donghyuck. It’s not your fault no one else in that room understood that.”

Mark’s breathing heavily after his little rant, unable to conceal his anger. Donghyuck is looking down at his hands, playing with them as uncertainty clouds his face. “Do you honestly believe that?”

Mark closes the distance once again, lifting Donghyuck’s head by placing a hand under his chin and connecting their eyes. “I do.” So much sincerity is placed in those two words.

Donghyuck’s face crumbles for the second time that day.

At that moment, Mark vowed to himself to stay by Donghyuck’s side through his healing process. He wanted nothing more than to see the younger boy be happy once again.

Mark would do anything.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally don’t kill me i promise the next chapter will be /somewhat/ happier ok


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why the long face?”
> 
>  
> 
> “Are you saying my head’s big?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from my hiatus, sorry for not warning you guys :(

Donghyuck stares at Mark. 

 

They’re currently in the cafeteria, sitting across from each other while eating their lunch. Mark is rambling about  _ something,  _ Donghyuck couldn’t even tell you if he tried, and he can’t help but stare. 

 

_ Mark is amazing _ .

 

Ever since Donghyuck told Mark everything, he’s been nothing short of amazing. Donghyuck fully expected Mark to push him away and call him disgusting or tell him he’s overreacting. He didn’t expect Mark to (literally) pull him closer and tell him everything’s okay. He never even dreamed of someone comforting him like that, but Mark Lee proved him wrong. 

 

The following day was even better. Mark had brought Donghyuck over to his house afterwards where they continued their movie marathon and ended up falling asleep on the couch together. When they both woke up late, they decided to just skip school and take a day for themselves. 

 

They talked a lot that day. Mark asked questions to better understand Donghyuck’s feelings, and Donghyuck shared things with Mark that he’d never imagined himself sharing with anyone. 

 

_ “Sometimes I don’t feel anything at all,” _ Donghyuck had said, _ “other times I feel so much that I wish it would stop and go back to the numbness.”  _

 

Mark hated the blank look in Donghyuck’s eyes. Hated the way the boy talked so defeatedly, as if losing a battle. 

 

_ “Why haven’t you put Jaemin in his place yet?"  _ Mark had asked after a particularly long silence. When Donghyuck didn’t respond, Mark continued to push. “ _ Jeno and Renjun are obviously on your side, maybe if you-" _

 

_ “Obviously?!”  _ Donghyuck had laughed then. A bitter, frozen laugh that left a cold feeling in Mark’s chest. “ _ Yeah, they’re so obviously on my side with the ignoring me and letting their boyfriend call me a liar and a slut.” _ Donghyuck’s voice had risen considerably, but broke on the last syllable.  _ “When I told them not to bother me, I didn’t actually mean it, Mark. I miss my friends. I hate how alone I feel without them.”  _ Donghyuck then started to cry, a sight Mark was growing used to seeing. 

 

_ “I’m sorry. Next time you feel alone, come to me. You always have me.” _

 

Donghyuck remembers the sincerity in Mark’s voice when he said that. It ignited a warm feeling inside of him that he hasn’t felt for months. Looking at Mark now, sitting in their shitty cafeteria, eyes bright while talking about something he’s clearly passionate about, Donghyuck decides not to fight it anymore. 

 

He smiles, and lets Mark’s warmth engulf him. 

  
  


(They don’t talk about the kiss. Well, the  _ almost _ kiss. 

 

To be fair, it’s easy to pretend they like forgot about it. So much happened in the aftermath that they both decided to just move forward. It’s like their friendship was split into two different time periods; before Mark found out and after Mark found out. 

 

Before Mark found out, there was a distance between them. Always some sort of underlying tension.

 

After Mark found out, it’s like all boundaries were erased. They became one person, always together, never afraid to share what one is feeling with the other. 

 

Somewhere along the way, the kiss got lost in translation.)

  
  


The next day is a good day. Donghyuck had finished all of his homework early and gone to bed way before he usually does, giving him much more sleep than he’s gotten in ages. He feels refreshed and energized, ready to take on anything the world has to throw at him. 

 

Like an F. 

 

Dropping his jaw, Donghyuck takes in the big fat letter on the test that his science teacher just handed back. His first ever F. How could he have failed? He remembers feeling pretty confident taking the test.  _ This must be a mistake _ . 

 

Hesitantly, Donghyuck stands up and makes his way to his teacher’s desk. It’s cluttered, with papers and notebooks and sticky-notes scattered all around the table. Mr. Jeon was never one for organization. 

 

His teacher is currently writing something, head down and glasses on. Donghyuck clears his throat 

 

“Mr. Jeon?” He tries to keep his voice low so other students don’t overhear.

 

His teacher looks up. “Yes, Donghyuck?”

 

“I-I was just wondering if there’s any chance you misgraded this?” He hands the teacher his test. “I don’t think I should’ve gotten that grade.” 

 

Mr. Jeon takes the test from him and gives it a once-over. Donghyuck bites his lip, hoping to hear something positive. 

 

“Yeah,” His teacher says after a minute, “I remember grading this. I was very surprised by how poorly you did. I thought you were a better student, Donghyuck-ah.” Donghyuck’s stomach drops. “You need to study more. I didn’t misgrade anything.”

 

Donghyuck can’t believe this. He actually got an F. 

 

Taking the test back, he bows without a word and heads back to his seat. There’s a heavy feeling in the center of his stomach, growing with every step he takes. 

 

He wonders how low his over-all course grade must be right now. 

 

Just as he’s re-arranging his mental schedule to add more study time, he hears muffled laughing coming from his right. Glancing over, he accidentally makes eye contact with Jaemin, who quickly looks away but keeps laughing.  _ Huh. _

 

The stone in Donghyuck’s stomach gets heavier. Was Jaemin just laughing at Donghyuck? Did he hear the conversation?

 

Donghyuck feels his face go hot at the embarrassment of someone else knowing how much of a failure he is. He groans and stuffs his face in his hands. _ So much for a good fucking day.  _

  
  


“Why the long face?” 

 

“Are you saying my head’s big?” 

 

Mark sits down across from Donghyuck, hanging his bag off the back of his chair. Donghyuck had come to the library for lunch instead of the cafeteria, hoping to avoid Mark. Of course Mark found him. 

 

Mark chuckles. “Your head is actually pretty small, if you wanna get into that, but that’s not what I meant.”

 

“You have a small head too, you know.” Donghyuck mutters, not wanting to address the real meaning behind Mark’s words. 

 

He has his science textbook open to the current chapter they’re learning, and he was actually getting some decent studying done before Mark decided to distract him. 

 

“Did something happen?”

 

Fuck Mark. Fuck Mark and his stupid sixth sense of knowing when there’s something wrong. Fuck Mark and his stupid big doe eyes that he knows he’ll see the second he looks up. Fuck Mark and his huge, caring heart that Donghyuck doesn’t deserve to be in.  _ Fuck Mark. _

 

Donghyuck sighs and closes his textbook, knowing he won’t actually get any more studying done. “I failed my science test.”

 

Mark’s eyebrows shoot upwards. “Failed? Like, failed failed?” 

 

Mark looks good today. He’s wearing a blue hoodie that’s a little too big for his frame, which ultimately leaves anyone who looks at him with an urge to cuddle. It makes it worse that his hair is all fluffed and wavy, as if he spent the day ruffling it with his hands. The whole look screams  _ Mark _ and Donghyuck has had enough of it. 

 

“Yes, I failed failed the test. That’s why my head is long.”

 

“That’s not what-“

 

“And do you want to know something worse than me failing a test?” Donghyuck talks right over Mark.

 

“What’s worse than you failing a test?” Mark actually looks concerned. God bless his heart. 

 

“Na Jaemin laughing at me because he heard that I failed a test.” Donghyuck had meant to say it as a joke, but it came out sounding as insecure as he feels, so he busies himself with flipping through his math folder, not in the mood to see pity in his friend’s eyes. 

 

An old notes sheet catches his eye from when he was learning about the quadratic formula. He smiles at all of the doodles he drew around the equations instead of actually solving them.  _ Hmm, maybe I do need to work harder.  _

 

“Wait, Jaemin actually laughed at you?” Mark sounds like he’s in disbelief. Donghyuck nods his head.  _ Tell me about it.  _ “Why is he so fucking annoying! Can he leave you alone for two seconds?”

 

Donghyuck looks up at the unexpected outburst to see Mark looking pissed. “Whoa Mark, it’s fine. Maybe if I wasn’t so dumb-“

 

“Stop. That’s not even something to laugh at!” Mark’s voice is getting louder with every word. Donghyuck’s sure people are looking. 

 

“Mark, you stop. I’m not even that mad about it. He can laugh at whatever he wants. It was just really embarrassing.” He feels his cheeks get hot again at the reminder. He moves on to his AP Gov folder. 

 

“You know he’s an actual piece of shit. Literal garbage. The scum on my shoe.”

 

“I know, Mark.”

 

“How can someone so horrible exist? His soul must be so ugly.”

 

“Mhmm.”

 

“And he has not one, but two boyfriends! What do they see in him?!”

 

Donghyuck has finally heard enough. He closes his Ap Gov folder with a  _ slap _ . “Mark, this isn’t making me feel any better.” There’s a bite behind his words, warning Mark to actually shut up about it. “I used to be best friends with them, you know. They’re not all that bad.” 

 

He doesn’t know why he feels offended at Mark saying such mean things about them, but he does and it’s bothering him. Even more than Jaemin laughing at him. 

 

Maybe too much sleep can also create bad days. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was shorter than usual but the next chapter is already in progress so keep ur eyes peeled!!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck stays moody after that.

Donghyuck stays moody after that. 

 

Marks watches as Donghyuck rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time since they’ve started their trek to gym. He can’t help but find it cute. Endearing. Adorable. Just so  _ Donghyuck.  _

 

It’s obvious the younger boy isn’t actually mad at him. Mark knows Donghyuck has had a rough day, whether he wants to admit it or not. His stubbornness is one of the main things Mark likes about him. Has he mentioned he’s endeared? 

 

Mark likes to play a game with himself where he sees how many times he can make Donghyuck laugh. Right now, it’s extremely difficult with the attitude Donghyuck keeps shooting at him, but Mark enjoys the challenge. He enjoys the witty banter they share together during moments like this. He enjoys this friendship so much.

 

Mark smiles as Donghyuck calls him an idiot. 

  
  


When Mark sees Jaemin in the locker room, he can’t hold back his sour facial expression. 

 

Donghyuck has gone silent as well, and Mark is willing to bet all of their classmates can feel the negative energy the both of them are exuding. Even Jeno tuns to give them a questioning look. Donghyuck rolls his eyes again. Mark bites back a smile. 

 

After changing, they walk out into the gym where they notice two huge goals set up at either end of the room.

 

Oh right.

 

Soccer. 

 

Mark had nearly forgotten that they’ve moved into the soccer unit. Their past couple of classes had consisted of learning the rules and techniques of the game, and their teacher has eagerly been awaiting the day they could finally have a class match. 

 

Donghyuck sighs from behind him. “I forgot today is the match. I was hoping we could just fuck around again with the balls.” He sounds so dejected, Mark can’t even find it in himself to make a dirty joke. 

 

Mark hums and leans his body towards the younger boy. “As long as we’re on the same team, it’ll be fine.”

 

They don’t end up on the same team. 

 

Coach randomly places everyone on teams, claiming an unorganized approach would make the game fair. Mark disagrees. 

 

Jeno and Donghyuck are on the same team, as well as Renjun, but everyone knows the first two are the best players in the class. Mark volunteers to be the goalie for his team, not wanting to do much. His limbs are long, he figures. How hard could it really be?

 

Apparently pretty fucking hard. 

 

Donghyuck and Jeno are ruthless with their scoring. To anyone else, they probably just look really passionate about the game, but Mark knows Donghyuck is trying to score more than Jeno, trying to let off steam from the F he received earlier. 

 

Mark feels for him, he really does, but he’d appreciate it if he’d stop aiming for his head. 

 

Jaemin is the only good defense on Mark’s team. There's a moment where Donghyuck is getting ready to score, but Jaemin's on him. Frustrated, Donghyuck tries to pass to Jeno, but Jaemin ends up stealing the ball anyway. Mark shakes his head.

 

Donghyuck now looks properly pissed. Mark’s breath gets caught in his throat. 

 

It’s wrong. It’s so wrong of Mark to be attracted to Donghyuck in a moment like this, but he can’t help it. The flushed look on his cheeks, tainting them pink. Pink, like his lips. Full lips that he keeps licking and biting in concentration between plays. 

 

Mark bites his lip, too. He watches as Donghyuck gets ready for the next play, bending his legs and leaning forward, shaking his sweaty bangs out of his eyes. His calves look good. Tan. Mark can’t help but wonder if the rest of Donghyuck is that tan.  

 

Coach blows the whistle, and Mark’s eyes follow as Donghyuck successfully gets hold of the ball. His movements and positioning are just so  _ sharp _ and  _ precise _ that it’s almost captivating to watch. Mark can’t look away. 

 

In fact, Mark is so caught up in watching the boy that he doesn’t pay attention to the ball at all, and Donghyuck ends up easily scoring. So much for being a goalie. 

 

Some members of his team give him an incredulous look, as if asking  _ how can you be that bad at being a goalie _ but Mark ignores them. It’s fucking gym class, not the world cup. 

 

Everything goes to shit in the next play. 

 

Donghyuck, talented as ever, secures the ball  _ again _ and begins to sprint down the gym, a clear path ahead. Mark gets ready to jump out of the way, not wanting to get hit by the ball  _ again _ with that much momentum behind it. 

 

Just as Donghyuck’s approaching the penalty box, Jaemin comes out of nowhere. He races full speed towards Donghyuck, clearly attempting to intercept. Neither of them stop. 

 

Jaemin slide tackles Donghyuck. 

 

Mark watches in slow motion as Jaemin’s leg sweeps in front of Donghyuck’s path, catching both of his ankles, sending Donghyuck to the ground with a  _ slam _ . 

 

There’s an audible gasp, and Mark belatedly realizes it was himself who did it. 

 

Time speeds up again as multiple things happen at once. Coach blows the whistle, the ball slams into the bleachers, and Donghyuck cries out. 

 

_ Donghyuck cries out. _

 

Mark’s feet are moving without his permission, and in the blink of an eye he’s crouching down next to Donghyuck. The boy is laying on his back, eyes pinched shut in pain. Mark can’t tell what hurts. 

 

“Hyuck, are you hurt?” His voice sounds panicked. He realizes that was a stupid question. “Tell me where you’re hurt.” He tries to remove the panic from his voice but he can’t. Donghyuck is hurt. Jaemin hurt Donghyuck.  _ Jaemin hurt Donghyuck. _

 

Before Donghyuck even has the chance to respond, Mark is standing up and marching towards Jaemin, who is standing off to the side. 

 

“What the fuck was that for?!” Mark yells, getting closer with every step. 

 

“I didn’t mean to-“ Jaemin tries to defend himself, but Mark’s not having it. 

 

“No. What the  _ literal fuck _ was that for, huh?!” He’s in his face now. 

 

“I was just trying to-“

 

“You hurt him on purpose!” Mark accuses, pushing Jaemin and sending him stumbling backwards into the wall. 

 

“I swear I didn’t!” Jaemin says as he holds his hands up. Mark sees red. 

 

“Yes you fucking did, you asshole!” 

 

“It was an accident, what the hell!”

 

“Mark and Jaemin, quit it right now!” Coach yells as he runs towards them. 

 

Mark says nothing else but continues to glare into Jaemin’s eyes, silently promising to kill him. The apologetic look on Jaemin’s face is almost believable. Almost.

 

“Coach, I really didn’t mean to hurt Donghyuck, I swear! I was just practicing the slide tackle we learned the other day.” Jaemin pleads to the teacher. Mark almost gags at how innocent he’s trying to sound. 

 

“It’s okay, Jaemin, accidents happen.” Coach says calmly, looking between both boys. Mark almost jumps in, but Coach continues. “The important thing is that Donghyuck’s okay.”

 

Mark’s head whips around. 

 

Donghyuck is still on the ground, but he’s sitting up, no pain evident on his face. He’s nodding to something Renjun is saying, who is sitting next to him with a hand placed on his back and a concerned look clouding his features. Mark runs over. 

 

“Hey,” He greets Donghyuck, cautiously eyeing Renjun and Jeno who are around him for  _ some reason _ . “Are you okay?”

 

Donghyuck looks up into Mark’s eyes and nods silently. There’s a quick flash of  _ leave it alone _ that Donghyuck seems to communicate through the look, but then he replaces it with a smile. 

 

The fakest smile Mark has ever seen. 

  
  


Coach quickly dismisses the class after that, giving everyone extra time to calm down from the chaos of the period. 

 

Donghyuck’s chest has never felt tighter. 

 

He  _ knows _ Jaemin targeted him on purpose. He  _ knows _ it wasn’t just an accident. His ex best friend actually hates him that much that he feels the need to physically attack him in class. And  _ everyone saw. _

 

The worst thing about feeling embarrassed is how the emotion seems to triple when someone brings attention to it. Of course it was sweet of Mark to worry, but he made too big of a deal out of it. Even Jeno and Renjun did, too. 

 

Sure, maybe Donghyuck’s left knee and wrist will both have some bruises, but it’s nothing to fret over. It’s just  _ embarrassing. _

 

_ I always look so weak in the eyes of others. _

 

Changing in the locker room is hard after that. Mark wants to stay by his side, but Donghyuck wants him to leave him alone. When he comes out of the bathroom stall, now dressed in his school clothes again, he makes a beeline for his bag and then he’s out the door. 

 

Only one period left. All he has to do is get through his Language Arts class and then he can go home and cry himself to sleep. In fact, he’s looking forward to it. 

 

But, as he’s finally walking out of the school doors, earbuds hanging from his phone as he looks for a playlist, he crosses paths with Mark. Again. 

 

Donghyuck internally sighs. It’s a Thursday so they didn’t make any plans together, but he can  _ feel _ how Mark is about to ask him something. 

 

“Hyuck-ah?” Mark calls from a couple meters to his left. Donghyuck could pretend he didn’t hear him, but he’s getting tired of pretending so much. 

 

Donghyuck looks over and locks eyes with Mark, letting him know he heard him. Mark offers a little smile and he just looks so  _ soft _ and  _ cute _ that Donghyuck has to scream in his mind to get himself together. 

 

“Do you want to come over?” Mark asks, now basically beside Donghyuck. They’re not walking in the direction of Mark’s car but apparently that doesn’t bother Mark. 

 

“I don’t know, Mark. I’m kind of tired. Was hoping to go home and nap.” Donghyuck responds with as much energy as he can muster. He doesn’t want to sound rude, but he’s craving the idea of being alone and in bed right now. Mark’s feelings can take one for the team. 

 

“Oh.” Mark says, and stops walking. This catches Donghyuck’s attention fast. It was so unlike Mark to just accept rejection like that. Donghyuck stops as well, and turns to face Mark. 

 

“We can do something tomorrow?” Donghyuck offers, feeling bad after seeing the lost look on Mark’s face. 

 

“Yeah, no, you’re right. You’ve had a rough day, you deserve some alone time. I just thought- I thought you’d enjoy company or something but that’s stupid.” Mark’s looking down at his feet, scuffing his shoes on the pavement as if he doesn’t know what else to do. 

 

Donghyuck feels extremely caught off guard right now. This isn’t how Mark normally acts. If anything, it’s always Donghyuck begging to make plans, not the other way around. 

 

But he’s  _ tired. _ He’s so tired right now that he really can’t be held accountable for the words that fall from his lips when he says, “Do you want to come to mine? You could do homework in the kitchen or something while I nap, and then afterwards we could get dinner together.”

 

Mark nods, still not making eye contact with the younger boy. “I’d like that.” 

 

A thought crosses Donghyuck’s mind.  _ Maybe Mark’s the one who doesn’t want to be alone right now. _ It makes his chest feel even tighter. He takes a deep breath and walks towards Mark, grabbing his arm and turning them in the direction of Mark’s car. “You’re not allowed to judge me for how messy my room is.”

 

Donghyuck sees Mark’s lips twitch out of the corner of his eye. He knows he made the right call. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall..... the next chapter is gonna be a RIDE please prepare


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What the fuck is a ‘cackleberry'?” 
> 
> “It’s another word for egg.” 
> 
> “That’s literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”  
> 
> Mark laughs and shakes his head. “Clearly you’ve never heard yourself say anything ever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! I'll explain in the ending notes, please enjoy!

When Donghyuck comes to, he notices how _warm_  he is, which is unusual for November. With the warmth comes pressure, and he freezes when he hears breathing.  

 

There’s someone in his bed with him.  

 

He tries to squash down the panic that attempts to take over him. Taking a deep breath, he flips around quickly to face the culprit, fight or flight mode activated. All tension leaves his body when he sees Mark’s sleeping face. He almost laughs when he thinks about it. _Who else would it be? Of course it’s Mark._  

 

Mark has his mouth partially open, breathing slowly and evenly like he’s been in a deep sleep for a while. His arms are wrapped around Donghyuck’s waist and Donghyuck can’t help but blush when he realizes how close they are.  

 

He so badly wants to check what time it is, but he can’t find a good enough reason to potentially wake Mark up. The position they’re in right now just feels so warm and safe, and _right_.  

 

Donghyuck had never thought he’d enjoy being this close to another person, but maybe Mark isn’t just another person.  

 

He lies there for a while, forgetting all his worries as it gradually gets darker outside. Donghyuck burns Mark’s face into his memory, wondering how someone so beautiful can exist right in front of him. The sun is almost set when Mark starts to wake, making the room a gloomy dark blue.  

 

Mark suddenly blinks his eyes awake, and Donghyuck quickly shuts his own, feigning sleep. He hears a sharp but quiet inhale, and feels Mark’s fingers brush his bangs out of his face. It feels like a weirdly intimate moment, and the fact that Mark doesn’t know Donghyuck is actually awake only fuels the weirdness. He pretends he doesn’t love it. 

 

Donghyuck opens his eyes, acting like he’s just waking up, and takes in the surprised expression the older is now wearing. He also notes the new blush sitting high on Mark’s face. _Cute_.  

 

“Good morning, Mark,” Donghyuck greets softly. There’s a smile tugging at his lips and he thinks he can see one on Mark’s face too.  

 

“It’s definitely not morning, Hyuck-ah,” comes Mark’s raspy voice, and Donghyuck promises himself to try to hear that voice as many times as possible.  

 

“Why are you in my bed?” Donghyuck asks with a teasing chuckle. He proudly watches as the blush on Mark’s face grows. _I did that_.  

 

“I finished all of my homework early and decided I needed to nap too, and your bed just looked so warm…” Mark’s voice trails off, along with his gaze down to the sheets. He looks like he wants the earth to swallow him whole. Donghyuck knows it was a little rude to put him on the spot like that, but Mark’s too cute to _not_  do it.  

 

“It’s okay,” Donghyuck can’t help but giggle. This whole scenario is just too perfect for him to believe. “I’m pretty sure the only reason it’s warm is because you’re here.” 

 

 _Oh._ That sounded less flirtatious in his head.  

 

Mark seems to be rendered speechless, if his wide eyes and ever reddening cheeks are anything to go by. It’s silent for a couple moments before Donghyuck coughs awkwardly and sits up, reaching over Mark to grab his phone. He checks the time, 6:53 p.m., but a notification catches his eye.  

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” The words are out of his mouth before he knows it, but he can’t process anything other than the words written on his screen.  

 

 ** _Injunnie:_** _can we talk?_  

 

Mark sits up as well, yawning before asking, “What?” and Donghyuck would’ve been disgustingly endeared if he wasn’t about to have a panic attack.  

 

Sensing his distress, Mark leans over and glances at his screen. He scoffs. “Is he fucking serious?” 

 

Donghyuck is relieved that Mark is just as upset as him, but that does’t help. “Sh-Should I? Talk to him?” He doesn’t even know why he’s asking. He shouldn’t be entertaining the thought of talking to any of them ever again.  

 

There’s always been a tiny part of Donghyuck that misses his old friends. They had so many good times. They knew everything about each other. He _misses_ them.  

 

“What do you think he wants to talk to you about?” Mark asks softly, probably aware of the emotional turmoil Donghyuck is going through inside his head.  

 

“M-Maybe what happened in gym class? It was really nice of him to help me. Or maybe he wants to talk about Jaemin? Or their relationship? What if they broke up because of how Jaemin’s been treating me? Or what if Renjun wants to tell me to fuck off and blame everything on me _again!?_  I bet he’s with Jeno and Jaemin right now and they’re planning to-“ His own lungs cut him off, restricting his airflow and sending shooting pain throughout his chest. He gasps, reaching out for anything to grab a hold of.  

 

Mark’s hand grabs his.  

 

“Donghyuck, breathe,” Mark says in a calming way. He didn’t even realize he fell onto Mark in his haste to inhale.  

 

(If Donghyuck was in his right mind, he would see that he’s leaning back onto Mark’s chest while they’re holding hands. He would also see how scared Mark looks. But he’s not.) 

 

Donghyuck clenches his hand around Mark’s, trying to inhale, but a broken sob comes out instead. He feels overwhelmed with the amount of thoughts swirling around his mind. It’s like they’re yelling at him all at once.  

 

“Mark, I can’t breathe,” Donghyuck all but wheezes. Too dizzy with lack of oxygen, he hardly notices when Mark repositions himself to be right in front of Donghyuck. 

 

“Hey,” he says softly, “hey, look at me. Look into my eyes.”  

 

Donghyuck barely comprehends the words, but manages to make eye contact. Mark’s eyes are wide with fear but there’s determination in them as well.  

 

“It’s okay. It’s all okay,” Mark’s breathy voice rings in his ears. “Believe me, everything’s okay.”  

 

Something in Mark’s voice begins to soothe Donghyuck, unlocking the ball of pressure constricting his chest. He gasps again, and when he finally gets ahold of his breath, he can’t hold back the tears of embarrassment.  

 

Mark knits his eyebrows as he watches the younger begin to sob. He pulls Donghyuck back down onto the bed, letting him cry it out. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck whispers into Mark’s chest, and positions his face to rest on the older’s collarbone.  

 

“It’s okay,” Mark repeats. They lie there like that for a while, the room eventually turning black as the sun fully sets and Donghyuck’s tears run out.  

 

 

 

“What the fuck is a ‘cackleberry'?” 

 

“It’s another word for egg.” 

 

“That’s literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”  

 

Mark laughs and shakes his head. “Clearly you’ve never heard yourself say anything ever.” 

 

Donghyuck throws him an unimpressed look. “You’ve had better jokes, Lee.”  

 

Mark just shrugs and accepts it.  

 

After finally getting out of bed, they had decided to head to a diner downtown. It’s an old place that’s been around since probably the beginning of time, but Donghyuck had never actually eaten there before. Of course, when Mark asked about what kind of place they should eat at, Donghyuck suggested somewhere they’ve both never eaten, which was basically everywhere for Mark. The diner was a good choice. Except now Donghyuck is judging the place for putting _cackleberry_ on the menu.  

 

The neon sign on the window next to them flickers a little. There’s a light buzzing sound coming from it as well, but it’s drowned out by the old music playing. Donghyuck loves the atmosphere so much, he has to squash the urge to take a picture of Mark. A perfect person in a perfect place.  

 

He takes a mental picture instead.  

 

A nice waiter comes over and takes their orders, but before he can walk away Mark stops him. “Oh, and can we also have an extra large chocolate milkshake, two straws?”  

 

Donghyuck’s heart flutters. _What?_  He silently looks at Mark with questioning eyes.  

 

Mark coughs awkwardly, “You know, to save money and stuff.”  

 

“Right,” Donghyuck responds, biting back a smile at the obvious lies.  

 

Movement behind Donghyuck catches Mark’s eye. He freezes as he sees Renjun and Jeno enter the diner, followed by Jaemin. They’re laughing at something, and at the sound of their laughter Donghyuck freezes too. _Fuck._   

 

There’s dread sitting at the bottom of Donghyuck’s stomach now. He smiles sadly, “I can’t even have one good thing, can I?”  

 

Mark’s heart breaks. “Just ignore them, Hyuck-ah. It’s only you and me, okay?” He reaches across the table and grabs Donghyuck’s hand.  

 

Donghyuck squeezes his hand in response, blinking back tears. It’s pathetic that something like this would make him cry, but he’s just so _upset_ about it. He was genuinely enjoying the night after getting over his panic attack. Every time he’s enjoying himself, something happens that snaps him back to reality. It feels like he can’t escape.  

 

Mark tries really hard to distract him, bringing up random topics like anime and schoolwork. Donghyuck can tell what Mark’s trying to do, so he pretends like he’s having a good time. It’s exhausting but it puts a smile on Mark’s face, so it’s worth it. He thinks it’s cute that Mark cares so much. 

 

Their food comes quickly; a burger for Mark and an omelet for Donghyuck. When the milkshake arrives, Mark shyly takes a sip before sliding it to the center of the table. “It’s good. You should try it.”  

 

Donghyuck feels his face heat up as he leans forward and uses the second straw to drink it. The cool sweetness hits his tongue instantly, making the younger smile. “Good choice, Lee.”  

 

Mark makes an exasperated noise. “You gotta stop calling me ‘Lee'. It’s weird because literally half the population has that last name, even you!” 

 

Donghyuck chuckles dryly. “Whatever you say, Lee.”  

 

They continue to eat and talk, but about halfway through their meal Mark’s eyes catch something again. This time, he watches as Jaemin gets up from his table and walks towards the bathrooms.  _I can’t even have one good thing, can I_  echoes through Mark’s mind.  

 

Donghyuck didn’t see Jaemin go into the bathroom.  

 

“I’ll be right back, I’m gonna use the bathroom.” Mark tells Donghyuck, already making his way out of the booth.  

 

“Okay, but it’s not my fault if the milkshake is gone when you’re back!” Donghyuck says as Mark’s walking away. He sighs and continues sipping the chocolatey beverage.  

 

Mark opens the bathroom door and quickly scans under the stalls to make sure no one is in them. Jaemin is standing at the sink washing his hands. Closing the door, Mark leans against it, blocking the only exit. He clears his throat and Jaemin immediately makes eye contact with him through the mirror.  

 

Turning the sink off and grabbing a paper towel, Jaemin turns around to face Mark. “Hi. Mark, is it?” 

 

“We’ve met.” Mark’s voice is sharp and cold, almost echoing in the silence of the bathroom. 

 

Jaemin looks at him for a moment before sighing, “Look-“ 

 

“No, _you_ look.” Mark cuts him off. “I don’t know what you have against Donghyuck, but I’m gonna need you to drop it.”  

 

Jaemin gulps. “What happened between me and Donghyuck is none of your business.” His voice is steady but his darting eyes give him away. Mark feels a surge of power. He's effectively intimidating him.  

 

“None of _my_ business?” Mark takes a step forward. “What happened between you and Donghyuck became my business when _you_ decided to turn his only friends against him.” 

 

“I never-“ 

 

“You need to get over yourself, Jaemin.” Mark continues walking up to him. “Slut shaming isn’t cool anymore. It’s the twenty-first century. Caring about your friends is a thing now.” 

 

“Please get away from me,” Jaemin says, voice small. 

 

Mark scoffs and keeps getting closer. “I’m not listening to anything you say until you admit you’re in the wrong.” 

 

Jaemin doesn’t say anything else, keeping his eyes on the ground as Mark fully approaches him. 

 

Mark leans in to Jaemin’s left side and whispers, “You’re a coward, Na Jaemin.”  

 

A stuttered sob echoes around the bathroom, and Mark takes a step back in shock as Jaemin starts to cry. “Okay!” Jaemin basically yells. “You’re right! I’m a horrible fucking person!” He hiccups as he tries to stop crying but the tears keep coming.  

 

“What-“ Mark tries, but Jaemin keeps going. 

 

“I can’t even begin to explain what I’ve been feeling all this time. Jeno and Injunnie have tried to understand but I don’t even understand it myself, so can you please just drop it! We get it! I suck!” 

 

Mark scoffs. “Well, yeah, but don’t make this about you. This is about Donghyuck.” 

 

That just makes Jaemin cry harder. Mark has never been more confused in his life. “I know this isn’t about me, I never wanted it to be about me!”  

 

“Then why did you say all that shit to Donghyuck?” Mark asks, heart beating in suspense of the answer he’s been waiting for this whole time. 

 

Jaemin continues to sniffle as he tries to get his crying under control. He looks up at the ceiling for a moment, getting himself together, before speaking. “I-“ 

 

“What the fuck is going on here?” 

 

Mark silently curses as he turns to face Jeno, who apparently just walked in. He _knew_ he shouldn’t have left the door unblocked.  

 

“Jeno, it’s okay.” Jaemin says defeatedly.  

 

“Why are you crying?” Jeno rushes past Mark to put his arm around Jaemin, comforting him. He shoots a glare at Mark. “What did you say to him?” 

 

“I simply asked why he’s so dead set on ruining Donghyuck’s life,” Mark says, shrugging. He feels no sympathy.  

 

“Don’t you think that’s a little dramatic?” Jeno asks with irritation in his voice.  

 

“I had to literally talk Donghyuck through a panic attack earlier because your _boyfriend_  decided to text him and overwhelm him with anxiety. So I don’t know, Jeno, am I being dramatic?” The reality of Mark’s words seem to really hit Jaemin as he begins crying harder into Jeno’s side.  

 

“Hey,” Jeno says softly to Jaemin, ignoring Mark. “Hey, are you okay?” Worry is laced in his voice.  

 

Jaemin just nods sadly, wiping his face from the tears. “God, I’m gonna need so much therapy after this.” He attempts to laugh but it gets caught in his throat. Jeno tightens his hold.  

 

Mark rolls his eyes. “Uh huh, right. Just, please, never say anything to Donghyuck ever again, okay?” 

 

Jaemin quickly shakes his head. “No. No, actually I want to talk to him. Now.” 

 

“Now?! Are you crazy?!” Mark’s voice raises in pitch. “Earlier today you literally attacked him, and now you suddenly want to be his friend?” 

 

“I need to apologize.” He looks into Marks eyes, pleading. “I don’t want him to be upset because of me anymore.” 

 

Mark laughs at that. “A little too late.” 

 

Jaemin deflates, looking even more sad than before. Mark’s confusion grows.  

 

“Minnie, how about we all talk? As a group? That way Mark is there for Donghyuck and Injunnie and I will be there for you,” Jeno suggests.  

 

“I wasn’t even gonna let them talk alone anyway,” Mark adds.  

 

“Perfect, let’s go now.” Jeno begins to head towards the door.  

 

“Really? After the day Donghyuck had? No thanks.” Mark moves to block the door once again.  

 

“And who are you to decide for him?” Jeno looks him up and down, unimpressed. 

 

Mark pauses. He hates to admit it, but Jeno’s right. He is in no position to decide anything for Donghyuck. He steps aside, letting Jeno and Jaemin leave, silently praying that this doesn’t make things worse.  

 

 

 

“Wait, what?” Donghyuck asked, not believing what Mark had just said.  

 

“I ran into Jaemin in the bathroom and I think he wants to apologize.” Mark calmly repeats. Donghyuck turns his head to look at the table Jaemin was previously sitting at with his boyfriends, but it’s deserted. “They went back to Jeno’s house and asked us to meet them there,” Mark continues, “but you can say no.”  

 

“I want to go.” Donghyuck says instantly. Mark furrows his eyebrows.  

 

“Are you sure? You didn’t even think about it.” 

 

Donghyuck rapidly nods his head. “Yes, I’m sure. I don’t need to think about anything.” He starts to pull money from his wallet to pay for their food.  

 

“Whoa, hold on.” Mark quickly says, in disbelief at how fast Donghyuck agreed. “You actually want to hear him out? Na Jaemin- your slut shaming, slide tackling ex best friend?” 

 

Donghyuck slams the money on the table and looks up at Mark. “Exactly. We used to be best friends. I _know_  him, Mark. I know this apology is going to be meaningful.”  

 

Mark sighs. “I just don’t want you to get hurt again. When Renjun texted you about talking, you couldn’t handle it. Now Jaemin wants to talk and suddenly you’re up and at ‘em?”  

 

“I was actually considering texting Renjun back,” Donghyuck admits, "but going to talk to them now would definitely be better.”  

 

Mark goes silent. He’ll never be able to figure Donghyuck out. The unpredictability of his actions keeps throwing him off. He’s never met anyone this complex. (He loves it.).  

 

Donghyuck gets up, making his way out of the diner and into Mark’s car. Mark reluctantly follows, turning off the radio as soon as he starts the car.  

 

The drive is full of tension.  

 

Donghyuck’s leg won’t stop bouncing. He’s just so _anxious._ The situation he’s about to be in is so  _unpredictable._  Will they make up? Will they fight again? Will anything get resolved? All he can hope for is no tears. If he cries in front of someone one more time, he might as well just give away any dignity he has left.  

 

He belatedly realizes that Mark never asked for Jeno’s address. When they pull up to the house, Donghyuck asks, “How did you know where to go?” 

 

Mark turns to face him. “I’ve dropped you off here before.” _Oh._ The memories of the last time he was here hit him like a truck. Mark gives him a tight lipped smile. “Are you sure you want to do this?”  

 

Donghyuck takes a deep breath and looks up at the house before them. He sees his childhood. “I’m sure.”  

 

Knocking on the front door isn’t as dramatic as he thought it’d be. There’s an awkward silence between the time he knocks and the time Jeno answers that seems to stretch on for hours. Mark coughs and shivers as the cold wind picks up. Donghyuck just stares at the door knob, willing it to turn.  

 

It turns. Jeno’s face appears in front of him.  

 

“Hi,” Jeno says seriously, “thanks for coming.” He opens the door wider and steps aside to let them in. Donghyuck feels like an intruder.  

 

When they turn the corner into the living room, they’re greeted with the sight of a sad Jaemin sitting with his head in his hands and a concerned Renjun sitting next to him, rubbing his back. Uneasiness settles in Donghyuck’s stomach.  

 

Jeno gestures to a loveseat for Mark and Donghyuck to sit down on, and then goes to join his boyfriends on the couch.  

 

There’s another awkward silence as they all just sit there, either looking at their hands or the coffee table in the center of the room, avoiding everyone’s eyes. Jeno is the first to clear his throat.  

 

“Minnie, was there something you wanted to say to Hyuckie?”  

 

Donghyuck and Jaemin’s heads shoot up at the same time. Donghyuck’s heart squeezes at the endearing nickname Jeno just called him. Jaemin’s eyes are filled with fear, but he nods and wrings his hands together.  

 

“Yeah. I- Uh.” He gulps. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want it.”  

 

The _it_ that Jaemin didn’t want could be a billion different things. He didn’t want their argument? He didn’t want this conversation to take place? He didn’t want— _Wait._  

 

Donghyuck speaks slowly. “Jaeminnie… it’s okay. You can say it.”  

 

Jaemin locks eyes with him. Their eyes are both beginning to fill with tears, but Donghyuck blinks them back. “I don’t want to say it,” Jaemin whispers.  

 

Donghyuck feels surges of several emotions. _Anger_ for the fact that Jaemin actually has the audacity to sit here and act like a coward after everything he’s put Donghyuck through. _Sadness_  for the fact that his best friend went through the same thing as him. _Annoyance_  for the fact that he himself didn’t even think of this possibility. _Longing_  for the need to comfort him, because he knows how it feels.  

 

 _He knows how it feels_.  

 

“Jaemin, trust me. You have to say it.”  

 

Jaemin shakes his head. A tear rolls down his cheek. “No-“ 

 

“Jaemin!” Donghyuck yells, startling Mark next to him.  

 

“Fine!” Jaemin yells back. “I was raped! I didn’t want it!” He sobs, “I didn’t fucking want it!” He turns to cry into Jeno’s shoulder.  

 

Beside him, he hears Mark let out a quiet _no fucking way_ and honestly Donghyuck can relate. He’s having trouble holding back his tears, but he looks up at Jeno and Renjun and asks, “Did you two know about this?” 

 

They share a look between each other, both rubbing Jaemin’s back. Renjun speaks up. “We had our suspicions.”  

 

At that, Jaemin lifts his head from Jeno’s shoulder, looking confused. “What?” He sniffles. "Why didn’t you say anything?” 

 

“We wanted you to come to us first, honey.” Jeno says before kissing his cheek. Donghyuck catches Mark rolling his eyes and nudges him with his elbow for being rude.  

 

“ _What?”_  Mark whispers to Donghyuck while the other three continue having their moment.  

 

“ _Can you not be an asshole right now?”_ Donghyuck whispers back.  

 

“I just don’t believe this is actually happening,” Mark says at normal volume, full of attitude.  

 

“Sorry, did you want to say something?” Renjun shoots at Mark, mirroring his attitude.  

 

“Yes, actually. I’d like to point out how _absurd_  it is for Jaemin to claim he was raped that night.” Jaemin makes a choking sound but Mark continues. “He bragged about it. He made Donghyuck feel like shit. He slut shamed and blamed and put Donghyuck through _hell._ That’s not exactly how someone who was raped as well would act.” 

 

“Alright, Mr. Know-It-All, thank you for that meaningless opinion. Now get out of my boyfriend’s house,” Renjun replies, glaring a hole through Mark’s face.  

 

Mark stands. “Kind of hypocritical for you to kick me out when I say it, but continue dating Jaemin when he said it to Donghyuck.” 

 

Renjun jumps to his feet. “Shut the fuck-“ 

 

“He’s right.” Jaemin’s voice is weak, but it still gets everyone’s attention. “I was horrible to you,” he looks at Donghyuck, “and there’s no excuse other than the fact that I’m selfish.” 

 

“Jaem-“ Jeno tries. 

 

“No, let me explain.” Jaemin takes a breath. “I didn’t want to have sex that night. W-Well, I did, but not with those guys.” He visibly shivers. “It was just supposed to be us four having fun, putting on a show or something. But, when I saw you with one of the guys, I thought _why not_. I hated it. I hated every second but I didn’t back out because _you_  were right next to me, and I didn’t want to ruin your night.” 

 

Donghyuck can’t hold back his tears anymore. “Why did you-“ 

 

“I knew you didn’t have any fun at that party, Hyuck. I did it for you. I thought I was doing something nice. But when you came to us and told us you didn’t want it either, I didn’t know how to handle it. I put myself through that for you and it turned out to be for nothing! I nearly lost my mind.” Jaemin chuckles humorlessly, tears dripping down his face. He sniffles and offers a watery smile. “I’m selfish as fuck. I deflected my emotions onto you when you needed me.” He looks down. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”  

 

Donghyuck is sure the sound of his heart breaking is audible. He chokes on a sob as he collapses in on himself, hiding his face in his hands. This changes  _everything._  

 

Mark finally sits back down and puts his arm around Donghyuck, but Donghyuck pushes him off. Mark makes a confused sound, but Donghyuck speaks before he can say anything. “Jaeminnie, I forgive you. I’m sorry you felt like you had to do that for me.”  

 

“Please, don’t just forgive me like that. I was _so unfair_  to you,” Jaemin says through a new round of tears, shaking his head.  

 

Mark watches closely as Donghyuck stands up and walks over to Jaemin, pulling him into a hug. They just clutch onto each other for a moment, mutually sniffling as they try to get themselves together. Mark doesn’t understand. How could Donghyuck forgive him so easily? 

 

Donghyuck pulls back from the hug and looks Jaemin dead in the eyes. “Are you okay, though?”  

 

Jaemin nods, looking earnest. “Yeah. I don’t really think about it that much, it’s just something I’ve lived through. I don’t let it affect me.” He then looks down at the floor in shame. “But I’m sorry for letting it affect our friendship.”  

 

Donghyuck bites his lip, holding back new tears that are threatening to swell in his eyes. He’s so _relieved_ that Jaemin doesn’t seem to be experiencing any symptoms of PTSD. “It’s okay, Minnie. I get it now, and you apologized. That’s all that matters.”  

 

Jaemin quickly pulls Donghyuck back into another bone crushing hug. “Thank you.”  

 

They separate and go back to their seats. Jaemin rests his head on Renjun’s shoulder, seemingly exhausted from the crying. Donghyuck sits as far from Mark as the loveseat allows, which honestly isn’t that far, but Mark notices.  

 

Mark scratches the back of his neck. “I’d like to say sorry, I guess.” All eyes move to him. “For, you know, trying to square up in the bathroom without knowing the full story.”  

 

Renjun narrows his eyes. Jaemin smiles sadly and says, “It’s okay, we wouldn’t be here right now if that didn’t happen.”  

 

Mark nods in response and the conversation stops there. Donghyuck feels weird. He needs to confront the other issues.  

 

“Jeno, Renjun,” he starts, “I don’t know why you guys chose Jaemin over me.” His voice breaks with honesty.  

 

Jeno and Renjun look caught off guard, as if they weren’t expecting him to say that.  

 

“Y-You told us not to talk to you,” Jeno says quickly. “You wanted us to stay away from you, and I thought it was the least we could do after being such shitty friends.” 

 

Renjun nods in agreement. “We knew how stressed the situation made you, and we didn’t want to add our friendship drama on top of that. We wanted to give you space.” 

 

Jeno looks down. “Sorry for making you think we chose Jaeminnie over you. We never stopped caring about you.”  

 

Donghyuck furrows his brow. _Technically_ that makes sense, but he’s still really upset about it. He doesn’t want to admit his true feelings, though, because it's selfish. If he said he wanted them to chase him after literally telling them to leave him alone, he would sound crazy.  

 

Looking at their guilty faces, he decides to spare making them feel worse. “It’s alright, guys. Thank you for giving me space when I asked for it.” He feels Mark stiffen next to him.  

 

Jaemin stifles a yawn, which makes Jeno glance at his phone. “Maybe we should call it a night, guys. My parents will be home in a few.”  

 

They all stand and shuffle towards the door, though Mark and Donghyuck are the only ones actually leaving.  

 

“Thank you guys for explaining everything,” Donghyuck says one last time. He values their honesty so much. 

 

“No, thank _you_ for forgiving me after being the biggest douche bag on the planet,” Jaemin laughs, eyes heavy with the need for sleep.  

 

“What are friends for?” Donghyuck jokes, falling back into their old flow of banter. It feels great.  

 

They all share sappy smiles (excluding Mark), happy to be on the same page again. After a final goodbye, Mark and Donghyuck make their way down the driveway to the elder's parked car.  

 

When Mark starts driving, he’s a little more rough than usual. He hits the gas a little harder, hits the breaks a little harder, and overall drives a little worse. Donghyuck takes one look at him and figures it’s the way he’s so tense.  

 

The silence is unbearable.  

 

“What’s wrong?” Donghyuck finally asks.  

 

Mark tightens his grip on the steering wheel. “I just think it’s so fucked up that he blamed you again.” 

 

Donghyuck tilts his head. “What? No, he didn’t.” 

 

Mark scoffs. “He literally said he got raped for you, Hyuck. How is that not fucked up?” 

 

Donghyuck’s heart stops. How could Mark think that? “He didn’t mean it like that!” 

 

“Then tell me what he meant, Donghyuck.” The anger in Mark’s voice is something he’s never heard before.  

 

“He meant he got raped, Mark, and that’s nobody’s fault but the person who raped him,” Donghyuck says in a finalizing tone. Then, he adds, “I can’t believe you accused him of lying. _That’s_ the only fucked up part.” He turns his body away from Mark to face the window, not even wanting to see him at the moment.  

 

A minute passes before Mark speaks again. “You deserve better friends than them.” 

 

Donghyuck closes his eyes as anger rolls through his body. “Please, just stop talking and drive me home.”  

 

“How could you forgive them after those pathetic apologies?” Mark continues, not seeing how angry it’s making Donghyuck. " _We knew how stressed the situation made you, and we didn’t want to add our friendship drama on top of that. We wanted to give you space,”_  Mark says in his best imitation of Renjun, “I mean, seriously, what kind of bullshit is that?” 

 

Donghyuck takes a deep breath as he tries to control his rage. _I’m not going to say anything. I don’t have to explain myself to him. I-_  

 

“You told me you didn’t mean it when you asked them to leave you alone. How can you accept those half-assed apologies?” Mark sighs. “I just wish you knew your worth.”  

 

Donghyuck squeezes his fists by his sides. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he says through clenched teeth. He can’t think about the semantics. He has his friends back, and that’s all that matters. 

 

“Okay, but don’t come crying to me when they pull something like this again.”  

 

Donghyuck laughs. He fully laughs, throwing his head back and clutching his side. Mark stops at a red light which just so happens to be around the corner from Donghyuck’s house.  

 

“You know what, Mark,” Donghyuck says, unbuckling, “maybe I won’t.”  

 

Despite not having a jacket, he opens the car door and gets out, deciding to walk the rest of the way home.  

 

“Hyuck-ah, wait!” Mark calls after him. He hears the sound of the driver’s side door opening, and without even turning around he breaks into a run.  

 

Mark never catches him.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all ffhdjkghf the reason I took forever to update is because my life changed so much. I now work on a cruise ship in Hawaii. I feel like that explains it all. Anywho, please leave comments with your thoughts! I love when you guys tell me how you feel. It fuels my motivation to write. Also I feel like there will be soooo maaannnnyyy opinions about this chapter. Give it to me. 
> 
> (what if i were to start another fic about mark working on a cruise ship and donghyuck being a passenger.... just wondering if anyone is interested in reading that... i think about it a lot when i'm working ok)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your face is loud enough, Injunnie.” Says Jaemin with a glint of humor in his eyes.
> 
>  
> 
> “Was that a compliment? It felt like a compliment.” Renjun fires back.
> 
>  
> 
> Jaemin tilts his head. “You like being loud?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry that my updates are so spaced out, I'm still working all day every day so it's a little hard to find the time to write. Don't worry though, because here's the next chapter!

“Donghyuck!”

 

_There are hands everywhere, holding him down, keeping him from running like he so badly wants. He feels open and exposed in the worst ways. It’s dark and he can’t see anything, but he knows where he is. He always knows. He screams as pain blossoms from his-_

 

“Donghyuck! Wake up!”

 

Donghyuck’s eyes shoot open. He can’t breathe. There’s a presence right in front of him. His mind is a mantra of _leavemealone stopstopstop._ Panting, he sits up and pushes at the person in his bed. He wants them _out._

 

“Stop! Donghyuck, it’s me!” The voice sounds oddly like his mother. He doesn’t get it.

 

Scooting backwards, he curls himself into the corner of his bed, shielding his face and body. He can’t help the cries that fall from his lips as he realizes he has no place to escape. Whoever’s in the room with him can do whatever they want with him. His throat involuntarily closes and he chokes.

 

“Hyuck-ah, baby, what’s happening?” The soft voice of his mother breaks him out of it.

 

He still can’t breathe, but he opens his eyes to meet his mother’s fearful ones. Emotion hits Donghyuck as he finally recognizes where he is; in his own room, safe, with his mother sitting right in front of him.

 

Relief washes over him in waves, making him sob at the feeling. _I’m safe._

 

“Yes, baby, you’re safe. It’s all okay.” His mother says, still sitting at the foot of his bed. _I said that out loud?_

 

Sniffling, he sits up and unwraps his arms from around his body. He takes a couple deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself. He’s still wildly shaking and can’t control his breathing, but at least he’s not scared anymore.

 

Silence rings around the room, the only sound being the hitching of Donghyuck’s breath. A moment passes. Two. Then, finally, Donghyuck’s mother speaks again.

 

“Did you have a nightmare?” That’s pretty funny. If not a nightmare, what else would he have experienced?

 

Now, Donghyuck is confronted with a huge decision. This is the perfect opportunity to tell his mom everything. _Everything_. He clears his throat but his voice still comes out raspy. “Yeah.”

 

That’s all she gets, he decides. No elaboration, just confirmation.

 

“Are you okay?” She scoots closer, putting a comforting hand on his ankle.

 

He flinches. “Yeah.”

 

She has so much worry in her gaze that Donghyuck literally can’t look at her, and he _knows_ she’s aware he’s hiding something.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

His breathing hitches again, and he squeezes his hands into fists. He has to physically hold himself back from crying again, because this is just _ridiculous._ He should tell her, she deserves to know, but he doesn’t want to hurt her. He can’t _._

 

He shakes his head as he sniffles and blinks back the pool of tears that so badly want to fall. He can feel her staring at him, hoping he’ll look up and meet her gaze. But he _can’t._ If he does, he’s sure he’ll end up spilling everything.

 

She doesn’t say anything for a long minute, just looking at him, probably giving him a chance to change his mind. He doesn’t, though.

 

“We should go back to sleep,” she says softly, “it’s nearly 3am and you have school tomorrow.” She stands but doesn’t move anywhere, still looking at him.

 

Donghyuck just nods and continues to look down. “Okay, goodnight.” His voice is still raspy. He assumes he was screaming. _She must be so fucking worried._

 

“Goodnight, Donghyuck-ah.” Slowly but surely, she makes her way to his bedroom door. With one last glance, she leaves, closing it silently.

 

He sits there for a minute, mind and body numb, not really sure what just happened. There’s pressure building in his chest, making him breathe rapidly again. Only this time, it’s not panic. It’s sadness.

 

He grabs his pillow and stuffs his face in it, sobbing into the material of his pillowcase and muffling his cries. He can’t believe he didn’t tell her. Out of everyone in the world, she’s probably the only person who deserves to know. He’s just not ready for the mess that will come afterwards.

 

It’s a selfish move, but maybe everyone needs to be selfish every once in a while.

 

When Donghyuck opens his eyes the next morning, he doesn’t want to get out of bed. There’s no real reason, other than the fact that he’s just not in the mood to exist today.

 

Dismissing the thought of skipping school, he gets up. Too many days have already been marked absent on his record for this year. If there are any more, they’ll start handing out detentions. He knows he’s changed a lot this year, but getting a detention is _not_ something else he’d like to add.

 

He realizes he’s dissociating when he reaches for his phone only to see that he already moved it from the charger to his dresser. He doesn’t recall doing that. In fact, he doesn’t remember getting ready at all. _So it’s going to be one of those days today. Alright._

 

He has 10 minutes to eat breakfast. When he walks into the kitchen and sees his mother sitting at the table, anxiety swirls in his gut. Memories of last night flash through his mind. She must _really_ be worried about him if she woke up early for him.

 

Acting as casual as possible, he prepares a bowl of cereal for himself. His movements are a little stiff and jerky, and he catches her eye lingering on him a little, but its normal, nonetheless. They say their good mornings, but that’s it. It’s not until he’s seated at the table, halfway through his cereal before his mother says something.

 

“So, who’s Minjun?”

 

Donghyuck chokes. He literally chokes on his cereal. There’s milk in his lungs and a fruit loop stuck in his throat, but his mother just looks at him with wide, questioning eyes.

 

It takes him a minute to recover from the choking. When he’s finally got himself under control, there are tears in his eyes from all the harsh coughing his throat just had to endure. He braces himself on the table, not looking into her eyes as he finally responds in an unusually high voice. “What?”

 

“I asked who Minjun is.” She says simply. It’s so innocent and blunt, which makes Donghyuck inwardly laugh, because she clearly doesn’t understand the weight behind that question. But that’s Donghyuck’s fault.

 

He swallows, thankful for the numb feeling he woke up with. It’s so prominent that he’s not even panicking. _That’s probably not okay_. “Where did you get that name from?” He asks in a surprisingly calm way, voice coming out a little scratchy. He still hasn’t looked her in the eye.

 

“You were screaming it last night during your nightmare.”

 

Donghyuck closes his eyes as the first wave of panic hits him. _Fuck._

 

“I have to go to school.” He says quickly, hopping off the stool and tossing his bowl into the sink. He knows it’s immature to just ignore her like that, but he _really does_ have to get to school. Technically.

 

He grabs his backpack and heads to the door. As he’s sliding on his shoes, his mother walks up behind him. He can feel her presence looming over him, sort of like a guardian angel. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right Hyuck-ah? We’re a team.”

 

_Yikes. She hasn’t said that since the divorce._

 

He looks her in the eye for the first time all morning. Love and care is looking back at him. His chest hurts.

 

“I know, Mom. We’re a team.” He agrees, giving her a smile that’s supposed to make her believe everything’s okay. She smiles back, but it looks pained. His throat tightens up and he forces himself to move before he starts crying.

 

He breathes a sigh of relief as he exits the apartment building. _It’s okay,_ he tells himself. _She’ll forget all about this if I avoid her long enough. It’s okay._ The farther the building gets, the smaller the problem feels.

 

A text makes his phone vibrate in his pocket. Pulling it out, he opens the notification which brings him to the ’00 group chat.

 

 **_Injunnie:_ ** _yall can we meet b4 homeroom_

 

 **_Jeno:_ ** _sure_

 

 **_Jaeminnie:_ ** _usual spot?_

 

 **_Injunnie:_ ** _yeah_

 

Donghyuck sighs and types his reply.

 

 **_Hyuck:_ ** _see ya!_

 

Their usual spot was the corner of a hallway that’s exactly equal distance between all of their lockers. It was out of sight from most people, save the one short row of lockers directly across from the small corner. They had accidentally met up there on their first day of high school, awkwardly trying to navigate the weird layout of the new building and choosing to hideout there until the crowd died down. Since then, that’s where they’ve always met up.

 

When Donghyuck arrives at school, he first stops at his locker to get everything he needs for the day.

 

An eerie feeling surrounds him as he stares into his locker and takes a second to process how different today is going to be. He finally has his friends back, which means he can finally walk through the halls worry-free. So why does he still feel worried? Irritated, he slams his locker shut.

 

As he begins his walk to the meet up spot, the reason steps out in front of him.

 

Mark.

 

Donghyuck can see Renjun already waiting at the end of the hallway, but Mark’s body blocks his line of sight as he notices Donghyuck. His big eyes become even bigger with recognition as he locks onto Donghyuck, and immediately beelines towards him.

 

Donghyuck internally curses, feeling caught. He doesn’t think he’s ready for this. He didn’t even think about what he wanted to say to Mark.

 

He tries to avoid eye contact, but Mark walks right up to him. Donghyuck can almost feel the anxiety radiating off of Mark as soon as he’s close enough. It feels like they just stepped into their own bubble.

 

“Donghyuck, please—“

 

“Mark, not now—“

 

“I’m sorry, you need to know I’m sorry for what I said yesterday.” Mark rushes out before Donghyuck can even move. He looks up into Marks eyes and takes in his tired appearance.

 

He’s wearing a t-shirt which is a little askew on his shoulders, leaving his left collarbone a lot more exposed than his right. His hair is messier than usual, looking like he didn’t even try to tame it. Under his big, round eyes are even bigger bags, tinted blue with lack of sleep. Donghyuck swallows, feeling put off by how effortlessly hot Mark can be.

 

Donghyuck sighs. “It’s okay, Mark.”

 

Mark raises an eyebrow. “What?” He asks, voice pitching. “It’s not okay. I literally stayed up all night worrying about how I can make it up to you because what I said was really out of pocket.”

 

Donghyuck pulls his sweater paws down. Mark’s eyes follow the movement. He closes his eyes for a second, using any remaining energy to gather his thoughts. “What you said yesterday wasn’t okay, but the fact that you immediately apologized for it is what made me forgive you.” He bites his lip before continuing. Mark’s eyes also choose to follow that movement. “I wasn’t even that upset over it, I just had to leave before I said something I’d regret, you know?”

 

Mark’s eyes are still on Donghyuck’s lips as he nods in response. “Yeah, I know.”

 

Donghyuck smiles, a real genuine smile, happy to have cleared that up. It felt easier than he thought it’d be. “I gotta go, see you in photography?”

 

Mark smiles back, laughing a little. “Yeah, I’ll see you.”

 

He watches Mark’s retreating figure, feeling his heart flutter for the umpteenth time at how caring the older is. Everything feels right with him. He happily exhales before turning around to finally make it to the meet up spot.

 

He’s greeted with three pairs of eyes staring at him knowingly.

 

Renjun smirks, and Donghyuck rolls his eyes in response, still smiling. “Shut up.”

 

Renjun throws his hands up. “I didn’t even say anything!”

 

“Your face is loud enough, Injunnie.” Says Jaemin with a glint of humor in his eyes.

 

“Was that a compliment? It felt like a compliment.” Renjun fires back.

 

Jaemin tilts his head. “You like being loud?”

 

Renjun’s face immediately flares up red in embarrassment. He opens his mouth, searching for a response, but Jeno beats him to it.

 

“We both know he does, Jaems.”

 

Renjun chokes while Donghyuck’s eyes widen at hearing about his friends’ sex lives. That’s probably the last thing he ever wanted to think about.

 

“Anyway,” Renjun continues, face still red, “I wanted to meet here so we could talk about our holiday party without any teachers overhearing.”

 

Donghyuck furrows his brows. “What holiday party?”

 

“Oh, right, you don’t know.” Renjun awkwardly laughs. “We decided to throw a party to start off the holiday break.”

 

Holiday break is only two weeks away. Donghyuck looks around to his other friends and finds them all nodding along. _Okay._

 

“We’re inviting _everyone._ It’s gonna be a night to remember, I swear.” Jaemin adds.

 

“Everyone?” Donghyuck asks. “Even that weird girl that eats her hair?” He thinks her name is Yeri.

 

“Alright, maybe not everyone.”

 

“Everyone that matters!” Jeno corrects.

 

Jaemin turns to him. “Jen, honey, that sounds kind of rude.”

 

“Yeah, it’s like you’re implying there are people in our grade who don’t matter.” Renjun says, sounding offended.

 

Jeno pouts. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

“Awww! It’s okay baby!” Jaemin yells, tackling Jeno into a hug, as if not being able to stand seeing his boyfriend pout. Renjun is laughing at them with adoring eyes.

 

“You guys are so gross.” Donghyuck says, only half meaning it. They’re actually really cute, but Donghyuck would rather die than tell them that. He has a reputation to uphold.

 

“Says the one who was literally shooting heart eyes at Mark not even five minutes ago.” Jaemin replies, still hugging Jeno.

 

Heat blooms across his cheeks. Before Donghyuck can respond, the bell rings, signaling for them to go to homeroom.

 

When they sit down (in their _usual_ seats, which makes Donghyuck bite back a smile because things are _finally_ back to normal), Renjun pulls out a piece of paper.

 

“We’re making a list of people to personally invite, and we’ll just tell these people to bring whoever they want.” He says.

 

“What if the whole school shows up?” Donghyuck asks worriedly. “Where are we even hosting this?”

 

“My house!” Jeno supplies. “My parents are going on a skii trip and they’re not taking me, so my revenge will be to throw an absolute _banger_.”

 

Jaemin giggles like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard.

 

“Alright, I’m done writing my people, your turn.” Renjun says, handing the paper to Jaemin.

 

When Jaemin is done, he hands it to Jeno.

 

By the time Donghyuck gets it, the homeroom announcements are already well underway, but he pays no mind as he reads the list.

 

_party people!!!!!!!_

  * _felix_
  * _hyunjin_
  * _eunbin_
  * _jisung_
  * _seungmin_
  * _heejin_
  * _sunwoo_
  * _eric_
  * _dayun_
  * _hwall_
  * _hyeyeon_
  * _sanha_
  * _jinyoung_
  * _gowon_
  * _soobin_



 

Donghyuck thinks that’s a good group of people. He tries, but he can’t come up with anyone else to add. He doesn’t really care that much either.

 

Taking one last look at the list, he quickly scribbles down a name, before handing it back to Renjun.

 

  * _mark_



 

Renun’s eyes shine as he looks over the paper. “This is gonna be so great, guys.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.., as u can see hyuck 4gave mark super fast............. any thoughts? 
> 
>  
> 
> ps i started writing the cruise fic! i'll probably write and upload the whole thing in one go that way i don't have two fics that i'm regularly updating. so. expect the cruise fic to drop in like a month or two.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mark is stupid." Donghyuck declares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! i had this chapter written for so long but i haven't had wifi to upload it until now, sorry!

It’s a week before the party when Donghyuck finally decides to bring it up to Mark. 

 

Starbucks is surprisingly slow this evening, leaving Donghyuck with lots of down time to clean. That’s literally the last thing he wants to do, despite how many times Sicheng tells him it’s his job. As usual, Mark is sitting in the corner of the café, studying for all the tests they’re about to have right before break. He’s wearing a huge oversized sweatshirt that says Vancouver, and his glasses keep falliing down his nose as he’s studying. It’s adorable and Donghyuck can’t stop watching.

 

Donghyuck stands at the register for a few minutes, bored out of his mind, before deciding to abandon it for something more interesting. AKA Mark.

 

Plus, they haven’t talked in about 45 minutes now, and Donghyuck is feeling a little Mark-deprived.

 

He grabs a random pastry (it’s not random. It’s an almond croissant, which happens to be Mark’s favorite) and heads over to Mark’s table, which is scattered with papers. As he sits down, he shuffles around some of Mark’s worksheets to make room for the croissant. This catches the older’s attention as he finally takes his head out of a textbook.

 

“What’s this?” Mark asks.

 

“Are you blind?” Donghyuck laughs. “It’s exactly what it looks like. Your dinner.”

 

Mark smiles as he reaches for the pastry. “Oh, how kind of you to buy me dinner!”

 

“Yeah… I definitely bought it…. anyway!” Donghyuck claps his hands together. "I need to ask you something.” Mark raises an eyebrow as he continues chewing his croissant. Donghyucks heart jumps at the sight. “Wanna go to a party with me?”

 

Immediately Mark pauses his chewing, mouth still full of food. He draws his eyebrows together in confusion, and Donghyuck quickly realizes where he messed up. “I mean! Not with me with me, but like, you and I can, like, go to the party… with one another...” He trails off with an awkward chuckle. 

 

Mark finally swallows, giving him the chance to reply. “Whose party is it?”

 

Donghyuck sighs, thankful Mark didn’t say anything about his awkward rambling. “The terrible trio is throwing it. So am I, technically, as they seem to have roped me into the party planning committee, but it’s at Jeno’s house and it’s going to be an absolute banger.” He lifts a finger. "His words, not mine.”

 

“Who’s all going?”

 

“Oh, you know, maybe everyone.”

 

Mark sits up. “Wait, is it next week?” Donghyuck nods.”Yeah! I’ve heard so many people talking about a holiday party, but I had no idea whose it was. I just assumed I wasn’t cool enough to get invited.”

 

“Well, consider yourself cool, because I just invited you.”

 

 

 

Donghyuck is not a party person. 

 

He knows this, yet he tosses back another shot (his fourth of the night) in a dark corner of Jeno’s kitchen. He’s drinking something called fireball which Jaemin insisted they needed for the party. It tastes like cinnamon and doesn’t give Donghyuck that horrible sour taste other alcohol gives, and he decides right there that he loves it.

 

He recalls being with Jeno and Renjun earlier before they left to mingle with all the other people who are crowding the house. Donghyuck wonders just how on edge Jeno might be from having so many reckless teenagers in his parents house.

 

He thinks he might be drunk, because Redbone by Childish Gambino is playing and he suddenly has the urge to make out with someone in a bathroom. 

 

Speaking of making out with someone, where is Mark?

 

The older promised he’d be there, he promised, so where is he?

 

“Hyuck-ah?” 

 

Oh, right. He went to the bathroom. And apparently he’s back. 

 

Donghyuck turns to face the older, and his throat closes at the sight. Mark is wearing a loose black button up shirt, leaving the top two buttons undone which makes the shirt fall even looser. 

 

“Mark, what took you so long?” He focuses on annunciating, attempting to sound more sober than he actually is. Mark’s hair is parted to the side, leaving most of his forehead exposed with just a small strand falling over his right eyebrow. How distracting.

 

It’s embarrassing how low Donghyuck’s alcohol tolerance is. He hasn’t had anything alcoholic since the beginning of the summer, which was literally half a year ago. He wanted to slowly ease into the night, but here he is, four shots in, and it hasn’t even been an hour. 

 

“What do you mean?” Mark asks, walking over to Donghyuck and pouring himself a shot. “I was probably gone for, like, three minutes.” Donghyuck doesn’t even want to think about how tight Mark’s black skinny jeans must be, if the outline of his thighs are anything to go by. He suddenly feels hot, and it’s not from the alcohol.

 

“Felt like three years.” Donghyuck mumbles to himself. 

 

“What?”

 

“I said do you know where Jaemin is?” 

 

Mark shoots him a confused look before answering. “Last I saw, he was on the balcony with Felix.” Then, he takes the shot. Donghyuck watches as Mark throws his head back, exposing his neck. He watches as Mark swallows the shot whole, adam’s apple bobbing, before bringing his head back down and licking his lips. He watches as Mark’s tongue makes sure he’s gotten every drop. “That was gross.” Mark says, referring to the alcohol. 

 

Donghyuck is still staring at his lips. How are they so pink? Is he wearing lipstick? Why didn’t he tell me? “Are you wearing lipstick?”

 

At the same time he asks the question, a pretty girl comes out of seemingly nowhere and throws herself around Mark. “There you are!” 

 

Mark takes a second to return the hug, but when he does, he wraps his arms around her waist and laughs into her ear. “I told you I’d be here!” 

 

When they break the hug, Donghyuck recognizes her to be Heejin. He had no idea they knew each other, and for some reason it’s making his stomach queasy. She’s wearing a red skirt, showing off her flawless legs, as well as a white crop top that fits her perfectly. She looks cute, and Donghyuck doesn’t know why he’s suddenly mad. 

 

It burns in his chest, and it could just be the fireball, but the feeling isn’t welcome and Donghyuck is pretty sure he knows where it came from. Who it came from. 

 

The weird thing about being drunk is that, in the moment, you always believe you’re thinking properly. You never feel the need to filter your words because you trust your mind, and your mind never tells you not to say it. 

 

Donghyuck doesn’t even blink when he says the words “Excuse me,” not sounding polite at all, “you interrupted our conversation.” 

 

Mark’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, not understanding where Donghyuck’s hostility came from. His hand is still on Heejin’s hip. Her eyes widen as apologies fall from her lips, feeling bad for apparently interrupting them. She quickly excuses herself, and with one last smile towards Mark, she’s gone. 

 

Donghyuck is stuck staring at the spot Heejin was just occupying. A triumphant feeling burns in his chest, happy that he was able to get rid of her so fast. 

 

“What was that?” Mark’s question brings Donghyuck back to the present, sounding unsually demanding. 

 

Donghyuck ignores the question all together.  It’s not important. “How do you know her?”

 

Mark looks at him as if he’s trying to figure something out. Donghyuck squirms a little, choosing to look around the room instead of in Mark’s eyes. “We’re in the same calculus class. She’s my friend.” He pauses, tilting his head, before continuing. “Donghyuck, what you did just now was really rude.” 

 

Donghyuck scoffs. “I was the rude one? She acted like I wasn’t even here!” 

 

“She just came over to say hi, Hyuck-ah. No need to get jealous.” Mark looks disappointed as he shakes his head, as if scolding a child. 

 

Donghyuck is shocked, to say the least. Him? Jealous? Over a pretty girl talking to Mark? Sure, maybe he was a little over the line, making the girl scatter and all, but why did Mark have to be so mean about it? 

 

“I gotta go find Renjun.” He then turns around quickly, not even waiting for Mark’s reaction and ignoring the way it makes his head spin. Or maybe that was Mark’s doing. Who knows. 

 

As he (not so gracefully) walks through Jeno’s house, he’s able to finally realize just how many people actually came. Theres a guy pushing his girlfriend against the wall, making out too passionately to be in public, theres a group of girls dancing with drinks in their hand and spilling them everywhere, poor Jeno, and it seems like everyone knows the lyrics to the trap song blasting from the speakers. The party is in full swing, and it seems like Jeno’s absolute banger has been successfully executed.  

 

He stumbles into someone’s chest while trying to fit between the crowd. The guy laughs as he stabilizes Donghyuck by placing his hands on his hips, and Donghyuck’s eyes widen as he looks up into the eyes of none other than Yoon Sanha. Wow,he’s cuter than I remember,

 

“Donghyuck, right?” Yikes, he’s not even sure of my name. 

 

“Yeah,” Donghyuck swallows as he holds their eye contact, “and you’re Sanha.” 

 

Sanha’s eyes light up as he chuckles at the response. He takes a step closer to Donghyuck, leaning in to speak directly into his ear over the loud beat of the music with a seductive tone. “Hey, why don’t we—“

 

Donghyuck doesn’t get to hear the rest because there’s now a hand firmly gripped around his wrist, pulling him out of the crowd. He stumbles over his feet as he tries to break the grasp, but the person doesn’t let go until they’re out of the room and in a secluded hallway. His chest is tightening and his vision is even blurrier than before, but he’s determined to stay strong. 

 

As soon as Donghyuck’s arm is free, he takes a step backwards and finally recognizes the soft black hair and big round eyes. “What the literal fuck, Mark?” 

 

“What?” Mark makes that adorable confused look that he always makes, but Donghyuck isn’t having it. 

 

“You can’t do that!” He yells, taking a step forward to get into Mark’s space. “You know this, Mark. We’ve been over this time and time again. I can’t handle it when people grab me out of nowhere! It’s not cool, Mark! What were you thinking? Did you forget? Did you want to scare me?” His voice breaks over the word scare, but he keeps going. “I get that I don’t have normal reactions, but it’s not my fault and I thought you of all people would be understanding and cautious and not grab me in the middle of a crowd—“

 

“Hyuck-ah, breathe, please.” Mark cuts him off.

 

Donghyuck takes a stuttered breath, realizing how worked up he just got over something so small. His eyes are burning with unshed tears and his hands are shaking. “Leave me alone.” He chokes out, before beelining to the nearest bathroom using nothing but muscle memory from being in Jeno’s house so often. 

 

Thankfully, the bathroom is empty, so he throws himself inside, locks the door, and sobs like a toddler. He admits it’s a little pathetic, but he’s drunk and upset, and crying is the only thing that’ll make him feel better, he thinks. 

 

The bathroom tile feels cold under his pants from where he threw himself down, but he can’t bring himself to care. The light is bright and unwelcomed, so he covers his eyes and wishes he could be anywhere but here.

 

Maybe he’s hit a new all-time low. Maybe he was never as okay as he pretends to be.

 

His crying eventually slows to just sniffling. Feeling utterly defeated, he just sits on Jeno’s bathroom floor, having an existential crisis. He gently toes at the corner of the fluffy grey rug that sits in the middle of the room, just in front of him, mesmerized by the way the fabric reacts to his shoe.

 

Rapid knocking on the door snaps him out of his thoughts, but he doesn’t get up. Whoever it is can go find another bathroom. Or piss themselves, for all he cares. 

 

But the knocking doesn’t stop, and it’s starting to give Donghyuck a headache, so he pulls himself up off the tiled floor and unlocks the door. 

 

“Jesus, you couldn’t wait five fucking min-“

 

“Move!” Donghyuck gets pushed out of the way as a shorter boy races to the toilet. He belatedly realizes it’s Renjun, and he seems to have just made it in time if the huge sigh of relief is anything to go by. 

 

Donghyuck closes and locks the door once again, and goes back to his sitting position. 

 

“You couldn’t have unlocked the door earlier? My god.” Renjun says, still facing the wall as he finishes. 

 

“You couldn’t have peed outside like every other guy at every other party?” Donghyuck shoots back.

 

Renjun flushes the toilet and makes his way to the sink. “I’m not a dog. I appreciate the warmth and comfort of a human bathroom.” 

 

Donghyuck hums but doesn’t reply, still feeling drained from crying. As Renjun dries off his hands, he turns to face Donghyuck and immediately gasps. “Oh my god! You look horrible!”

 

Donghyuck chuckles bitterly. “Thanks, man. You’re pretty ugly too.”

 

The joke goes ignored as Renjun slides down the wall and sits next to Donghyuck, knocking their knees together. “What happened? You look like you just cried your eyes out.” 

 

“I’m a drunk crier.”

 

“No, you’re not.”

 

Donghyuck sighs. “It’s nothing. Just my PTSD being annoying.”

 

Renjun tilts his head. “Your what?”

 

It takes Donghyuck a minute to process what he just said aloud, and he sighs again, this time heavier. “I said it’s nothing.” He sniffles and wipes his face with his hands, hoping to pull himself together so he can get out of this conversation. 

 

“You have an STD?” Renjun asks innocently, and it’s so ridiculous that Donghyuck can’t help but laugh. 

 

“Oh my god!” He giggles. "No! That’s not even what I said.” 

 

“Alright, whatever.” Renjun gets up, dusting his pants off as if the floor they were sitting on was actually dirty. “I’m gonna go get fucked up, wanna join?”

 

Maybe it was the laughing that changed his mood around, or maybe he wasn’t even that upset to begin with, but he lifts himself up off the ground and grabs Renjun’s shoulder to stabilize himself as the alcohol continues to impair him. “Lead the way!” 

 

 

 

“Mark is stupid.” Donghyuck declares. 

 

Jeno and Jaemin have joined Donghyuck and Renjun in their endeavor to get fucked up. They’re all sitting around a couple different bottles of alcohol, taking turns making drinks for one another. Donghyuck doesn’t remember how they got to the basement, but he’s thankful because the music isn’t that loud and there aren’t that many people. 

 

Jeno’s basement is warm and cozy, with soft lighting and big, comfy furniture which looks inviting. Donghyuck wonders why they’re sitting on the floor. 

 

Jeno finishes his mystery drink that Renjun made for him before he replies. “Mark who?”

 

Jaemin hits his shoulder. “Mark Lee!”

 

Jeno’s eyes go wide. “Oh yeah! Mark Lee! I forgot about him. Why isn’t he with us?”

 

“Because he’s stupid.” Donghyuck repeats. 

 

“Oh.” Jeno frowns, looking sad about that information. 

 

“The pretty ones are always stupid.” Renjun says. “That’s why we can’t trust Jeno to be smart.”

 

“Hey!” Jeno cries, then smiles as he bats his eyes. “You think I’m pretty?”

 

“Pretty stupid.”

 

“Okay, enough with that word. It doesn’t even sound like a word anymore.” Jaemin says, making a new drink. “Here.” He shoves the drink in Donghyuck’s hand once he’s done making it. “Drink this and then tell us why Mark is stupid.”

 

Donghyuck downs the drink in one go, tongue too numb to actually taste anything anymore. “Guys.” He says dramatically. “Guys. Boys. My Bros. I think I’m drunk.” 

 

“Mood.” Jeno says as he hands Renjun a drink. 

 

“So why is Mark stupid?” Renjun asks before taking a huge sip of the drink. “I’ve been dying to know since I ran into you in the bathroom.” 

 

“What happened in the bathroom?” Jaemin inquires.

 

“Shut up, it’s not important! Let Donghyuck talk!”

 

Donghyuck doesn’t even know how to explain it. “He’s just stupid, you know?”

 

Renjun groans. “No! I don’t know!”

 

“Babe, calm down.” Jeno says. “It was kind of profound how simple he made it sound. Mark is stupid because he’s stupid.” 

 

Renjun looks at him in disbelief. “No.” He snaps his attention back to Donghyuck. “Give me the motherfucking tea.” 

 

Donghyuck sighs and starts. “So, I think I maybe have this thing called PTSD, and it kind of always gets triggered by a bunch of things, and Mark knows this! He knows it! But, he’s stupid so he triggered me and it wasn’t a good time, so I got mad at him and cried in the bathroom.” He says it so simply, you wouldn’t believe he’s talking about something so serious. 

 

He feels his friends shouldn’t really be that surprised, given what he said in his initial confession to them a couple months back. But, he wouldn’t be shocked if they didn’t put two and two together. They don’t exactly have the best track record of being the smart friends.

 

When Donghyuck looks up, they’re all staring back with wide eyes and open mouths. 

 

“Mark is stupid.” Renjun eventually declares, getting sounds of agreement from everyone else. They all have looks of sympathy and Donghyuck appreciates it and hates it at the same time.

 

“I’ll drink to that.” Replies Donghyuck, and the group of four boys all raise their cups before draining them. 

 

 

 

It’s a little later into the night when Donghyuck sees Mark again. 

 

The four of them had eventually come out of the basement in search of snacks, and somehow ended up in the living room, dancing and singing along to Jeno’s dad’s stereo. The house is still full of teenagers, and Donghyuck can’t even name half of them anymore, but he feels safe as Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin dance around him and keep him in the middle. 

 

He’s singing along to Blackpink’s As If It’s Your Last when his eyes catch Mark’s. The older boy is leaning against the wall, sipping a drink, and apparently watching Donghyuck. Mark doesn’t look away and Donghyuck continues to stare right back. 

 

He suddenly doesn’t feel like dancing anymore. 

 

Pushing through his friends, Donghyuck leaves the crowd and marches right up to Mark, eyes locked together the whole time. Donghyuck doesn’t stop until they’re about two inches apart. Neither of them say anything. Mark doesn’t break eye contact as he takes another sip of his drink, and it irks Donghyuck how casual and cool Mark is acting. 

 

“Are you feeling better now?” Mark asks, and the music is so loud that Donghyuck has to watch his lips to see what he’s saying. 

 

Donghyuck scoffs. “No thanks to you.”

 

Mark gives a self deprecating smile and stares into the bottom of his cup, swirling it a little. “Yeah, sorry about that. Didn’t mean to scare you, but I also didn’t like seeing you with that guy.” 

 

Donghyuck scans Mark’s face for any hint that he’s lying, but doesn’t find one. “Didn’t you literally give me a lecture on jealousy two minutes before that happened?” His voice comes out harsh but he’s fighting a smile. It’s cute to see Mark being just as reckless as himself.

 

“I guess it’s easy said than done, huh.” Mark replies, and his voice still has a hint of sadness, as if beating himself up. He hasn’t looked back up at Donghyuck yet, and he quickly throws back the rest of his drink before crumpling up the cup in his hand. 

 

Maybe it’s the alcohol running through his veins, or maybe it’s the subtle pout on Mark’s face, but something makes Donghyuck take a step forward, placing his hand over Mark’s hand with the crumpled cup and lightly grabbing onto his wrist, making Mark finally look into Donghyuck’s eyes. 

 

Their faces are mere centimeters apart, breath mingling together as Donghyuck leans in a little closer. He can see the question in Mark’s eyes, but he just shakes his head a little and mutters, “You’re so stupid,” before closing the distance and bringing their lips together. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol @ that cliffhanger

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic! Constructive criticism is welcomed and wanted!


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